 Comedy: July 24, 2019 Issue [#9663] |
This week: Free! Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counseling; if you can use either one, it's a miracle.
-Jack Adams
Good ideas are a dime a dozen, bad ones are free.
-Douglas Horton
What you get free costs too much.
-Jean Anouilh |
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"I just don't understand why I'm so broke all the time."
I shrugged. "The most common reason is spending too much money."
Jack had told me that he needed advice, so we met at a place for good advice and even better decisions: a bar.
He tipped his beer to his lips. "Nah, that can't be right."
"Didn't you just tell me you bought an ATV?"
"Well, sure." He studied the ranks of whiskey bottles behind the bar. "But it was a used one. Saved me a lot of money. It's fun - you should come by and try it out sometime."
"Jack," I pointed out, "you live in a suburb."
"I have a pickup now. It's only 15 miles to the trailhead."
I swallowed several slugs of beer. This was going to be a long one. "What'd Diane get?"
"Huh?"
"Your wife never lets you buy anything unless she gets something, too. What did she get?"
"Oh, right. She said, 'Well, if you can afford an ATV, then I can afford an exercise bike.'"
"I see. So now you have an exercise bike clogging your family room?"
"There wasn't room in there," Jack said. "We rearranged the kitchen. Had to get a guy over to redo some cabinets. It looks great, though."
"And how much did that cost?"
"The bike? She got it on sale."
"No, the remodeling."
"Oh, he did that for free. I spent most of a week last month helping him move. I just had to pay for the trim."
"Then it wasn't free," I said. "You just traded time, and you still bought the materials."
"So? It was a good deal."
I finished my beer and signaled the bartender for another. "Right. So, let's get this straight. You bought an ATV that you didn't need, one that costs real money just to haul to a place where you can use it, which led to also buying a pickup truck, a fitness cycle and a remodeled kitchen, none of which would have been necessary if you hadn't bought the ATV."
"But we didn't spend a lot of money on them!" Jack protested.
I gratefully accepted the new beer from the bartender, who whisked away the empty glass. "Back when I was married," I said after sampling the brew, "my wife once came home with a thousand dollars' worth of clothes. 'Look at these,' she said. 'Everything was half off! I saved $500!'"
"Hey, that is a good deal." Jack continued to nurse his beer.
"Point is, she didn't save $500. She spent $500. Ended up donating a bunch of older but perfectly good clothes to charity."
"Well, that's a tax deduction right there."
"Sure, maybe fifty bucks. Might have lowered our taxes by ten dollars."
Jack sighed. "Yeah, and now you're divorced."
"Hey, I got a really good deal on a lawyer."
"Still, you got boned in the deal."
I couldn't argue with that. Or I could, but I didn't want to get into it. Instead, I drank more beer, the only solution to such issues. "So you do see my point."
"I guess."
"Hey, you wanted advice. My advice is: stop buying stuff."
Jack finished his beer. "I suppose you're right."
I reached for my wallet, but Jack stopped me. "This one's on me," he said.
Hey, I didn't argue. Free beer! |
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