MY MIND IS STUCK IN CONCRETE

My mind is stuck in concrete

By Joyceanna


Have you ever had your part of your brain, let’s call it the “A side”, the stronger side, scream at you? Telling you that you’re too fat, ugly and stupid, and will never amount to anything? The A side will start telling you if you eat, then you will never fit in with your side of the family. It constantly reminds you that if you give in and eat, then you’re a loser. A big fat slob. A disgrace to everyone. Then it will tell you to keep starving yourself, even though you have for weeks. It pushes you to do more crunches, walk more miles. Go to your car when it’s the hottest part of the day, and sit in it, with no air conditioner, no windows opened. And stay there until you’re dripping in sweat. The more sweat you produce, the more calories you burn off. The A side will remind you of what you see in the mirror. A big fat 300 pound woman. Don’t see any bones. We need to see bones, all of them. But, when you do look into the mirror, the tears start to form. And you feel hopeless, ashamed. The guilt becomes to much for you. That is when the depression kicks in harder. And while you’re down, the A side kicks you down even further. It won’t allow you to listen to positive compliments. The A side has to much control over you.


Okay, while this is all going on from the A side. The B side of your brain joins in. This side is more sensitive. It will make you feel guilty because you’re hurting the people you love and care about. And it will tell you to trust and believe people that you’re not fat, you’re pretty and smart. You want to so desperately to believe them, but the A side is too strong. And you get confused. Then you discover your mind is stuck in concrete.

Both the A and B of your brain are constantly at war. Your body is screaming for food. It starts to get weak, the headaches come more often, losing your hair, dizzy spells. Sooner or later, you give in and eat. Your body thanks you, but the A side is angry and disappointed in you. It will scream at you. Making you feel like a failure. Reminds you that you ruined weeks and weeks of hard work. It will tell you that you’re on your way to obesity. Now, you will never be able to see your bones, or to fit in for your mother. You blew it. You hang your head down.

Now! Is everyone confused? Think I’m crazy? Welcome to my world. This is what it’s like for me every single day. I’ve been battling this war that goes on inside my head day after day. The days becomes years. It’s been 25 for me. I’m very frustrated at times. I have tried of getting help for this. In the past, counseling now. I am currently back in counseling. But, I’m also at the point of wanting to just disappear.

The reason I wrote this essay, is for people to get a better understanding of what people like me are up against. I get tired of people telling me to eat, stop throwing up, don’t eat those sweets and fattening foods. A lot of people think we’re crazy, gross, and lazy. In our minds, it’s a release, pleasure, comfort, control. I get angry at people that I know, that are smokers, drinkers, dippers, or just naturally thin, telling me to stop these dangerous acts. When they are no different. They’re hurting themselves too. That’s there way to relieve stress, feel in control, comfort and satisfaction.

What people don’t seem to understand is, we don’t think about hunger, being gross by throwing up our food, or using laxitives, or gaining more weight, because of junk food. We think about control, weight loss, and satisfaction. When I do these things, I feel like I have accomplished something, like a goal. I know a lot of you are confused and probably still don’t understand us. But, that’s good that you don’t. Because if you did understood and can relate to this, then that means you’ve already been through it, or are going through it. And I do hope you don’t go through this. I hope you get help right away, don’t wait too long like I did. Please, I beg you not to listen or try to be someone you’re not. Don’t lose weight for a guy, to be like the models, or stars. Don’t lose weight if you don’t really need too. Don’t let the people that supposed to love you convince you to be someone else. Be careful of going on diets, it can lead to this. Don’t go too far and too serious with it. It will lead you into disaster. If you do, you will experience depression, that falls into place with eating disorders. Then sooner or later, more later, you will find your feet, your heart, and your mind stuck in concrete, and you can’t get out!


THE END!