What kind of sexual performer are you?

First, I'm sending out an apology to the Republicans and Conservatives that're reading this... yeah, right.

There are many different types of people in the world, and with that comes the various different types of 'lovers'... With this "chart" I'm not asking you to identify yourself, but rather, I am showing you the type of lover you may or may not be, and how you can change that...or help you to find the lover you want.
This may offend some and this may be taken from your own sexual experience and with that I apologize... but it's all in good fun and no names were mentioned...

<b><u>Firecracker:</b></u>
Definition:
This lover is infamous for one GOOD BANG and then they're done. Usually it's the type you find at the bar, take home for a one night stand, use and abuse and then leave before they wake up the next morning and leave behind no forwarding address...hey it happens, I understand.
How to spot them:
Usually all talk, no walk. Half the time they're piss-ass drunk... or just talking your ear off about "what they could do" to you...
Tip:
Bang once, rinse, lather, and do not repeat the first step.

<b><u>Drunken Good Lay</b></u>
Definition:
They usually suck in bed, or are pretty bad...but get a few shots in them? Oh you'll feel like you just got laid by Dr. Ruth only 40 years younger.
How to spot them:
They're drunk off their high-horse, horny as hell, and are ready to go...and they want you... Now it's possible that they may suck, pass-out, or whatever, but if they throw you down like a football player and mount you? What's not to love!?
Tip:
Buy them a round.

<b><u>The Screamer.</b></u>
Definition:
Well, if you have children, and your 6 year old comes trampling outside and says it outloud "She's a screamer," to your new boyfriend... yeah, that's you.
How to spot them:
You can't... hahaha, but the family that lives with you/them can.
Tip:
Well, if you need an ego boost? Go for it.

<b><u>Loose Bitch:</b>,</u>
Definition:
Sadly, the title speaks for itself. Usually a woman, unless you're gay and we're talking about a completely different hole. Either way, the title describes it all.
How to spot them:
Uh... they've participated in multiple orgies, are infamous for sleeping with multiple people in only a few hours/one day, have slept with more than one of your friends/band-mates, and they admit to this proudly. Their reputation precedes them.
Tip:
RUN!! But, if by chance you do them, get tested... get them tested... only do them if you're really that lonely because even if they are clean, it's still like sticking a toothpick in outerspace and hoping to feel the outer-walls of the universe...

<b><u>The Royal Fool:</b></u>
Definition:
There comes a time when you cross paths with a man/woman that refuses to "give up" until he's sexually satisfied you. Usually I'd tell you to jump up and down without a bra and say "TAKE ME YOU SEX GOD!" But with this...it's not the case...
How to spot them:
Hopefully their reputation procedes them...other than that, you're screwed.
Tip:
This is where I advise you to fake an orgasm because the bitch/asshole just sucks at everything and the sex is more painful (mentally) than anything else.

<b><u>The Entertainment:</b></u>
Definition:
This guy/girl loves to talk/tell jokes during sex...why? I don't know. You either want to gag them with duct tape or you laugh so hard you lose an erection/the 'moment'.
How to spot them:
They usually talk too much anyway.
Tip:
Don't mount them...spare yourself. Either that or get them into bondage and gag them

<b><u>The Director:</b></u>
Definition:
Although not to be confused with "the screamer" there are certainly many qualities these two have in common. These types usually are more demanding: "left", "right", "faster", "slower", "harder"... You get the picture.
How to spot them:
Stubbornly demanding on a daily-basis? Probably.
Tip:
Unless you're the submissive... walk away and don't look back, it'll be like doing your mother.

<b><u>The Acrobat:</b></u>
Definition:
Skilled, agile, and down right a pretzel in your arms... if you like Auntie Anne's well these babies will definately fulfill your hidden sexual fantasies about those buttered up pretzels.
How to spot them:
Cheerleaders, contortionists, gymnasts, etc... these bitches usually flaunt their flexibility.
Tip:
Please, I beg of you, take advantage of this golden opportunity.

<b><u>The Misanthrope:</b></u>
Definition:
This is the lover that doesn't trust you, makes you pull out 20+ times to change/check the condom. Or ruins the mood/moment time and time again.
How to spot them:
Lonely, in a corner, or just so bitchy they are out to ruin your life anyway.
Tip:
If you like a challenge, go for the gold...or just say "fuck the condom" flip the bitch over and go for the win...spite them and you.

<b><u>The Hick:</b></u>
Definition:
The one who constantly asks "Who's your daddy?" or "Tell me I'm big, baby girl..." or if you hear "Ride 'em Cowboy/girl" or "Yeeehaw" at any point during your sexual adventure...yeah you got a hick.
How to spot them:
Missing one or more teeth, dingy, wears the infamous ten gallon hat, or listens to country...sometimes a random hip-hop/rap listener will surprise you as well... condom-buyer beware.
Tip:
These lovers aren't that bad, although picturing a parental unit or Larry the Cable Guy may not exactly be what you're into...if that's the case, don't do 'em...if you like that sort of thing, well there's not much more to say aside from Git'R Done.

<b><u>The Glutton:
Definition:
Much like the hick these lovers indulge in themselves, not always in a bad way mind you, but more often than not they make sexual advances that can be a bit unnerving. The old "Tell me I'm good..." or "Am I pleasing you?" Can get in the way of a good sexual career...now many times this happens normally- the Glutton however asks these questions amongst others RELENTLESSLY.
How to spot them:
Beef-cake of a man, or a little book-wormy bastard...you can't always tell with them.
Tip:
They're probably small or have been hooked on 'roids for a prolonged period of time, so don't bother... unless you like a challenge or your G-spot is your best friend.

<b><u>The Hero:</b></u>
Definition:
The lover that makes all of your dreams come true... take me in your arms baby, I'm ready for this one! The exact opposite of The Royal Fool.
How to spot them:
They find you...oh and when they find you... man they find you...oh yeah...
Tip:
Use 'em, abuse 'em, and ride 'em like your favourite rollercoaster because baby maybe the relationship won't last, but the sex is good enough for now.

<b><u>Dead Body:</u></b>
Definition:
This lover is the laziest of them all...usually the bottom of the missionary or cowgirl. Not to be confused with the 'normal' lover that simply likes the bottom. This person does nothing, there is usually no movement, no life, just some breathing.
How to spot them:
Sadly, you can't. They just suck.
Tip:
Unless you like doing all the work, or are in need of shedding a few unruley pounds...fake finishing (unless they're tight/big and you can) and walk away without showing any remorse.


That's not all my friends, there are plenty more so you may feel free to add them at your own will, but I felt the need to spare you at present for the simple fact that many of you, though reluctant to admit it, probably fit the qualifications of one or more of these lovers... sad, but oh so true...

To you "I'm waiting for marriage" people, which isn't a bad thing by any means, bravah to you... well now you've peaked your little nose into our mischevous lives, this is what you get to look forward to on your honeymoon...odds are, you females will be The Dead Body! ENJOY!!!

<b>Advice: Life's a bitch, so go do one.</b>