 Comedy: August 21, 2019 Issue [#9718] |
This week: Divided by a Common Language Edited by: Waltz Invictus  
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The British do not expect happiness. I had the impression, all the time that I lived there, that they do not want to be happy; they want to be right.
― Quentin Crisp
As I railed on and on, I became increasingly energied and excited by my own misery and misanthropy until I reached a kind of orgasm of negativity.... The Brits don't merely enjoy misery, they get off on it.
― Eric Weiner
It almost boosts your self-esteem being screamed at by someone with an English accent.
― Andrew Smith |
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Whilst innocently searching the internet for material, I tripped and fell into this rant.
38 Americanisms the British Can’t Bloody Stand
Oh, it's on now. Heading to Boston Harbor with a crate full of tea. This means war.
So, this bloke, Gyles Brandreth (name checks out - as British as blood pudding and spotted dick), delves into some of the differences between British English and American English, mostly, as noted in the headline, from the point of view of American mangling of the language.
Naturally, I can't let this stand. They may have invented the language (or, more precisely, cobbled it together from bits, pieces, odds, ends, and the occasional whatsit), but we definitely perfected it. While I can't reproduce the entire list, here are some highlights:
6. “Touch base”—it makes me cringe no end.
What are you trying to say? That it's not cricket?
7. Is “physicality” a real word?
I don't know, England. Is "orientated" a real word?
10. What kind of word is “gotten”? It makes me shudder.
It's part of a past participle. Writing for LitHub, you should know this. Maybe soon you'll have gotten over it.
18. “Normalcy” instead of “normality” really irritates me.
Yeah, well, we say the former because it was part of a President's speech. You know, the President? An actual elected head of state?
On the other mitt, there are some in his list with which I happen to agree. To wit:
6. “Touch base”—it makes me cringe no end.
Yeah, I pasted this one again. Sure, it's uniquely American due to baseball, but I really hate sports metaphors in general, such as "the ball is in their court" for when you're expecting work from someone else before you can proceed with yours.
15. A “heads up.” For example, as in a business meeting—Let’s do a “heads up” on this issue. I have never been sure of the meaning.
Me neither, Gyles, but it sounds sportsy, so I hate it.
34. To “medal” instead of to win a medal. Sets my teeth on edge with a vengeance.
As the great philosopher Calvin once said to the even greater philosopher Hobbes, "Verbing weirds language."
37. “I could care less” instead of “I couldn’t care less” has to be the worst. Opposite meaning of what they’re trying to say.
Okay. This one is absolutely true, in all cases, and betrays a lack of intelligence on either side of the pond.
And yet, simply because you've now declared war, Gyles, I'm going to have to fire the next shot. So... what's up with this crap, Brits?
1. "Boot" for "trunk." Given that automobiles were invented after our countries got a divorce, it's not surprising that we have different words for the parts of a car. "Trunk" makes sense, though, because in early horseless carriages that's where an actual steamer-trunk-looking thing got strapped so that we could put our junk into it; hence, "junk in the trunk." There's no excuse for calling it a "boot."
2. Similarly, "bonnet" for "hood." Brits, this isn't more elegant. When I think of a bonnet, I think of something floral and sunny and way too posh for its purpose, which is to cover a dirty, smelly internal combustion engine. "Hood" makes a lot more sense.
3. Loo. I mean, what even is this? Okay, I will admit that saying "I need the loo" is way more concise and less embarrassing than "I have to go to the restroom," but seriously?
4. If you're happy about something, you're "chuffed." This is one of those things that you just have to know that it means "pleased," isn't it? Because the word doesn't sound pleased. It sounds like you've just been dragged down the motorway under the boot of an auto.
5. When you're rich enough to pay for your kids' education in England, you send them to public school. This is precisely the opposite of what it says.
6. A biscuit is a fluffy circle of dough that gets baked in an oven, and then split apart and smothered with sausage gravy as an important part of breakfast. That is what a biscuit is. Those sweet, crunchy things you eat with your tea? Those are cookies.
7. Okay, look, I will concede that not only is "fish and chips" a wonderful phrase, but it might also be the highlight of British cuisine. But "chips" is a much better word for what you call "crisps," period. Er, full stop. Whatever.
8. This is not just one word, but really, England, could we please just come to an agreement on what to call clothing? Trousers, pants, knickers, knackers, panties, jumpers, wellies... it's all very confusing to me, and next time I visit I might want to purchase clothing without being snackered at.
Okay, so it's not as long as Mr. Brandreth's screed, but I hope I've made it clear that, as two countries divided by a common language, sometimes things get lost in translation. At least we're not French, right? |
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Last time, in "Free!" , I did a dialogue about money management.
BIG BAD WOLF is Merry  : I have a similar problem, especially where jerky and chocolate-covered pretzels are concerned - I look at the calories, know they ain't good for me, and then I eat them, along with the cheese and crackers and cookies and chips, and other such things.
The parallels between calorie counting and coin counting are not lost on me.
Legendary❤️Mask  : No matter what it always cost you in the long run. But, on the other hand if you were going to remodel and buy a truck. Everything was as bonus, well maybe not...lol It still cost in the long run. At least there was free beer. 
Ah, but was there really?
Quick-Quill  : Hey! I resemble that story!!
Comedy is only comedy if it happens to someone else.
And that's it for me for this month - see you next time! Until then,
LAUGH ON!!! |
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