Will I ever...?

They say that life's a journey, but they never made it clear how and when this journey will end...

Will I ever be happy? Are my laughs and smiles ever gonna express my true feelings or will they always be used just to maintain my outward appearance? I'm tired of all this. But what is all of this? I'm confusing myself, it's like I don't know what's bothering me but all I know is that I'm bothered.

I try to be that person that solves instead of instigates. I try to be a person that one day my children will look up to and respect. But how can I make that happen when I don't even have the respect that I should have for myself? I deserve a better life filled with better people and bigger hearts. Ones that truly 'give a shit' about me. I spend my days and my nights thinking about how I can change. I want to be that strong person that I say I am. I want to be fearless. I want to be inevitable. I want to be able to turn my back on a close friend without feeling guilty or coldhearted. I want for once to 'not give a shit'.

Is that too much to ask? Why would it be when everyone around me has that personality? The personality of a pro with a heart made of ice and a soul created by devils. I hate being the one with the sweet smile and the comforting hug. I used to love to be the person that people came to for mediation and support. But then again that's when I thought that all my hard work was appreciated. I was sadly mistaken for a naive fool that would have put her neck on the line for anyone that just showed her a sign approval! What was I thinking? How can I possibly believe that someone would be there to catch my fall or to guide me when I'm misled? Who am I to ask anyone to do me such a difficult favor?

Ha! Wow! Is that life? It sure isn't what I hoped it would be! It's a place filled with lies, hate, and selfishness! Just the thought of living in this place should be considered a sin. I won't allow myself to bend down backwards to reach it's ground. I don't want this life! I'm through!