 Comedy: June 13, 2018 Issue [#8949] |
  Comedy
This week: Webbie's Final Repose? Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ  
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Hello folks! It is I, WebWitch, back in my Northern Command Center in the cozy hills of New England. |
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I hope you are enjoying the sunshine of June and the start of summer, soon to arrive here in the Northern Hemisphere. Although I must admit, we’ve had some chilly-damp June days.
Before heading out on the road, I usually spend lots of time packing and keeping things safely stored in the South, which includes having bins for clean linens upon return. It takes a bit of mathematical planning, (I know, WW doesn’t do math) to calculate the weeks and days of winding down the contents of the fridge and freezer. I pride myself in not having to dispose of any frozen food that has yet to be made into a meal. By the time the last couple days before the move arrive, I have just enough food for those suppers.
On the day before travel, Web-Lock convinced me to take a break from packing and go out for a brunch-lunch. He was in the mood for waffles, so off to IHOP, we went.
It was wonderful to sit down and wait for someone to serve us the fuel for the strength and energy required to ready ourselves for travel.
I had my menu in hand. I glanced at the breakfast menu, and nothing seemed to appeal to me. Probably because I didn’t want to load up with carbs, had recently made an omelet at home a day or so before, thus, the lunch menu appeared more tantalizing at the moment.
“Oh, this sounds good, WL. I think I’m going to order the bacon cheeseburger with swiss cheese. Perfect for my appetite, today. “
“Sounds great Webbie. I’m getting a bit of both worlds, chicken fingers and waffles!”
We awaited our server to take our order -- and then, at that moment something very odd happened.
“What happened to her, sir?”
“I have no idea, nurse. She took a couple bites of a bacon cheese burger and then this!”
“Sir, was there any lettuce on the burger?”
“Yes, I believe it came with all the stuff I cannot stand, tomato slice and lettuce. If you ask me, it’s a perfectly lousy way to ruin a burger. Those fillers slide all around while you try to take a bite. And the tomato? Well that’s just too gushy for my taste buds.”
“Sir, the reason I’m asking is that there has been a nationwide warning about Romaine lettuce. It appears that some of the lettuce that got into the food chain has been found to be contaminated with E. coli, which acts as a poison in food that has not been heated to a certain temperature. Thus, even cleaning the lettuce won’t help, because the lettuce is served raw. It appears that Webbie has consumed the poison. We fear for her, as she is a certain age, has had double hip-implants, and suffers from terrible allergies. Her immune system has been greatly compromised.”
“May I see her, at least for one last time before she leaves this world?” 
“Of course, sir. She is on life support right now, but I’m sure your voice will somehow reach her nearly brain-dead mind, and give her the comfort she needs to let go. And, perhaps we can salvage something she hasn’t killed by being poisoned and allow it to be donated to a healthier, younger person. Her corneas for example. ” 
“You want to take her eyes? But she’s not even cold, yet. Can’t you do anything more for her?”
“Sorry, I totally understand your emotions at this moment, but rather than wasting time talking to me, you should say goodbye to Webbie. Our surgical team is on standby and will need to get to those eyes asap. Just sayin’ sir.” 
Preacher: “We are gathered here not just to celebrate the life of Webbie, but to help each other say farewell as she heads off to her final repose. Does anyone have any words they’d like to say about Webbie?”
“I do! I do!”
Friend # 1: “She was loving, kind and generous. She’ll be missed.”
Friend # 2: “Webbie was a real hoot! She made me laugh. 
Friend # 3: “Well, don’t forget what a great cook she was. I already miss her baked eggplant Parmesan! Dang her for dying on us like this!”
All friends chime In: “Hear, hear, yes, you are so right! What a totally selfish act by her, taking a chance eating Romaine lettuce after all those warnings were issued. This was certainly an act of hostility on her part. We needed her and she never gave us a second thought when she bit into that juicy, tasty cheeseburger!”
Web-Lock: “Whoa, wait a minute. This is supposed to be a memorial celebrating Webbie’s life. What sort of friends would only think of the stuff you can’t get from her, anymore? Okay, yeah, I understand she really knew her way around the kitchen, and could write, sketch, take gorgeous photographs, and other creative things. She could also paint walls, and even change an old lamp’s socket! I’ve seen her do it, myself...”
Oh, yum! Bacon cheeseburger, bacon cheeseburger with Swiss cheese and tomato and ...
“WebWitch? Hey, Webbie, do you know what you want, yet? I’ve already given Janet my order.”
“Oh, yes, I faded off for just a moment. Of course. Yes, I’m ready to order, Janet. I’ll have a bacon cheeseburger with Swiss cheese on top.”
“Thank you, Webbie. Will that be all?”
“Uhhh--no. Could you make sure to hold the lettuce, please?”
That’s all she offered for consumption in this edition of the Comedy Newsletter!
P.S. This burger was consumed prior to the recent advertising of a name change from IHOP to IHOB. Just sayin' am I a trend starter or what?!!! 
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
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Christopher Roy Denton 
Hey, Witchy! Thank you so much for plugging my poem in your wonderful Comedy Newsletter. (So, so sorry to hear about Ruby's mechanic!!!  )
 You're welcome, Robert. Thanks for the feedback, and the kind words about Ruby's mechanic. 
River 
You had me on the edge of my seat with worry about Ruby. Poor girl, she needs her belly rubbed with anti-rust stuff before she spends too much time up north. Please, keep her healthy so she can be reunited with Bill next winter. 
Thank you, River. I will do my very best to keep her healthy until she can reunite with Bill.
Monty 
It's funny Web Witch. Oh is that what you was trying for?
Moi? Funny? Hmmm, I guess that works for me! Thank you, sweet man! 
Thank you for your feedback, folks! Newsletter editors really appreciate it. 
See you next time.
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