Brother Charles

Brother Charles

Who knows why we do what we do
why we hurt like we do
why we isolate like we do
and why we die like we do

Sister Ignatia wrote about it and believed that some recovered alcoholics were unable to accept the gift of forgiveness from Christ.
It was her experience that when someone who had gotten sober and stayed so for a good while and then took their own
life had one thing in common.
They could be forgiven by others, by God but not themselves and that by doing so they were actually telling God that Christs' dying on the cross did not adequately complete the job. The arrogance of me for I am guilty of this also.

It appears to be a thing that will drive one mad and to the point of taking ones own life. A most selfish and self centered act but I understand it for I have been there myself.

At 18 or 20 years sober and I felt the coldness of 9MM steel in my mouth and tasted the sweet taste of gun oil on my tongue as I considered the unthinkable, the unimaginable, the taking of my own life. Bullet in the breech, trigger cocked, hand trembling, steel clattering on the enamel of my teeth, chest heaving, heart pounding for maybe the last time, crying out to God, wondering why and how I had gotten to this jumping off point.
Gun at my side, vaguely disappointed that I didn't have the balls to do it.

I believe that this is the cause of the deep down hurt and angst that I feel when this happens to a brother or sister of ours because I have been there a time or two as have many of you.
We identify so strongly and we hurt so deeply when this happens because we know the darkness of this act, this thought, this state of mind.


We also know the answer, we know the solution
we are part and parcel to the Knowledge of the Way
We have carried this message to the others as we are ordained and trusted to do and yet in spite of all of our best efforts this happens.

It's simple, God sometimes has different plans than we do and we must trust in that. It's another leap of faith for us all.



Yesterday a little relief came in the form of tears
and in the comfort of someone else's arms (sorry Frank)
A welling up of sadness, tears and finally a feeling of release as a member of Chucks' family allowed the the white dove to be free from her trembling hands and rise up in the bright afternoon sky

Symbolically as the lone dove made it's ever widening circles
soon to be joined by five others
my pain grew less, my suffering eased a bit
I could feel the same in Jocelyn
as we held each other in our arms
trembling and sobbing
Both more aware that each of our own times
is drawing nearer as the days go by

I hope the day is as pretty for my friends
as they gather to remember me,
that the sun feels as warm on their faces
and that a cool breeze blows over them
but most of all I hope that they are able to find
comfort in each others arms
as I found in my friend Joycelyn's that day



Sleep well my friend and go with God
your struggle is over and you are at peace
I know that we will meet again