Letter to my Sister

Dear Hill,

My therapist said that writing you a letter would make me feel better. How, I don't know. She's a bit crazy, my therapist. Her name is Hillarie, just like yours, but she likes that name. I remember when you used to yell at me for calling you Hillarie, how you'd always correct me and tell me that your name was Hill. God, I miss those days.

Hillarie says I have this thing called "Survivor's Guilt." She says it is where one person feels guilty for staying alive while the others around her die. I guess that is how I feel. I mean, how come I was the only person in that flaming wreck of a car that crawled out with hardly a scratch? How come you and your boyfriend ended up dying? It isn't fair!

Sorry if some of the words on the page are blurred, Hill, because I just can't stop crying. Some people have told me to just move on, to try to forget the accident. Hill, I can't forget the accident! I refuse! If I forget the accident, I might forget you, and that would hurt me so badly. You were my rock when I was weak, my strength. My dear, darling sister, you were truly my best friend in the whole world. I don't care that you were three years older, I loved you more than anything else. I... I still love you more than anything else.

I was weak. At that party, I should have stopped you and your boyfriend from drinking all the wine coolers and beer. I knew I wasn't old enough to drive, and you were our only hope of getting home. But I saw that this alcohol made you happy and I figured, Hey. If it makes Hill feel good, it can't be that bad!

I should have called Mom or Dad. They were in town, and my cellphone was in my pocket. I'm sorry, Hill, I was stupid. Maybe if I had decided to be a better younger sister, maybe you would still be alive. Maybe this whole stupid, sad ordeal wouldn't happen.

I'm crying too much to continue, but I just want to tell you something. You looked beautiful in your coffin, despite the scars and burns across your face. You will forever look beautiful, because frankly, you are the most beautiful person I ever knew, inside and out. And Hill, I just wanted you to know that I love you. I will love you for the rest of my life, and you are truly my best friend.

Love forever,
I miss you,
Carleigh