 Comedy: October 03, 2018 Issue [#9149] |
This week: So, How was YOUR Summer? Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥmas  
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Hello folks and happy autumn to us in the Northern Hemisphere, and spring to those in the Southern Hemisphere. Whichever this season is for you, both are about change. Leaves turning brilliant colors are starting here, in the hills of New England. That’s a beautiful thing, except when ... read on. |
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I don’t know about you, but summer flew by for me. Autumn arrived and stormy weather caused unripened leaves to fall into the windhield well, thus building up over night. The next morning I begin plucking out the leaves, best I could, as there is always some buildup of sap and leaves during a New England season change. When I got into the car I notices a puddle of water on the driver's side, only! I found that puzzling, because I'd think if there was a leak in the sunroof, it would be on both sides of the car. However, clogged tubes leave no place for excess rain water water to go, thus that particular side was the path of least resistance.
WE took Ruby to our local mechanic to set up an oil change and ask about the water leakage. He came out looked at the driver's side windshield, and discovered a slight opening in the seal. Ah, that explained the water dumping itself on one side. So, on my list of a thousand and one things to do before hitting the road southbound, I need to replace or have repaired, whichever is easy and efficient. Now, back to the rest of the story, since, although it may be hard to believe, it's not all about Ruby. 
There's always so much work to do in the haunted house before returning to the Southern Comfort home. Remember this, if you live in an antique money pit, it’s always something — KA-CHING!  This past spring and summer, I decided to take one room and give it a face lift. That room, my favorite place, the kitchen, needed fresh paint, and flooring and additional shelving.
I did the painting and am very happy with it. However, I started scraping up old flooring to prepare for new covering, and that task isn’t so easy. It requires moving heavy appliances, a commercial stove, refrigerator and something that irks the crap outta me ... a washing machine!
“WebWitch, why do you have a washing machine in your kitchen? It takes up room and is, well, ugly.  ”
You are so right! I’ve considered the whole “ugly thing” but it was the most convenient place for the washing machine, since the laundry room used to be a former side porch that was remodeled as an addition of space off the kitchen, with existing hook-ups for laundry. It had been “done” by previous owners. However, “done” is not the correct word. It had insulation and cheap paneling over the walls. The ceiling was exposed insulation, to be finished with a real ceiling by the new owners.
When you have many rooms that “show” to work on, you begin in the main part of the house, on the first floor, with a front door that opens up to your world, and place the washer in a temporary spot until the rooms that are seen from the front door are presentable.  I began the project of stripping wallpaper in the entryway first and found that the wall paper was actually holding up sections of plaster. I patched the plaster the best I could, or removed sections and placed wall-board in those areas. My plan was to save more of the original plaster work from another century, and I don’t mean the last one.
The fact is, following years of remodeling, upgrading plumbing and electrical, I sort of decided to live with the washer in the kitchen, a little while longer, rather than finishing the so-called laundry room. The washing machine probably wouldn't have bothered me so much if it was contained within some sort of closet in the kitchen, but space was at a premium, and there was no feasible work around space to add a wall with doors to hide it. The delay of finishing the laundry room became a nightmare that would end with an historic tale of a tail in our little hamlet. The infamous unfinished room, to add insult to injury, had been violently attacked by a squirrel, who proceeded to rob the ceiling of its insulation, a little bit at a time. At first it was unnoticeable, as there was plastic sheeting over the insulation. I have no idea how long that critter was stealing fiberglass to build its nest, but one day the truth appeared.
I went inside to change the laundry from the washer to the dryer. I looked up to the ceiling because I thought I heard something scratching, and saw a face staring down at me! It was a rodent face -- a furry-tailed rodent face.  I grabbed for the large leaf-sweeping broom, stored in that room from Hades, and poked the handle where the squirrel was situated. After the "poke" and a few harsh words, the demon ran off to some unknown, portal to freedom. I took a better look at the ceiling and saw that many spots looked “bald” and disheveled where insulation used to lay evenly. A lesson we should all learn — look up, often. You never know what's going on overhead.
Knowledge, now on my side, I beeped my husband’s pager, you know, those things used before cell phones. He called me back and I asked him to bring home a large rat trap to catch a damaging demon squirrel. That evening he said we'd get the trap the next day when we did a "Costco experience," because there was a Home Depot next door. He looked inside the laundry room an didn't see anything disturbed that evening, and doubted any more squirrel drama would take place, at least until another day when a trap would be set.
All was quiet that night. The next day was Saturday, and we took a trip to Costco to make our purchases of things that come in gigantic boxes and tubs, to get a half a year’s supplies of paper goods and laundry products — not to mention a year’s supply of shampoo!  And then next door in the parking lot, we picked up the large rodent trap. 
When we returned home, hubby went to deposit the 5 gallon bucket of laundry soap in the laundry room. Suddenly, while unpacking a box-load of whatevers, I heard a yelp and the sound of a door slamming. I entered the kitchen, saw my husband with his back against the laundry room door, and knew from the look on his face what happened.
“You came in contact with the squirrel you thought doesn’t exist, just yesterday, but bought a trap today just to appease me, right?” 
Yes, folks, that’s what happened. The squirrel breached the plastic layer and jumped right near my husband when he entered the laundry room. The now prepared, former disbeliever, did his manly duties of rodent removal. Wearing hat, gloves and carrying the trap in one hand and a can of Lysol in the other, should that beast attack him, again, he set down the peanut butter baited trap. Peanut butter being irresistible to rodent-types, we were confident that the little bushy-tailed terror would meet its doom, in the darkness of night and gloom. (That’s me being all poetic and stuff. )
At about 2:00 a.m. I heard a high-pitched screech. My mind thought of what it could be, and then told myself, must be the squirrel found the bait! I was going back to sleep and the last thought on my mind was, “why did I hear a yell?” Traps like that are fast and efficient. The rodent doesn’t know what hit it, so no time to screech.
The next day, my husband headed down to the laundry room to throw in a load of laundry. I smelled coffee and came down stairs soon after.
“WW, come here, and see this!”
He opened the laundry room door and pointed toward the skylight window, where we placed a fly sticky-paper strip. I did a double-take look at it and burst out laughing. Wrapped around the strip was a full fur covering. There was no squirrel in sight, the trap never touched.
Evidently, the demon creature leapt from whatever rafter to try to get to the yummy peanut butter scent, but its tail came across the pest strip in that leap. The screech I heard was the rodent from hell’s gate, in an attempt to free itself from the sticky stuff, in essence, a tail wax-job resulted. 
That squirrel never returned, the hole in the siding of the house was found and patched, and all was well at the money pit for a while. The lack of insulation due to that beast cause freezing problems around the wall of the washing machine, causing computer chips to die off, and have to be replaced at a ridiculous cost, because it was a newer to the market at the time, Maytag front loading, washing machine. After having to do that three times during a winter, the machine got moved into the kitchen, where my husband could connect it to the plumbing available there. However, it has been seen running around the local library grounds. The demon rodent got named by the locals who marveled at its lack of bushy-tail. They dubbed it "Stubs."
As for the washing machine, it has not moved from that spot. Actually it has been twice replaced since then. I finally decided on an old fashioned dependable top loading washer where the front door never bursts open flooding my kitchen, again. And that’s why I have an ugly washing machine in my kitchen, which has to be moved so my flooring project can continue. However, I’ve received a little reprieve from that since, other projects have demanded attention. Continuing my summer, 2018 ...
You may have noticed my rants on the Newsfeed about my extreme to intermittent internet issues. If not, you’ve been lucky, because it had been a problem for most of the summer. Finally, Verizon decided that the outside line for my internet needed to be changed. It was getting pretty corroded from years of storms including a major ice storm and a couple hurricanes. That work was done about three weeks ago. Thinking life would return to normal with getting online, I find my router crapping out. I bought a new one, and expected that to make a big difference. It was these past few weeks of still having spotty internet connections, slow streaming and a myriad of other online loss of services that my son told me the inside lines would probably need change to accommodate the new outside line’s abilities. He did that for me before September wound down. 
I can now say, I’m back at a more regular pace. However, my half-pulled-up kitchen flooring stares me down, each time I look at it. Hey, it’s foliage time and we all know what that means, right? It means it’s time to pack it in, get the house prepared to close-up for the winter and head South! Plus, Halloween is soon to be upon us, and that’s a WebWitch's happy time. 
It’s a wrap for this edition of the Comedy Newsletter. I’ll be back to haunt you, again on Halloween! Yes, you get me twice this month! Please remember to put on your Halloween Handle and also, nominate other member's handle over at "The Witch's Garden " .
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
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Cramp Winner: Steven gets money from the ATM when his friend Dale corrects his grammar.
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And a no-pest strip! (Aww, I couldn't resist)
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Feedback from "Comedy Newsletter (September 5, 2018)"
Via email:
Whata SpoonStealer 
This was really funny! This is how I tell a story. Only not as funny. Because by the time you get thru political correctness, the gist of the story is just gone. But you hung on there. The only story i ever wrote that could be considered funny was my true story of someone pooping all over my bathroom. Might indicate a lack of frivolity in my life 
Thanks for all the fish, Webby! 10 years
I read that story, so am familiar with your messy guest.  Thank you for your feedback, Adrian, I'm happy you enjoyed teh Newsie.
Quick-Quill 
Old story but just as funny as the first time I read it. Our lives have a way of becoming a comedy routine whether we like it or not. I've been traveling with my husband and I watch people in the airports. from old people falling asleep and missing their boarding que to high maintenance people who have to get on first. We are a diverse people.
We are, indeed a diverse people. And, yes, at least in my life — it tends to become a comedy more often than I can even laugh at. But, we just have to roll with the laughs in life!
River
You crack me up. 
It wasn't my fault — I swear!!!
Elfin Dragon-finally published
I remember this story, told to me by some nondescript person some time ago. Maybe it was my dad? Who knows. But I like the way you told it better. Much funnier.
"told to me by some nondescript person" Love it! Your response made me laugh. Thank you for that!
Monty 
How different ways can one say something without a chuckle even if they are the writer. I felt so sorry for the subject being shot in the head by a poppin' fresh roll. Next time put them in the cooler 
You are such a kind and caring man feeling so sorry for the nondescript person who got popped in the head by her dinner rolls. Chivalry is alive and well and living in Vermont!
Thank you, sweet man! 
Warped Sanity 
I've heard this joke before, but I like your version better. The attempts at political correctness made it a lot funnier.
Thank you, Angela. I'm delighted you enjoyed my highly PC, unoffensive version of this joke. I aim to please, although I couldn't aim as well as those Poppin' Fresh rolls aimed at the nondescript person's, person.
papadoc1
WOW, Webby Witch, you are getting UP there alright! TEN YEARS OF DOING THIS COMEDY NL thang, all without let up! I wonder if somehow I gave you enough fodder for the next 240 months? Or will you continue to pick on blondes - oops, I mean non-descript, generic people with mousey mousey hair? Right. I saw this plot arriving A LONG TIME AGO. Sure thing. In fact, you could take that for another 10 years, that entire line of cheek-around-tongue manner of speaking. I so LOVE when you make politically incorrect language appear to be politically correct language. GREAT NL by the way! We might start calling you Cal one of these days, reminding us all how great a player Cal Ripkin was!! Bye for now!!
Thank you — I think. No, really, thank you for supplying a lotta fodder. 
Christopher Roy Denton 
Hi, Webby!
Thanks for plugging my story, Samantha's Pet! 
You are most welcome, Robert!
See you on Halloween, folks! Yes, my next Comedy Newsletter is on Halloween. Bewitching, is it not?
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