cancer hit me in the gut today

I recieved a call today. She was out of surgery. She was doing fine. They took the lump out . Then there was a slight hesitation on the line....THEY FOUND CANCER in two of the three lymph nodes in  her armpit!  A Blast hit me!  I felt it whoosh at me over 2000 miles of  phone cord.  I had  known that she had the lump but I didn't know of the positive node.  "What am I going to do?" I asked selflishly.  Then I laughed at myself," Me? "  "I am worried  about me? " What is she going to do? She is the one who has cancer. She is the one  who is alone there without me to hold  her hand or give her a glass of water. She will be alone when she has the radiation that will cause her hair to string towether and clump on her ,and leave bald patches till it is all gone. She is the one  who will have little areas of  radiation burn on her breast  or stomach. She will be  nauseated and in  pain. She will be the one who will sit and recieve the poison into the vien that may kill her or may save her life. She will be the one who will lie in bed and wonder  if she can manage one more treatment ,one more day of people doing things to her. She will be the one who will listen to the doctors explain things in their jargon what they think and what they want to do and what they think they know. She will be  the one with more questions then and fewer answers. She will be there, I won't. I will be  warm and safe with my husband and my body intact., sleeping comfortably each night.  She will suffer. But I will suffer too.  Mostly its the fear... why her and whynot me or when will it be my turn?