How To Relieve Stress After Midterms

I won't lie to my fellow Princeton High Schoolers. I don't stress over midterms. They pass over me in a blur. So I can only speculate as to what you might do to relieve stress after these brutal exams. Beth Breslaw says, "I watch stupid TV like Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Then I sleep. For a really long time." However, I'm sure that many of us don't watch that show, or we drink so much coffee, it becomes impossible to sleep for more than three hours at a time.
We are all different, but similar enough that our characteristics place us in a certain "social group." Using common stereotypes and generalizations, we can label ourselves. So, I have devised a chart that suggests ways to relieve stress, depending on which group you put yourself in.
Stoner- Did you even go to midterms? Well, either way, you know what to do.

Videogame Junkie- Hold a six hour Halo competition in your basement. Winner gets a high-five.

Ugly Person- Get a facial. Or a new hairdo. Or a mask.

Hippie- Sit in a tree, and attach love notes to the branches. Hope the squirrel gets them this time.

Fundamentalist Christian- Take a bubble bath with "Wash Away Your Sins" body wash. Available in Spencer's, Tower Records, Heaven

Sports-aholic- Play a sport. Sports you enjoy playing are the best.

Normal Teenager- Visit the zoo. Make a bologna and mayo sandwich. Start a new political party. Not die.

Cat- Lay in the sun. Cough up those stressful hairballs.

Prep- This label constitutes 99.9% of PHSers. Why don't you hang out with each other? They're not hard to find. Just look for fuzzy brown shoes.

Cowboy- Watch Brokeback Mountain. Unless you're homophobic. In which case you should practice your rodeo skills on a mechanical bull.

Poser- Buy a popular, emo CD you secretly love, and claim you've been listening to the band for years. When showing it to your friends the next day, say, "What a bunch of sell-outs. They used to be so good!"

Indie- Buy a CD by a band you've never heard of, just to be unique. Become infuriated when you discover your friend also listens to them.

Gansta- Shoot someone.

I hope these suggestions are meaningful to you, although the likelihood is that they are not.