 Comedy: October 31, 2018 Issue [#9198] |
This week: This Is Not Happening! Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥmas  
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This is a WebWitch’s favorite evening. I’m not really here right now, because I 'm getting ready to place the creepy staging for a perfect , All Hallows Eve. On second thought, you’re probably not reading this either.  But, just in case ... |
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Hello there, folks! Happy Halloween!
The weeks leading up to this day were interesting to say the least. It was the annual, pack and get the haunted house ready to winterize for the trip down South. It’s always a very busy time of year. And then, comes the time to hit the road for the long trip in Ruby, my trusty SUV.
The Road Trip:
After Hurricane Florence hit the Southeast coast and Hurricane Michael hit the Panhandle of Florida, we were quite concerned about the best route to take so as not to run into hotels already booked, or roads detoured. Thinking we had the perfect plan, we took to road 
My Kingdom for a hot tub!
The first day, we left New England later than planned — by at least two days! The weekend is the best time to hit the road, as there aren’t rush hours causing delays in larger cities. Well, we got delayed at the house and postponed the travels from Friday evening head start, to Monday late afternoon. Bad decision because we could only put in several hours of travel, including a couple after it got dark. That night, the hotel, a pretty decent one, had no hot tub for weary, days of packing and finishing projects before traveling, bones are screaming for relief, to rest in before getting a good night’s sleep. However, I was told that said hotel did have a salt-water pool.  Oh, great, like I want a faux ocean for an hour or so before it closes, when I have the Florida ocean awaiting my arrival.
Day two, lots of travel, more traffic backups and a detour, not on the road we were traveling on, but feeder roads, which made most of the traffic pour into the one road we were on.  We were stuck for an hour and a half in that slowdown. We managed to get close to North Carolina, but not close enough. Another night at a hotel.
“Hi, are there any hot tubs available in-room?” 
“No, I’m sorry, we have no hot tub rooms nor do we have any rooms available. There is nothing I know of in the area, but , perhaps, fifty miles down the road there will be rooms available.”
We did manage to find a hotel with available rooms. And, no, there was no available hot tub, and the pool was closed due to the time. 
By now, my mind was on water. Lots of water to paddle around in. Any body of water that I could stretch my weary joints and take away the pressures of a full day’s traveling. Again, I thought to myself, this is just a fluke. Never in all the Southern travels had it gone beyond one day with no hot tub. So, it’s two days, I’ll live.
Another day begins and another long choice of the absolutely worst path heading southeast. There was the usual traffic jam due to all the workers returning home for the day, and add into that, half the highway was closed due to maintenance workers doing stuff like laying down orange cones and down and picking them back up. I often wondered if anything actually got done in between all that laying and picking. 
The next morning, I thought going further south would be a great idea before turning back eastward. But, I’m a woman, and a witch, what would I know about such things travel related? I’ve only been a veteran broom-rider for most of my adult life. But, nooooooooo! My idea might open up the possibility of lack of rooms due to Michael. After all, all those Western sides of the South had to go somewhere safe before the cat 4 hurricane hit land. Thus, another day of slowed-down traffic and not too many rooms to choose from at hotels. Night three and day four, and still circling the SC border. (I hinted to you that it was a crappy route!) While circling the South Carolina border, anxious to actually be in that state and zooming onto Georgia, another mysterious traffic jam. This time, we spent an hour trying to figure out what the problem was. There were no accident reports, or road worked announced. It was a two lane road south bound, thus cars should be traveling on the right and passing on the left, right? Wrong! After over an hour of creeping along, we finally spotted the trouble. It appears that a huge SUV towing a little trailer was stopped on the travel lane. When I say stopped, I don’t mean pulled over by police, or broken down with flashing hazard lights blinking as a warning to the travelers, I mean stopped on the travel lane, abandoned, and no warning. Imagine all the cars that came to a dead stop wondering why the car ahead that had no brake lights or flashers on, was not moving at a normal pace. We followed cars ahead of us and merged left, passing the curious sight. Several miles ahead a couple vehicles were pulled over and surrounded by five state troopers. I wondered if the two events were somehow related? 
We finally felt the end of the trip was near. The Florida border was getting closer, and we actually thought if traffic continued flowing at a decent speed, we’d have a chance of making it to our part of Florida that night.
Getting into Jacksonville,
The traffic started building up again. I had the local news radio station on and heard that there was a huge accident around the by-pass route. No, we weren’t on the by-pass route, we were on I-95, minding our own business and keeping up with the 45 MPH traffic, when the announcer said the traffic backups would be long since the by-passers were detoured onto our highway, causing heavy merging from far left lanes to far right and the other way around. In other words, a hot mess!
It was getting dark and we were getting hungry. I thought we should grab a bite to eat when we pulled off the next exit far enough away from the incident. We filled Ruby up and saw an inviting restaurant where we could fill ourselves up. After a good amount of protein we might actually get within a few hours of home.
The Side Dish
Now, all you ladies out there know that a man can finish a meal practically before we lay a napkin on our laps. Having finished his meal, WL got bored waiting for me to eat. He had the bill already paid, and when the receipt returned, started a conversation with the waitress. Meanwhile, I’m siting there trying to finish my meal without feeling that I need to rush. It felt creepy-weird to have a third-party person standing over the table while I continued taking bites of food. I tried to give WL a gentle kick under the table as a reminder that I’m eating while he’s laughing and joking and small-talking with our server. But when I tried to reach my foot over, I kept hitting the metal pedestal under the table. To make it worse, WL tried to involve me into the conversation, because by that time she was discussing a recipe she uses when cooking something on the menu, at home. Are you kidding me? I’m supposed to let the last few bites of delicious seafood get cold so I can talk about recipes rather than eating somebody else's recipe right under my chin?
Home at last!
We were happy to pull up in front the Southern Comfort home. Our neighbor pulled into her driveway at the same time. We greeted each other and I mentioned it was a grueling trip, I told her we’d drop off our luggage, place the food in the fridge and head to the pool and hot tub. She then announced the pool area is closed today for power washing. 
We did consider going to the beach, but heard the news warning people that the Red Tide hit our coastline and the public beaches would be closed for about a week. No, really — I'm not making this up.
WL told me a package was left by the side of the steps. “It appears that a delivery from a florist came for you, WW.” I was not expecting a delivery. It wasn’t my birthday, and to make it even more unlikely, I hadn’t changed my address, yet. I looked at the box and saw it was a live plant and should be taken out of the box and watered immediately. I held out the box to read it because my reading glasses were still in the car. It was a similar address number except the wrong party and the wrong street. I planned to call the Florist when I finished helping to unpack the car and put away the perishables.
No, this is not happening!
A while after the fridge got plugged in and all the food was properly placed inside, I heard a loud cranking-clunking noise.
“WL! The fridge is making nasty sounds!”
“Maybe it’s just adjusting to being turned-on after so many months. “ 
“No, WL, refrigerators do not adjust to being plugged and unplugged. Thankfully, we can get all the free ice we need to keep the interior cold until it gets replaced.”
Little did I know that transformer would blow out. It happened to be the one which supplies the clubhouse that contains the ice-making machine. The next day I headed for the pool and caught up with friends whom I haven’t seen for months. I told them the story of my refrigerator, and how lucky I was to have grabbed some ice before it all melted.
“So WebWitch, do you think the transformer is what caused the refrigerator to conk out?”
“No, Laurie. I think it was my refrigerator that caused the transformer to blow.”
My new refrigerator will have been delivered by the time this newsletter reaches your inbox. All’s well again in this witch’s world.
As for the “live plant?
I finally had a chance to call the florist and give them the tracking number. They said to keep the plant and that they would resend the flowers to the correct party. I hung up and looked at the now “my” box of “live-plant.” That’s where I saw these words: “To be delivered on October 4.” Oh, it only waited by my front door for two-plus, weeks. How bad can they be? 
Upon opening the box and removing the plastic lining, I saw what the plant was supposed to be, miniature roses. They were of course, black buds with black stems. I smiled because I knew these roses were meant for me! What better welcome home gift for a witch than dead roses?
It's a wrap for this Halloween edition of the Comedy Newsletter. 
Until next time -- laugh hard, laugh often!
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Elfin Dragon-finally published 
Wow WW! I've seen hairless cats & dogs. Heck, I've even seen a hairless rat. I certainly would've loved to see a hairless squirrel.
Quite a sight, indeed! And, imagine that squirrel explaining to other squirrels, the tale of his lost tail! 
willwilcox
You're life is a comedy of errors. Can I come and live with you?
Do so at your own risk. Be afraid, be very afraid! 
Monty 
Hi Web Witch I think it was very funny how the squirrel raised so much trouble and only lost his tail. Then again look at the favor he did you....
Dang squirrel! He can never show his tail around my property, again. I mean that literally!
BIG BAD WOLF is Merry 
Try using the bathroom, only for you to hear a "meow" coming from under the sink across from you. Had to deal with a cat crawling up under the skirting at the trailer I used to live in, and making their way up to the bathroom sink through an opening in the wall the other side of the bathtub.
Presently, been dealing with remodeling of my current place's bathroom.
That could make for a very probable CATastrophe!  Good luck with the remodeling, BBW! Thanks for the feedback.
Thank you for the feedback, folks. We editors really appreciate it!
See you next month!
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