Reality Testing - The Come Down

She opened the door for me as she stroked my back with her free hand.

The room was so clean... there was a warm orange glow to the room. Light from outside was rushing in and played on the white curtains pulled back by the head of the bed.

And there she was. She was laying there, tucked neatly into her hospital bed. A needle was permanently attached to her wrist, pumping fluids and nutrients right into her blood stream.

She looked so peaceful. The light was playing across her face, too. The sunlight made her look so beautiful.

I could tell that the nurse had just washed her hair recently - it looked like brilliant red silk draped over the pillow. Everything in the room was washed with that brilliant sunlight. The room was perfectly clean and welcoming.

I took all of this in as the nurse patiently waited for me to walk into the room.

I slowly took the first step... and was conscious of the nurse's thoughts as I felt her hand slowly pull away from my back. I could feel her finger tips follow me at first... but eventually she decided to let me walk to Seres alone.

"I'll be back in a few minutes to check up on you ok?"

I turned back and saw the worry in the older woman's face. I saw in her eyes that she wanted to make me feel better. She seemed so nice...

"Ok..." I said, with a pause. I thought about how nice she was being while I said, "Thanks."

From her smile, I could tell that she knew exactly what I was thanking her for.

As I turned away from the nurse, I noticed how pretty she looked with that sunlight playing across her face too.

She slowly clicked the door shut as I turned away, and looked at Seres' closed eyes.

I stood there for a second, taking in the realization that she was right in front of me. My stomach felt sick for a second, and I began to feel my heart pumping.

Each beat felt like sick love dripping down my throat.

I closed my eyes and I could feel tears welling up inside my eyes. I grimaced and held them back.

"I don't wanna make you sad momo," I said as I stood there, clenching my fists. "But I miss you so much!"

I opened my eyes and my cheeks were wet. I'd squeezed the tears out without even noticing it.

I quickly walked over and hugged her as I started to cry.

This was the first time I'd seen her since the night they took her away from me. One moment everything had been perfect, I was looking into her eyes and I felt like someone finally understood me, and cared about me.

I could feel the warmth from her cheek as I snuggled up next to her. I could hear my own crying through the sheets. It was that muffled pathetic sound of a kid crying. My face was buried and that muffled sound started to make me laugh.

I started laughing at myself for being so pathetic.

"I miss you so much momo."

I looked at her calm face. Her eyes were ever so slightly closed. Almost as if she might wake up any minute. She ignored everything I said to her beautiful sleeping face.

I hugged her again and held my face up next to hers. I thought about what else I wanted to say to her. So many things.

But every time I spoke... it was like the pain only grew! Every time I spoke to those sleeping eyes... they only became more lifeless.

I got up from the bed and wept as I wiped some of the tears from my eyes with my shirt.

I walked to the window and looked out at the sunlight washing over everything. It was a blue day, with whisps of white cloud in the sky. They stretched over the hospital, miles above me. It looked like god had spilled some milk and decided to just leave it there.

I saw the wet leaves scattered all over the wet grass outside. The trees were starting to look ugly and brown again.

I hate when the trees loose their leaves. It's so depressing.

I turned around and looked at her again. The light made her crimson hair bright and beautiful.

It was killing me to look at her.

Her eyes.

I have to see her eyes.

I rushed over to the bed and sat on her stomach. I held myself up so I didn't put any pressure on her. I lay my head on her chest and listened to her heart beat.

"Momo I wanna see you. I want you to look at me. Is that ok? Will you get mad?"

I listened to the silence for a second, and then for the first time since I'd entered the room I realized how loud it was outside. Doctors walking past the little square window in the door. I could hear people talking and wheelchairs rolling past.

I looked up at momo's cute face. I felt her cheek with my hand. Then I moved along her jaw and up into her hair. For the first time, I felt the bandages on her skull.

I felt the soft strings going through the fabric. There was no more blood, but I could tell it was bad. The bandages covered almost her entire head above the eyebrows. Her flowing red hair emerged from under the white bandaging. But all I could focus on were those closed eyes.

"I have to see your eyes," I whispered.

I sat up and put my thumbs on her eyelids.

I slowly began pulling up on them.

First I heard the wet sound of her eyelids resisting. Then, they were open.

I didn't see momo in there. I finally got to see those eyes again though. Those green and yellow eyes, glittering in the sunlight.

But the longer I left those eyes open, the more I hated it. She wasn't moving. She wasn't seeing. The eyeballs lay there, dead.

"This isn't you. You're not even in your body momo!"

I quickly reached up and felt her eyelids again. I pulled them shut and lay on top of her again, my legs pulled up so I half sitting, half hugging her.

"I miss you so much. We'll build that treehouse when you wake up ok? Just get better. I wanna talk to you."

I felt her warmth.

The sunlight felt so good, and my sadness made me feel like I wasn't alone. I felt so much pity for myself.

I felt like I might fall asleep like that, but then I heard a sound.

The sheets started ruffling... and then my heart skipped a beat as I felt warm hands on the back of my arms. My heart was pounding, and I looked up. The eyes, the dead eyes... they were open.

I felt her arms tighten their grip as I tried to sit up. I put my hands on the bed and pushed myself higher.

I looked into her eyes, and knew that she was awake.