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Printed from https://writing.com/main/newsletters/action/archives/id/9663
Comedy: July 24, 2019 Issue [#9663]




 This week: Free!
  Edited by: Waltz Invictus Author IconMail Icon
                             More Newsletters By This Editor  Open in new Window.

Table of Contents

1. About this Newsletter
2. A Word from our Sponsor
3. Letter from the Editor
4. Editor's Picks
5. A Word from Writing.Com
6. Ask & Answer
7. Removal instructions

About This Newsletter

If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counseling; if you can use either one, it's a miracle.
         -Jack Adams

Good ideas are a dime a dozen, bad ones are free.
         -Douglas Horton

What you get free costs too much.
         -Jean Anouilh


Word from our sponsor

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Letter from the editor

"I just don't understand why I'm so broke all the time."

I shrugged. "The most common reason is spending too much money."

Jack had told me that he needed advice, so we met at a place for good advice and even better decisions: a bar.

He tipped his beer to his lips. "Nah, that can't be right."

"Didn't you just tell me you bought an ATV?"

"Well, sure." He studied the ranks of whiskey bottles behind the bar. "But it was a used one. Saved me a lot of money. It's fun - you should come by and try it out sometime."

"Jack," I pointed out, "you live in a suburb."

"I have a pickup now. It's only 15 miles to the trailhead."

I swallowed several slugs of beer. This was going to be a long one. "What'd Diane get?"

"Huh?"

"Your wife never lets you buy anything unless she gets something, too. What did she get?"

"Oh, right. She said, 'Well, if you can afford an ATV, then I can afford an exercise bike.'"

"I see. So now you have an exercise bike clogging your family room?"

"There wasn't room in there," Jack said. "We rearranged the kitchen. Had to get a guy over to redo some cabinets. It looks great, though."

"And how much did that cost?"

"The bike? She got it on sale."

"No, the remodeling."

"Oh, he did that for free. I spent most of a week last month helping him move. I just had to pay for the trim."

"Then it wasn't free," I said. "You just traded time, and you still bought the materials."

"So? It was a good deal."

I finished my beer and signaled the bartender for another. "Right. So, let's get this straight. You bought an ATV that you didn't need, one that costs real money just to haul to a place where you can use it, which led to also buying a pickup truck, a fitness cycle and a remodeled kitchen, none of which would have been necessary if you hadn't bought the ATV."

"But we didn't spend a lot of money on them!" Jack protested.

I gratefully accepted the new beer from the bartender, who whisked away the empty glass. "Back when I was married," I said after sampling the brew, "my wife once came home with a thousand dollars' worth of clothes. 'Look at these,' she said. 'Everything was half off! I saved $500!'"

"Hey, that is a good deal." Jack continued to nurse his beer.

"Point is, she didn't save $500. She spent $500. Ended up donating a bunch of older but perfectly good clothes to charity."

"Well, that's a tax deduction right there."

"Sure, maybe fifty bucks. Might have lowered our taxes by ten dollars."

Jack sighed. "Yeah, and now you're divorced."

"Hey, I got a really good deal on a lawyer."

"Still, you got boned in the deal."

I couldn't argue with that. Or I could, but I didn't want to get into it. Instead, I drank more beer, the only solution to such issues. "So you do see my point."

"I guess."

"Hey, you wanted advice. My advice is: stop buying stuff."

Jack finished his beer. "I suppose you're right."

I reached for my wallet, but Jack stopped me. "This one's on me," he said.

Hey, I didn't argue. Free beer!


Editor's Picks

Some funnies for you:

 Flying by Arabian Air Open in new Window. [E]
funny short story on flying
by wrapped-in-angel-wings Author Icon


 Carol Johnson and The Number 5 Open in new Window. [18+]
Character Gauntlet Day 6
by Author Ed Anderson Author Icon


 A Day in the Life Open in new Window. [13+]
A bank robber has a bad day at work. (Flash Fiction)
by Hyperiongate Author Icon


 What comes around... (2nd Place) Open in new Window. [E]
Alex was in a pickle. He knew the stuff was stolen but he didn't dare tell O'Banion.
by BScholl Author Icon


 The Chord of 88 Notes Open in new Window. [E]
The unfortunate outcome of racing 2 grand pianos.
by viva_teammalat Author Icon


 
Image Protector
Tittles Open in new Window. [13+]
Just something silly.
by Fhionnuisce Author Icon


Image Protector
Surprise! Open in new Window. [E]
That day I arrived uninvited at the Storymaster and Mistress's house...
by Genipher Author Icon

 
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Word from Writing.Com

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Ask & Answer

Last time, in "Something's UpOpen in new Window., I wouldn't shut up about "up."

Quick-Quill Author Icon: Cute NL It's funny to notice as I read, how many times the word UP became lost. Where you added it into the sentence, I mentally skipped it. I kept reading wondering when you would finally reveal the word. After about paragraph 3 I got it. From then on the added word seemed natural in the speaking world, however when written it seemed overused. Funny how that is.

         Yeah, what's up with that?


Legendary❤️Mask Author Icon: It's strange just how many times that 2 letter word comes up! *Laugh* Great newsletter this month.

         Yeah, it turns up in the weirdest places.


An apple a day.... Author Icon: Tally up and mop up.

         Straighten up, work up... and now I give up.


So that's it for me for July! See you next month - until then,

LAUGH ON!!!

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