How to Help Your Wife Through Pregnancy

1. Don't take her hormone surges and subsequent rages personally. Smile and nod while you pretend to listen to her rants. You're going to have to get used to this sort of behavior after the baby comes, too, and not just from your new progeny. You may even find yourself joining in the wailing game as time goes by.

2. Hormone shifts are going to happen for the rest of her life. Get used to it.

3. Get used to the cravings, especially at 1AM. Oh, and you might want to get something for her while you're in the kitchen, too.

4. Not only get used to the morning sickness but be there to hold her hair back as she retches for the umpteenth time in a day. Or stay as far away as possible, depending on what she tells you to do. She's not at her best right now and might not want any witnesses.

5. Pretend to agree with whatever odd thought she comes up with. This is not your usually rational lady. This is a woman who has been invaded from the inside and her entire biochemistry is under siege, including her brain.

6. Be her forklift and do so with a smile when the nesting stage hits her and she needs to rearrange furniture. You could probably use the workout anyway with all the sex you're no longer getting as she insists that the couch just HAS to go next to the window. No, wait, it should stay against the wall where it is. No, wait, put it by the window at a different angle. No, wait...

7. Learn to live with the fact that she needs chocolate more than ever and she needs it NOW!

8. Compliment her often. Just don't expect to receive a lot of gratitude for it. She's bloating geometrically and feels like a beached whale. Her back hurts and her feet are swollen. All this severe discomfort is not conducive to her having a positive reaction to much of anything you have to say. But make the effort anyway because she might remember it later if she's ever in a decent mood again.

9. Even if it's the truth, don't tell her that she's glowing. She's heard this line far too many times already and if she hears it one more time she's going to break something over someone's head. The noggin you save will be your own.

10. Help with the chores. Carrying all that extra baby weight is exhausting and she could use another set of hands pitching in. Besides, you got her into this mess and you darned well better help her deal with the aftermath as she waddles around the house trying to get things done.

11. Massage her feet and back. Doesn't mean you'll get lucky, but you might spend less time on the couch.

12. Get over the notion that somehow she'll get her figure back and life will get back to normal after the baby comes. Boy, are you in for not just one surprise but many, many, many more to come!