It all began when...

It all began when I discovered that I could walk up walls. It was exhilarating, yes, but not nearly as revolutionary as you would think it to be. At first, I was sure that my mind was playing tricks on me, and my logical senses told me to be reasonable and/or realistic.

Then I looked down at the floor, saw the empty bottles, both of prescribed medications and of tequila, and the crumpled blotter paper, and I realized that my borderline depressive tendencies had reached their end.

I touched the brick lightly with my fingertips, feeling the coldness tingle against my skin. I closed my eyes, stepped up the wall, and felt my body follow my steps. As my mind revolted, I felt my body crumbled beneath me to the floor below. Somehow, though, as I distracted myself from thinking about the wall and my body, I tried it again and thought instead of the steps necessary to make strawberry torte.

I made it about five feet up the wall before the words "absurd," "ridiculous," and "vicodin" slashed through my mind.

I stared at my feet for awhile, realizing that their must be something special, magical, or at least insurance worthy of them. That was when I saw it.

My pinky toenail was missing nail polish. This may not seem like the enormous mishap to you as it was to me, and this just goes to show how you, along with 99% of the world's population, know less than nothing about me.

Despite my lackluster complexion, my frumpy appearance, my split ended tresses; I have always taken great pride in my favorite feature: my toenails. Specifically, I have always taken great pride in my favorite toe, my perfect little pinky toe on my left foot.

And as I examined my left foot more closely, my suspicions were confirmed. I was definitely lacking some Perfect Peach loveliness on my left pinky toe. It made no sense at all, in all the preparations I had made, in all the careful planning that had always overtaken my life, how could I have missed this very important, very essential part of my existence?

And as I saw the blood start to pool around my motionless body, I realized that in my last moments, the only perfect part of my body would always only be remembered as plain.

Jane with her left pinky toenail missing nail polish.