Something Spicy

I had just entered a Gary’s is Good restaurant racked with hunger and parched for drink. A sign behind the front counter informed me that today was chicken wing day. If I ordered six wings I’d get another six for free. Never one to pass up discounted food I ordered two plates of spicy wings and a pitcher of beer. My stomach had been demanding this all day and now with our mutual goal in site it started becoming restless performing cartwheels and bouncing against internal organs. Needless to say it hurt. Luckily the wings were served with blazing speed. I took a moment to pause and admire the orange sauce glistening off the succulent skin that covered its sweet, tender, juicy meat. A moment was all I could wait and I was soon throwing three wings in my mouth at a time using my teeth to disassemble what would stay in the body and what would leave.

It took about three seconds for the burning to start up but once it did I knew that every organism in my mouth had to be dead. It was almost as if I was sucking on a hot coal. Dropping the bones in my hands instantly I grabbed not my glass but the entire pitcher of beer trying to not to hack out any of my wingage as I lifted it up to my mouth. This proved to be difficult as I was forced to wait on the beer until I could stop coughing out smoke from the flames blistering my insides. As soon as the opportunity presented itself though the pitcher was practically in my mouth as I drained it desperately with tears running down my eyes. Slamming the empty container onto the table I released a belch that would put a bullhorn to shame.

It didn’t take long for the beer to stretch out my bladder and convince me to make an appearance in the men’s room. Paradise is the only word to describe urinating out an entire pitcher of fluid; which I did with a grin that wrapped around my head connecting itself in the back. Once again it took about three seconds for the spicy sauce to take affect. As the burning began a horrible realization dawned on me. I still had that devil sauce all over my fingers and now it was contaminating my dick! Screaming so the whole establishment could hear I released obscenities of every kind as I bounced from wall to wall like a pinball that’s pissing all over itself. It felt like acid was eating away at the head of my dick and if I didn’t stop it soon I’d just be left with a useless deformed knob to attempt to procreate with.

I jumped around the bathroom covering myself in urine for about twenty seconds before the ability to reason returned and I lurched over to the sink to wash off this demon juice. As I cleaned myself under the sink a man wearing a distinguished looking suit entered and upon witnessing my actions paused for a moment as we stared each other dead in the eye until he said, “Fuckin’ spicy isn’t it?” The End.