Many of us use word love on a daily basis when we want to describe our feelings toward a spouse, boyfriend, or a girlfriend. You'll mostly hear majority say I love my husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend— depends on what kind of relationship they're in— but you will rarely hear I'm in love with my spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend for very obvious reason. Being in love literally means being 'obsessive' over someone's presence and generally developing tangible feelings in the form of kisses, hugs, caresses.

It is the 'I can't live without you' kind of feeling where you fall apart if you lack your lover's physical attention because you are certain you can't function normally without those and without your other half— him/her. We all happened to be in love during our teen ages when our bodies are still edgy rock, ready to be washed out in thousands of waters before they turn into a pebble.
We were probably in love at the beginning of every new relationship when the excitement about the other person is the highest since we don't know much about them; their habits, their social opinions, their relationships with the others. When you are getting to know another person there is no instant mutual trust of course. To build trust in someone takes a lot of time and dedication. So, what do we do if we are becoming in love with someone we just met and who left a good impression on us? We idealize them. We imagine a person who, by our own standards and vision, would be everything we ever wanted in this life. This is one of the reasons why most teenage relationships fall apart so easily and in early stage— it usually turns out the kind of person we idealized is not really the same what our mind conducted.

And then we have love— unconditional one, respectful one, trustworthy one. To love someone and to be loved goes beyond physical love, beyond the chemical, endorphin-filled feeling. While you can't choose who are you going to be in love with, you certainly CAN choose who are you going to love. You know this will be someone with whom you will establish a more secure relationship and overall someone who will accept you as a whole human being, your uniqueness among other humans. And, of course, you will accept them in the same manner.
You will bond and connect on a completely different level, you will develop more genuine feelings toward each other.

In the books I'm currently reading, Poldark series by Winston Graham   one of the main characters— Demelza— loves her husband Ross but due to his peculiar nature and inability to be romantic she falls under the spells of another man, a man who gives her different kind of attention than the one she was used to receiving from her husband. The other man— Hugh Armitage that is— uses every chance to show how much he is in love with her. At first, he gives her attention on random meetings in the town despite knowing she is married and despite the fact she is a wife of his great friend. Then he starts writing poetry in which he declares his love for her. Eventually, Armitage persuades her to spend a night with him which she accepted mainly because she was feeling a different kind of love than the one she was used to receiving from her husband and because she just needed to experience the kind of love that was not familiar to her. Their relationship fell apart completely when he died very soon after that day. Later on, she tells her husband it is him whom she loves but Armitage is the one who touched her heart.


Excerpt from the book:

“So what was the reason? Attraction, sheer physical attraction, which she had felt from the moment they had first met last year; sadness, for the news he brought of himself; opportunity, which had settled on them like a strange bird, making unreality out of isolation and giving her the feeling that she was no one, except a nameless woman to be taken by a nameless man.”— Winston Graham, The Four Swans

There is more to this story but I just wanted to bring to the attention why we need to be in love before we start loving and why both feelings will intertwine through our lives all the time, determining some of the most important decisions we will make.

To answer my own question I would say do both. Do both at different but also at the same time in your life. By being in love with your partner you will keep the passion which is very much needed in every relationship and butterflies in your stomach won't have a choice but stay. By loving your partner you will learn it wasn't about the butterflies in the first place.

Until next time, don't forget to love each other.

~Minja~