WHAT DOES LOVE MEAN

WHAT DOES LOVE MEAN

I’m the bastard child of an adulterous affair. Which makes what I feel even more confusing. Why in a world where love appears to come so quickly and seemingly ends so easy. Why living in a climate where it is normal, acceptable, at times even favorable to separate physical intimacy from emotional intimacy do I find it so hard to yield to the thought that love should mean more then what I see around me. Often people speak of a backlash from what we experience. We choose to strive for the opposite of what we live because it failed us in some way. But the truth about my conception was never really clear to me until I much older and my thoughts about love appear well founded before that time.

If anything my early experiences in life may have impacted my zealous avocation of female independence and strong criticism of minimum male responsibility regarding their offspring. With the exception of my grandmother the women in my immediate family have not married. My Mother and my Aunts have participated in relationships, engaged in physical intimacy, and conceived children outside of marriage.

I would say the concept of Christianity was introduced when I was fairly young but even then it was clear that some conflicts with the faith would be prolonged and still remain to this day. I recall around twelve understanding the issues surrounding homosexuality. At a time in school where I was learning about our own countries history and that people like myself - people of color, female, and poor were seen as inferior because of attributes beyond character and integrity. At that same time I actually recall hearing from God about this issue. I could not understand how someone could look at someone for what they were instead who they were and used that as a means to judge them. I swore that if I was anyone different I would never do the same thing but here I was - a minority, a female, and poor. I couldn’t prove it. Sometime later I must have been speaking to my Mother and after watching something on T.V. regarding homosexuality I asked her. Would you be all right if I was gay? She clearly indicated no. And in that moment God spoke to me - Prove it. The point is not to critique the moral principles of Christianity but to suggest that faith alone cannot dictate my understanding of love. Especially since some Christians are not the greatest examples of what I think love is.

So here is my question. What does love mean. Our introduction of values and the environment we are raised can not be enough to explain the divergence in opinions and attitudes regarding Love. The way I feel about Love doesn’t seem to be a choice so why are we so different about something that is alleged to motivate humanity through out history, through out cultures. I would have to say that there is about approximately 6.2 billion views of what love means. Why - Because that’s how many people live on this planet. And is anyone persons view better, healthier, more viable then the other. I don’t know. I know for my own conviction I would not care to give any merit or even address the question to those who participate in a version of love where all parties can not consent because of reasons such as mental capacity, age, lack of disclosure, etc.


I think the average person would perceive themselves as extremely tolerate of those who share different views regarding love, relationships, and physical intimacy. But I think if we were challenged with a view point about love overtly different from what we had ever experienced or seen we would look for an explanation beyond personal choice or personal comfort. In a moment when conversing with someone we had just met or a friend about love if someone presented something different from what seemed “natural” our respond would clearly suggest how they loved may not be “normal”. What would be your response to someone who said I have an open marriage and both me and my wife are allowed to sleep with other people? What would be your feelings about someone who said they had broken off their engagement seven years ago and they have not yet fully recovered to a point where they could be comfortable in a new relationship. So who decides what’s “normal”, “healthier”, or “accepted” when it comes to how we love. If you have been with someone for three years should it take you ten weeks, ten months, or ten years to love again. What would your answer be? And why?

Despite what I thought was a conservative nature (At least relative) I found myself looking to explain what appeared to be extreme conservatism. Looking for an explanation beyond personal choice. I was watching a program about couples in Iraq on Valentines Day. The program depicted couples who choose to marry or wait in the midst of the Iraq conflict. At the end of the program the reporter introduces an Iraq women who appears no older then 30. This woman had lost her husband because of the war and was left with two boys around 8 and 9 years old to rise alone. So the reporter introduces the women by saying “Like most women in IRAQ she CHOOSES not to remarry after her husband has passed away”. In the two seconds before they asked her a question what came in my head was -it’s probably her faith or the way her family would treat her. I couldn’t help but think that for a person at that age to make an absolution like that it had to explain through religious attitudes or culture. So the question was asked - Why do you think you will never remarry. She takes a second to answer and appears to reflect and then she says “When ever I look into my sons eyes I will always see their Father”. What dawn on me in that moment was that she didn’t see her feelings about her husband to be based on religion or culture. To her that’s what love meant. You could love one person forever, even after death.

I think when discussing the question of love it is important to distinguish between what people think it means, want it to mean, or are able to do. I can say that love means you should live with one person forever. Perhaps I can think that love means you should give your life for someone but does that mean I would do it. Does it mean I would make that sacrifice or commit to that type of love? On the other side I can be convicted that I could only love someone within certain boundaries. I could be certain that I would never continue to pursue love with someone who beats or cheats on you. But when the moment comes I choose to endure it. And if I choose to end a relationship with someone exhibiting this behavior would that mean my love was weaker. If unconditional love is the most we can give to someone aren’t these conditions to our love. Even if it means sacrificing our well being or self worth.


Linguists study the formation of languages through out cultures and through out history - including uses of words. And it can be the words we use that can be the most revealing. For instance aboriginies of Austria have no words for numbers. And certain Native Americans in Alaska have multiple words to describe snow; they specify between thick, light, wet, and hard snow. In America we have come to use one word to describe an intense feeling, attachment or bond to another person - Love. But is it all the same? And what does it mean?

The Greeks had many words for the same concept - Love. There was a distinction made between romantic love, love between friends, love for your family, love for your community. And the Christian bible when discussing love does not emphasize are feelings and emotions but are choices and actions. It would almost seem that according to God love is an action word - not a feeling. Yet how many times (At least from an American perspective) have people claimed love despite their actions. For example I love you but I can handle this anymore. Or I know I messed with that person but it didn’t mean anything because I love you. Are these actions in contradiction to the word? Like the song says - Love should have brought you home last night. But then until one could agree to what actions equate to love this is all mute.

The predicament of defining love remains constant. How personal are concept of Love has become. I for one often return back to a simple understanding of what it means. Many times I have heard those who discuss Love make reference to its complexity. I don’t think that Love is as much complex as it is hard. Complex means that it’s something to understand or figure out. As if intelligence or experience make it’s easier. If anything the more you experience Love sometimes the harder it is to do. Maybe Love can’t be understood as much as the end of the Universe or God can be. Maybe Love is something you just do and never completely understand.