Finding My Way Back Home

I'm back??? I know that it's been a long time, but recently I have "felt the tug" to write again. I really don't remember how.

I have been to brink of hell and back. For a long time I felt as though I had been brutally and violently murdered, yet my body was still alive. I still have so much difficulty putting it into words. I might ramble so...(hold on)

I thought that I loved him. No one has ever affected me in this way. He was my muse. All of my life, my teachers had told me that I was a writer. But only he could inspire me to actually do it. I never believed that I could write poetry and yet my first and last poem was about him. It seems strange that he will probably never get to see it and even if he does, he won't know that it was written for him.

In some small ways, I still miss him. My soul was vacant for so long. Oh, I kept up a bravado for the outside world. They didn't know how I cried at night and how I fought depression and insanity. Many times this battle would happen just before I would become visible to the public eye... and right after I had performed my last public smile.

I still sometimes lie awake at night. Sleep is still fleeting at times but I am adjusting. I think that I am finally on the road to recovery. There is still a dead place that lives inside of me. I don't really know if it is shrinking or if I have just gotten used to it.

I just know that I am no longer interested in forming romanctic relationships of any kind anymore. I kinda hope that this will pass. I kinda hope that it won't. Maybe this is just my numb stage. Maybe it isn't.

In any case, I am beginning to feel better. The fact that I wrote this much after more than a year is a testament to that. Yeah, I am begining to be able to focus my thoughts so my last emotion as I write this is a vague feeling of expectation. (couldn't be excitement, could it?) One day I will write a piece about extreme joy and contentment. But for right now...

Goodbye L.F.