Dear Wonderbread

The ill-fated Wonderbagel and my kind response.

Dear Wonderbread,

I have just learned that you have launched a new product, The WonderBagel ™. It is square and has no hole. Wonderbread, you are not Jewish. You live in the suburbs in a cookiecutter ranch with a luxurious lawn, two blond children (one girl, one boy), and a socially repressed wife.

Give it up. That era is over. You cannot change with the times. Especially not if you pretend to be a bagel. Please, I am writing as a friend. Just let it go.

Or at least try to be a little more round next time you impersonate a bagel.

                                                                          Condolences,
                                                                                                A.H.