I Came, I Saw, My Savings Was Conquered

Well, it has finally happened. Though I swore I would never look at another house, I finally did. And though I swore I would never find anything that I liked, I did. And now, after 3 strokes, 5 panic attacks, and 27 ulcers, I own this place. And just to save you folks from the idea of ever trying this for yourselves, I will try to relate to you just how this process works.

I am always eager to help y’all in that way.

First, one must get pre-qualified for a loan. This only requires you to fill out a small simple application. And provide your last 32 years of tax papers. And your last 400 pay stubs. And copies of every thing you ever bought. And a blood sample, a rabies test from your dog, and your children’s fingerprints. There were other things, but I lost count at 6000 pieces of paperwork.

Next, you have to find a house that you like. Ha! This takes possibly half of your life. Some are too small, some too big, some too old, and some too modern. It’s like trying to pick out candy in the grocery store, except the bags are 30 miles apart. Plan on needing FHA financing just for the gas.

Once you have found what you will SETTLE for (because there is nothing you like in a price that you can afford), you will have to make a deal. I was lucky; the owner and me talked, and came to deal with a handshake. For most people though, this requires mounds of “contract” offers. That means you submit what you will pay, they laugh at you, you re-submit, they laugh again, and so on. Finally, at some point one of you gets tired of filling out the paperwork or laughing, and you have a deal.

Next, you take the contract to the bank, where the really exciting part begins: you get to watch your checking account shrink day by day! The house has to be appraised, and of course the appraiser wants money. There has to be a termite inspection, and they want money. The septic system has to be pumped out and inspected. More money. You have to buy insurance for this and that. Even more money.

Finally, after having paid $10,000, you might actually have the chance (and the funds left) to go to closing. “Closing” is French for “I want all the money you have left and your dreams too”.

You see, you have to pay for the actual closing. You have to buy title insurance, so no one else can claim to own your house, and boot you into the neighbor’s yard. You have to pay a lawyer to make sure that everything is legal. You have to pay taxes, and you have to pay for “research”. You just pay, pay, pay, and pay.

Then, of course, it’s the bank’s turn. They want “fees”. Loan fees, origination fees, credit report fees, bathroom usage fees, and of course, overdraft fees. Then they offer you an incredible deal: if you pay them “points” they will lower the interest rate on your loan.
“Points may save you thousands of dollars in interest,” they say. “They can be written off on your taxes,” they tell you. Maybe this is true but dang! How much more can my poor checking account stand? I already had to auction one of my kids, and feed the dog turnip greens!

Finally, after paying 48 people with 76 separate checks, spending your kids entire inheritance, and facing a note so big that even third world countries look at you and laugh, you will have purchased a house. You can now spend the rest of your years with the satisfaction that you own this place, and no one can tell you what to do with it. You can even feel a little pride and relief that you are done.

Oh, did I forget to mention utility deposits?