Memoirs of a Memory 1

MEMOIRS OF A MEMORY by Andy Jackson
PART 1

CHAPTER 1

EVERY SCAR HEALS EVENTUALLY

"YOU CAN'T STOP ME BITCH, I'M OLD ENOUGH TO LOOK OUT FOR MYSELF."
"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU SPOILT CHILD."
...
"LUCY! LUCY ! LUCY !"

The flight seemed to be lasting three life times. The second lifetime had ended about three years ago and Jennifer was about midlife on the third cycle. That's what drugs can do to you man, really blow that perception of time clean off the turntable and send it hurtling to the ceiling and smashing into millions of tiny audio samples to be collected and remixed by the angel DJ's, if you believe in angels of course.
Jennifer was starting to believe, after such a time spent  in the air, that angels may indeed be real. This belief may have been heightened by the sudden appearance of three of them in the seats in front.
"Excuse me, airhostess, can I get some water here please, please."
The hostess swanked over and knelt down to Jennifer's level. Her makeup soaked skin reflected the light of the morning sun into Jen's fragile pupils, blinding her and twisting the trip into plastic paradise.
A whore at the sky-high gang bang, dispenser of foil packaged, shrink wrapped, dehydrated protein parcels. Smiles and teeth from another dimension, magazine sheen flapping penguin arms hidden by deep water blue fabric pretend clothing. The model of the clouds, always ready to give you want you want, because you are the passenger and you have rights.  Plus, she gets paid cash to be there for you and your every need.
"Sorry girlfriend, we have run out of water now, you have drunk it all."
"Okay, I'll just take another glass of urine then." Jen  was desperate.
"Good choice sister."
...
"Did you see the dragons outside this morning?"
"No, I have been screwing the pilot."
"Good choice sister".
...
"Can you see the truth?"
"No, but I can smell it."
...
William T Hodgeson-Bodge esq. will be along very soon, to debunk all the conspiracy theories under the moon, about the moon, and all around the razor sides. This will all be ending soon, I promised myself this time around. Please take a seat, I will be with you shortly.
...
"Too often. It always seems to happen to me. Always when the grass starts talking, telling the tall tales of downtrodden terribleness.  The world keeps seeping pain from every pour."
...
Mother...mother...mother.
Reality of some sort returns of some sort.
"Nurse, where are the pills?"
"Just wait a minute mother, I've come to see you. I know you have been lonely the last few weeks, but I've been busy with Steven, he's getting the chicken pox. I'm just so glad that Lauren and Holly have already had them, my god, the house would be just like this hospital you live in."
"I want the nurse."
"Well, she's busy okay, and I don't think she wants to see you much right now, not since the sweets you have been giving her. Now why did you do that?"
"I said, I want the nurse."
"Listen mum, stop acting like a child, you are worse then my three I swear. Has Samuel been up lately? does he know what you've been doing? The nurse tells me it's not even the first time."
"Well, they should learn from their mistakes."
"No, you shouldn't be doing it. What are you trying to teach them? That we return to being like children when we grow up? What would Daddy be saying to you right now?"
"Nothing, He's dead."
"You are so heartless, where is the Mummy who was there for me when I needed her?"
"You ask too many questions darling, just like you did as a little girl."
"Mother, you can't keep wrapping faeces in sweet wrappers and giving it to the nurses. It's not hygienic."
"Why did you become a doctor?"
"I'm not a doctor. It's just not right to do that's all."
"Not much of an answer dearest. Now go back to your children, they will keep growing up, with you watching or without."
"Listen mum, they will move you to a different home if you keep doing this."
"NURSE!"
"I told you she'll be here in a minute."
...
My wings feel light but powerful. The wind keeps me in flight, swooping on it's intricate turns and flows, natural motion in natural action. Being a bird makes me function with a completely different set of decisions, no longer pick it up and eat it, now we have to hunt, play our part in the cycle of life and all that sausage.
But the clouds just float by, existing as water in the sky, a beautiful expression of creation.
oh being a cloud could be a fine way to spend ones time. No more drugs for me.
...
"MUM!"
...
Could that sunlight strike the sky any more entangled and complete? I want this moment to last forever. To return when ever the world seems to much for me. Everyone is here when I want them to be, and they go away when I no longer want them there. Back to being that bird.
...
"MUM"
...
Come on, you can do it. Push yourself harder. The course is not that hard.
...
"MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUM"
"Can you please stop that."
"I need you mum. I don't know what to do."
"Okay, sit down and tell me what's wrong."
He sits down, legs dangling from the chair, swinging back against the wooden legs.
"Well."
"I don't know how to talk about it mum."
"If it helps, I already know. Now I have thought about it and I am not judging you. You have to make your own choices in life and I am not about to step on your right."
"I think I need help."
"If that's what you want, then I'll give you all the help I can. I've seen the scars."
"But....but....how?"
"The blood on your shirts, the collection of razors in your bedroom."
...
"The scars don't ever completely heal son."
...
The best sex you ever had, was there ever such a thing? Can we ever live that moment again? Could that moment still be in the future, or could there be no such single moment, such an uncatagarizable thing. So many moments to choose from, no single best, some better then others for sure for sure for sure, but most of them being enjoyable. My husband was probably the best though, he was sensitive.
Love comes and love goes, but happiness does what you want it to. Anger stays around if you want it to. I mean, how long did I hate Elizabeth for what she did to me? I had to put up with her bullying me and stealing my money, threatening me that she's going to kill me and send me away to live with dogs. Not even nice dogs, but the horriblist ones that smell funny and have too much sticky water in their mouths. I don't want to live with the dogs. I had nightmares about that for years, until we moved away from that neighbourhood and I got to not be bullied anymore by that bitch of a next door fucking neighbour...ha hah, seems like sometimes that anger can still get you, take you right back to the moment when you first wanted to poke out their eyes. But it's best to be rid of the anger, I had much worse things happen to me then Elizabeth Friedman, she was just a diversion.
...
"LUCY"
...
"I did it once or twice"
"Really?"
"Yeah, I used to cut the hard skin off the back of my feet to make them fit in smaller shoes. It used to be very painful and I had to cover them up to stop the bleeding. I know what you are going through."
"I don't do it to fit in shoes mum."
"I didn't either really. It was an expression of the pain I felt inside. It wasn't a cry for help, it was a release of emotional pain. Punishing myself for not feeling more then I should. Not caring enough."
"Do you think I should see a doctor?"
"If that's what you want."
"Thanks mum."
"What are mum's for hey?"
...
His hair was longer the last time I saw him, he must have had it cut since then I guess.
"Have you had your haircut?"
"About two months ago I did. Why do you ask?"
"Because you look different from the last time I saw you."
"Mum, you saw me yesterday."
...
And then she got sacked for spreading rumours. Big brother at work for you there. But the truth be told she was a bit of a pain in the arse. Always talking she was, talking, talking, talking. I recon that would class as being her hobby. She had one topic that she could have talked about all day if asked to. In fact the topic would only change when someone else forced it to something else. But eventually it would all spring straight back to her one and only subject of interest....drum roll....brrrrrrr brrrrrrrrrrr brrrrrrrr brrrrrrrrrrr.. HERSELF!
She could go on in minuet detail, well mapped out, thought, rethought, dropped sections, rearranged reality and then spurted out a whole load of impossible to understand garbage junk flannel. It was a shame to see her go, she was an entertaining old soul, just needed to do a bit of listening to other people that's all...later in life maybe.
...
William T Hodgeson-Bodge esq. will be along very soon, to expose a deep secret you keep hidden away.
...
Cosmic immortality awaits us with the turns of evolution.
...
"Books, books, books, books, books. We sell books sir, any kind you want. If we don't have it in stock we can order it for you, it should only take a few days to arrive and then you can be sitting at home in your favourite chair, cup of tea on your coffee table. Reading expands the mind, you have chosen well to pick the printed word over the televisual splurge delivered by the flashing box."
"Mum, you haven't worked in a book shop for fourty years. I wasn't even born when you were working there."
Fragments once again.
"I need you to do something for me son."
"Anything mum."
"Please don't grow too old, it does funny things to your brain."
...
Playing in the street till midnight, cars parked up either side, scratched and dented by the rabble of hooligans. We aren't hooligans though, we just want to enjoy ourselves as all on this Saturday evening, we have no school tomorrow, and the church has been closed for a few years so we aren't thinking about religion right now. We are the kids and we do what we want, care not about money and house or children and sex. We are the superheroes who own time and space, control all we encounter, fight crime and evil at every turn in our imagination kingdom.
Quick CATMAN, we have to stop evil Dog boy from killing Hamster girl. We have to find a way through Dog boys mine field, which will prove to be a might task since the explosive devises are invisible and we can only walk on the cracks because all the concrete slabs are secretly lava white hot death and you know we won't be allowed out to play tomorrow if we liquidize our shoes again.
...
The lose of innocence, on that trip into the forest.
Trees loom overhead, covering us from the rain that doesn't come. Mid summer night, sky still bathing in sunlight, blocking out the fullest of moons. But the power of the dark light ball can still be felt across the lands, pulling and twisting and distorting our thoughts.
I am 14, streetwise and kickass, fashion junkie and chocolate fiend.
Defiant and headstrong beyond my grasp, at least as far as I'm concerned. Sexuality rearing it's ugly head across my puberty ridden skin, soft and spot ridden, train tracks on my teeth tearing my inner cheeks, spitting blood every now and then. I will always be this age, nothing will make me grow old, being old is for squares who don't understand cool.
Me and my girlfriends, Harriet and Lucy, are running through nature, giggling and screaming as the two boys we just met chase us. If they catch us they might have their wicked ways with our fragile bodies, no more kiss chase playground nonsense, we are the adults of the world.
I've broken a heal on my shoes, mum is going to kill me, she bought them reluctantly and told me not to damage them, but right now I don't give a shit, I'm being chased by lust and I love it. How very ignorant of me, the all knowing being that I was back then.
The boy called Jack grabs Harriet. She is scream laughing as he pins her to the ground and starts sticking his tongue out at her.
"Ner ner ne ner ner, I caught you Harriet and now you have to be my prisoner."
"No, that's not fair."
"Yeah it is, it's the rules of the game. I caught you now you have to do whatever I tell you to."
"Teh heheh ehehe hehehe hehe hehehehe heh"
They can't see me, I've stopped making noise now and am instead hiding behind a trunk, watching the scuffle my friends are tangled in.
"GOT YOU"
"AIIIIEEEEE"
Grabbed from behind and pushed to the floor, breaking the other shoe.
"Hey no fair. You scared me Simon."
"Well you stopped running."
"So, there was no need to shit me up like that."
"I'm sorry."
"Are you going to make me your prisoner?"
"No, I don't want any prisoners."
"Are you not going to make me do whatever you say?"
"Na, I don't need to."
"Are you going to kiss me?"
"Err."
"Go on, you've caught me, I surrender."
"Okay then."
My first embrace with another human being, so pure. Lips contact and tongues thrashing about unknowingly. A moment to treasure forever, to be remembered when things seem darker and harder to handle.
...
"Where's Lucy?"
"Were you guys kissing?"
"Maybe."
"You were, I can tell, Simon doesn't smile like that. Eeeeewwww, they were kissing Harriet."
"Where's Lucy?"
"You're my slave so I deserve a kiss now."
"Shut up for a second, we need to find Lucy."
"She's fine, I need my kiss now, come on Harriet, I caught you."
"Stop it Jack. We need to find Lucy now, she might have hurt herself."
"Don't be ridiculous, she's absolutely fine. I want my kiss."
Looking ahead through the trees there is no sign of Lucy. She must have just carried on running and running, unaware that we have all stopped and are taking the game to a different level. I squint my eyes in the hope that Lucy will somehow be easier to see with smaller pupils. But still she isn't within visual range. She is probably hiding behind a tree giggling to herself, thinking that we are all getting scared. But she isn't doing that at all. In fact she probably isn't doing anything right now.
"Come on guys, lets go looking for her."
"LUCY!"
"LUCY"
"LUCY"
"LUCY"
...
"Okay, time for your medication now."
The nurse has arrived at last, to give my mother her medication. This means that the woman who helped me grow and learn is about to start talking rubbish and slipping in and out of consciousness unaware of who I am. This is becoming hard to watch, as she slowly slips away from this world.
"Excuse me nurse, how is she doing?"
"Not bad. She has her moments like the poo incident, but compared to some of the others she is like an angel."
"What about her mind?"
"Dementia does strange things to people I'm afraid. She sometimes is with us and sometimes she's not. It's just like we are but without any control over the thoughts."
"Lucy"
"Mum?"
...
"LUCY"
She must have run down this pathway just a little further, come on guys we must move quicker.
"LUCY"
...
The walk to the cafe was becoming much harder since the operation, and I didn't want to be a burden to my children so I just struggled onwards regardless of the throbbing agony. Oh this pain, why me?
...
"LUCY"
...
Where did I put my mobile?
I could have sworn it was in my bag, in fact I clearly remember putting it in there before I came out. So where could it have got to now? I need it to phone my waste of space husband, I need him to pick up something for dinner on the way home. I do not want chicken wings AGAIN! Twice in one week is far more then enough, it’s that sauce that they are covered in that I hate, stains like anything, and doesn’t come out even if you hand scrub the bastard. Come on, the phone must be in here somewhere. I bet it’s been stolen; someone has come along and taken it out of my bag. I bet it was that ugly man I saw standing at the station. He followed me for at least 3 hours I’m sure. It was him standing outside Marks when I was coming out, and he was in that café as well, he even sat behind me. I bet he took it then, just leant over and whipped it straight out of my bag, with me sitting right there. I can’t believe it, what is this world coming to when your phone isn’t even safe from being thieved from you while you sit having a coffee and shortbread?!
...
Why is Sheila so late? All the time, and always when I lose my phone and can’t contact her to meet me somewhere different. I could carry on shopping, I mean; I need to get those shoes for that stupid boy of mine since he ruins them in a matter of weeks. They should make them out of stronger material, I mean, as far as I can see you are only paying all the money for the name on the shoe, I should buy blank ones and draw a stupid label on, but then he wouldn’t be “cool”. I’m sure we didn’t go to such lengths when I was young to impress the people around us, but saying that I never had enough money as a youngen. I probably would have wasted money just as much though, if I had had access to so much. That’s the problem today though, too much stuff to get. But I have to agree that some of it is good stuff, and I don’t have the time to go through all the garbage to find the bits of gold. Oh here it is, it was in my pocket the whole time, I guess that man was actually innocent, as far as stealing my phone is concerned.
...
"LUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCYYYYYYYY"
...
“SCCCCREEEEEAAAAAAACCCCCHHHHHHHH”
Spin, spin, spin. Turning the wheel isn’t making any difference; this car is going to do what it wants for the next thirty seconds. PANIC! What’s going to happen now? Am I going to die held down by this belt as a branch comes bellowing through the windscreen and into my flesh? I don’t want to die now, there is so much that I still haven’t yet done. I want to do those things before that branch comes. I haven’t swum with dolphins yet, and I wanted to do that when I was a child. Why didn’t I do that yet? I even had the option of it while in Australia but I passed it up in exchange for a longer lunch, why was I so stupid?!
...
"LUCY, LUCY, LUCY"
...
"are you still urinating blood dearest?"
...
I don't want to die yet, there is still so much for me to see and do. I don't feel ready to face whatever the next life has to offer me. I'm too young to die. I will always be too young to die, because I will only ever be as old as I am now.
...
"What's your favourite TV show?"
"Mine?"
"Yeah yours, who else is here for me to ask?"
"I don't know, it's a busy place, maybe you saw a friend or something."
"Why would I ask someone that question without saying hello to them first?"
"You didn't say hello to me."
"I did, I said "Alright?" alright."
...
The end of the world...
"Well."
"Well what?"
"What's your favourite TV programme?"
"Why do you want to know the answer to such a ridiculous question?"
"Because you can tell a lot about someone from what they watch."
"How can you tell?"
"Well, if you like soap operas then you are probably interested in people."
"That's just dumb. You can't tell anything about a person based only on what TV they like to watch, that' insane."
"Is not, how about if you stay up late and watch then adult late night channels?"
"Then you're just a man."
"See, I told you that you can tell a lot about a person because of TV."
"I already knew you were a man, you have a beard, and you are not my cousin before the laser treatment."
"Okay then, how about people who watch sports are interested in their own physical health."
"Just change the subject, I do not wish to discuss the intricacies of the mind set created, manipulated, deconstructed and thoroughly wrung by the idiot box of dreams."
...
The sweat was dripping down my back, but I had not been running. The tension in the court seemed to be having a profound effect on me, but I was more worried about my children. How do I explain to them why I am in court, and what their father has done. I can hardly believe it myself. I don't want to believe it, no matter what these witnesses say. We may not have been together for almost five years and I can only fathom this out by believing that he must have changed in that time we were not together. He was not a rapist when I was married to him, I'm sure of it.
...
"So how do you feel today?"
"Okay I guess. I don't know why I have to be having this counselling, it seems so unnecessary."
"Well, it's all been paid for by the courts, so just use what they've given you."
"They took my ex husband away. I have to explain to my children why and they are not yet old enough to understand."
"Don't underestimate your children."
...
"LUCY, WHERE ARE YOU?"
"Open wide, here comes the aeroplane."
"I am not a baby."
Why doesn't she answer? Can we not move faster guys? she must be around here somewhere.
"LUCY"
"Can you stop shouting? She isn't answering."
"NO, LUCY! LUCY!"
...
Do I really want to marry him?

(Thankyou for reading, this is only the introduction to a larger story.)