Becoming A Mother for the Fist Time

When I found out I was going to be a mother for the first time I had feelings wash over me that I never new you could feel all at once. Some feelings I suddenly felt I didn't even new existed until that very moment. Sitting there thinking about having a life inside me to care for and love, yet at the same time thinking I am to young, not ready, under educated, and just plane scared to death. Wondering if I was making the right choice in keeping my child or if she and I would be better off not ever knowing each other? Nine months of mental wars back and forth about my choices and how I was going to manage school, work, and a baby on my own.




Then the day came to bring my little girl into the world! I still did not know if I had made the right choices for me or her, but at that very moment when I went into labor with my daughter all that seemed unimportant anymore. The only thing that matter was seeing my daughter and holding her for the very first time! I first saw her face while I was delivering her and I remember her little lip quivering right before she cried her first cry. At that very moment I felt a peace with her and I wash over me and all I wanted was to take my daughter and hold her forever. When they took and placed my daughter in my arms I could not speak nor could I do anything, but look into that little face and be amazed at the miracle laying in my arms.

Then the feelings started washing over me all at once fast and fleetingly. Fist came love which never went away and I know never will! After came fear which, (that I yet again had not made the perfect choice for my daughter, I was not good enough for her) was quickly replaced by determination. Determination that I would make the best life for her that I could, (even though I would always second guess my choices and what was best) that it was me and her forever. Then came joy! Joy that my little girl had all ten toes and fingers and was doing great.

Then came overwhelming feelings that even now I can't find the one term to categorize them in. Feelings of pure wonderment, pride, and motherly love is the only way I can ever explain. Looking into those little brown eyes knowing we would be just fine that life had just begun, for not just her, but also for myself. I was a mother and her life depended on mine. Most would think this would scare a young women alone and on her own, but for some reason, unclear to me, I was unafraid. I new deep in my heart this child was a fresh start in life and that I was strong enough, determined enough, and had what it took to make a life for my daughter and finish my diploma. I new at that moment that there was no right or wrong choice that there was only my choice and no one could make it for me or change my mind. WE WOULD BE FINE!


Now eight years, (almost nine) later I know that becoming a mother for the first time can be the hardest thing in the world. Now at twenty-eight years old I am having my third daughter and it is clear to me that not all the feelings of becoming a mother for the first time go away after the first time! On my third I still have feelings that I had then like fear, hope, and yes the second guessing my choices. I just keep telling myself it was fine the first two times nothing is gonna be different this time!

I hope that people read this and can either get help as a first time mom or agree with most of what I felt and feel now! I used this writing in a little different form to get an A+ in high school for my final essay to get my high school diploma!



Jaded


Wow, I read this and to this day I still can remember all those feelings just like it was yesterday. My oldest will be 12 on the fifteenth of Jan. 2011. My second daughter is now 9, third is 3 and my son is 9 months. Each and every pregnancy and birth was unique, but all those feelings were there with each one. Each child was different in wonderful ways, and yet the overwhelming love just as strong for each and every one.

To this day I find it amazing a mother can have that much love for such a tiny, beautiful, and perfect person, Not just once but each and every time she has a child!