The Wackiest Story ever

It was a lovely day at Madame Le Rillieux's Pub, where Ruby, the gorgeous dragoness was having a hissy fit over the issues of her previous days.
"My baby boy ran away!" she cried, covering her eyes with her translucent wings. "And it's all my fault!"
Smokey, a rough, macho-type chimaera replied, "No, you imbecile. You threw him out yesterday."
"How would you know?" demanded Ruby, blowing her nose on a rabbit.
Smokey walked up, a diagram in his paws.
"Perhaps this, milady, would change your mind?"
Ruby glared at the painting, which was drawn in horrible stick figures.
"What is that ridiculous fat thing?" Ruby inquired.
"Err...."
"Oh, I'll get you, you rotten chimaera!"
And so, a violent chase began, leaving them at the top of Mount Icanseeyourbloomers.
"Icanseeyourbloomers?" inquired thelovablekelpie's editor. "Where have you been all day?"
The girl began to list off, "Well, Holland, Downtown Portsmouth in Virginia, up a hippo's a-"
"Alright, alright! I'm sorry I inquired your whereabouts!" the editor replied, covering the girl's mouth. "Just, erm, get on with the bloody story!"
And so, Ruby stopped, seeing ripples in the air.
"Don't tell me, you ate a sprig of the Forbidden Herb to conceal yourself, didn't you?"
"If, I were an idiot, I would answer you," the ripple replied.
"You moron, you just did!" shouted Ruby.
And so, back in the background, thelovablekelpie and her austere editor were having a scuffle over accents.
"Why do you get a British accent and I an American one?" shouted thelovablekelpie, pulling the editors hair.
"Because you are American, you blooming idiot!"
"Oh...."
The scuffle ended eruptly.
"I think you spelled that wrong," remarked the editor, picking her nose.
"You sure?"
"Why?"
"'cause then it's a fight to the death!"
"Oh, will you two shut up?" inquired Ruby, sitting on Smokey. "I'm trying to fry meself this chimaera and you two bloody baffoons are ruining it. I've got AC/DC on!"
The editor cried out, "Ouch! You're on my hair!"
"Well no duh!" replied her enemy. "You're in my head!"
"But I'm your conscience!"
"Oh, I'll take you down a pig!"
"I believe the expression is peg."
And so...the scuffle continued until Chapter two.
CHAPTER TWO
"Mummy, I'm home!" shouted Lucifer Nikita, Ruby's son.
"Well, help me fry this here chimarea, darlin'."
So, thelovablekelpie and her editor stuck their heads in the door.
"He's too oldy, he's way too moldy." sang the girls in voices that could make a dragon die [and not in the flattering way, either, m'dears].
"And I thought you couldn't sing," Ruby commented to Smokey, who shrugged.
"Perhaps I can, perhaps I can't."
A beautiful, austere fairy strode in, her hair aflame.
"Why can't you bloody beasts be friends?" she inquired, stabbing them in the bottom with a dull fork.
"Well, maybe if you'd stop doing that, we'd be a bit less irritable!" Smokey snapped, running his backside.
"Oh, shut up, you big baby," thelovablekelpie told him.
"Why?"
"'Cause I said so."
"Really?"
"You deaf, boy?"
"Boy?!"
"Apparently you aren't."
Smokey flushed, turning ruddier than the fairy.
The editor began to scream at the top of her lungs.
"May the Lord rest your soul, what is wrong child?" croaked Ruby.
"The toilet tried to eat me!" she whined.
"Darlin', who said that was a toilet?"
"It said so on the sign!"
Lucifer Nikita jumped up, estatic.
"We have a bathroom!" he shouted, pirohetting across the room. [I hope you never have the experience of watching a dragon do that, particularly if you're in there too.]