 Spiritual: December 20, 2017 Issue [#8654] |
  Spiritual
This week: I'm Sorry Edited by: Shannon  
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Welcome to the Spiritual Newsletter. My name is Shannon and I'm your editor this week. |
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"A genuine apology can be deeply healing, while the failure to listen well and apologize can sometimes lead to the loss of a relationship." ~ Harriet Lerner, PH.D
I know a woman who was in an abusive relationship for years. Throughout that marriage she apologized for anything and everything, much of which was not her fault, just to keep the peace and redirect the abuser's attention. Her husband was eventually arrested, imprisoned, and they divorced.
Years later she was a completely different woman in a new relationship. She was strong, independent, and she didn't take any guff from anyone. She'd assumed the stance of an unapologetic, impenetrable hardass. She was done apologizing. Her kindness had been taken advantage of and she wasn't going to let anyone make her feel like that again: vulnerable, weak, less than.
The problem was that there were legitimate things she should have apologized for--hurtful comments and behaviors that she knew were wrong, but she just couldn't bring herself to say "I'm sorry." Finally, after several years of this, her new man brought it up in the heat of an argument. "You never apologize!" he said. "I always admit when I screw up, always come groveling back with my tail between my legs, but not you. God forbid you should ever admit you made a mistake!"
She knew he was right, and she admitted to me that she'd wanted to apologize many times even as the destructive remarks spewed from her lips, but she just could not bring herself to do it. The next time they got into an argument she mustered the courage to say, "I apologize for what I just said. I didn't mean it," to which he responded, "Is that your lame-ass way of saying you're sorry?"
And that was the end of that. For whatever reason, saying "I apologize" was easier for her than saying "I'm sorry," and she was brave to step up to the plate and admit she was wrong, but his response squashed what remained of her tenderness and she never apologized again.
Genuine apologies are intrepid and practiced. In her book Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts, Harriet Lerner, PH.D says, "More than anything, the hurt party wants to hear an apology that is heartfelt. When 'but' is tagged onto an apology, it undoes the sincerity. Watch out for this sneaky little add-on. It almost always signals an excuse or cancels out the original message. It doesn't matter if the statement you make after the 'but' is true; it makes the apology false. It says, in effect, given the whole situation, my rudeness (or lateness or sarcastic tone or what have you) is pretty understandable."
"I'm sorry I snapped at you, but you were being obnoxious and someone needed to bring that to your attention." WRONG!
"I'm sorry I snapped at you. There's no excuse for what I said, and I'm so sorry that I hurt your feelings." RIGHT!
Notice the difference? The first example completely absolves the snapper of her behavior by saying it was the snapee's fault he was snapped at in the first place. It also allows the snapper to get in one last insult. Perhaps he was being obnoxious, but that doesn't give her the right to be rude and hurtful. The two behaviors are independent of each other and each person is accountable for their own actions.
"A true apology keeps the focus on your actions and not on the other person's response." ~ Harriet Lerner, PH.D
Have you ever witnessed someone deliver a sexist/racist punchline then turn around and say "I'm sorry you were offended by my joke"? This is what Dr. Lerner would call a pseudo-apology: "A false, blame-reversing apology is worse than no apology because it repeats and deepens the insensitivity." It's a way for us to "slither away from taking responsibility by apologizing for the other person's feelings rather than for a specific behavior on our part. There is no accountability here. You may get to feel good about yourself for taking the moral high ground (you've apologized), while really you've shifted the responsibility to the other person. You're saying, in effect, I'm sorry that you overreacted to my perfectly reasonable comments."
Apologizing makes us uncomfortable. We feel vulnerable--as if a giant spotlight were shining down on our heads, but saying "I'm sorry" heals and maintains open lines of communication.
While "but" is a dead giveaway that your apology needs to be reworded in a way that doesn't excuse your behavior, another red-flag word is "if". A real apology doesn't include the word "if". Example: "I'm sorry if my comment offended you." This is a non-apology. Instead, Dr. Lerner recommends saying "The comment I made was offensive. I'm sorry I was insensitive, and I want you to know that it won't happen again."
The difference between these two statements is huge, and so are the repercussions.
If you haven't already read the book, I highly recommend Harriet Lerner's Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts. Learn how to deliver a heartfelt apology and your relationships will prosper.
Thank you for reading, and Merry Christmas. 
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I hope you enjoy this week's featured selections. I occasionally feature static items by members who are no longer with us; some have passed away while others simply aren't active members. Their absence doesn't render their work any less relevant, and if it fits the week's topic I will include it.
Thank you, and have a great week!
| |  | Dear Dad (E)
DAYS universe. Written for my dad when I couldn't find the words to apologize.
#2140177 by Tom Mooney   |
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The following is in response to "Pray" :
shepherd46 writes: Shannon, I loved reading your piece on prayer. Prayer is such a mighty and wonderful thing to do. Your words are a wonderful reminder of what is important in life and how prayer can be such as blessing.
God Bless,
Toni
Thank you, Toni. I'm glad you liked it. 
BradJShaw âš“ writes: In the third paragraph of your article...you ask..."What good can prayer do?" it sounds to me like you yourself already knows what good prayer can do, but you are trying to show others. Let me help you by offering this: I saw a woman, in the later years of her life (she is gone on to be with the Lord now) GET CURED FROM CANCER because we ALL in that church prayed. We prayed every Sunday, we prayed every day...we prayed & didn't stop praying. AND for the skeptics...this just wasn't any first stage curable wimpy cancer...NO! This was 3rd stage cancer that if she didn't get immediate treatment...it was steadily headed for stage four incurable. After we prayed the cancer off of her...she lived another ten or twelve years before her passing. And she didn't die of cancer, she died of old age, just wore out. This IS a true story, I witnessed everything here I wrote about with my own eyes.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I've heard many similar stories, and they're all great reminders of the power of prayer. 
Quick-Quill  writes: The word of God in the Bible is true. While many do not want to believe, it's been a sound doctrine since the beginning of time. We now have a museum dedicated to the Bible and where it stands in the world of history and democracy through the ages. Along with this is the power of prayer. The act of talking to the creator. He has admonished that the prayer of the righteous is powerful. Our prayers of thankfulness for His provision, His grace and salvation are a sweet savory to heaven. Belief in Him and being grateful is part of our ingrained nature. Give into it and you will be blessed. You can't outgive God.
Yes! Thank you for reading and commenting. 
komall writes: Well said!
Thank you! 
Jeff  writes: Great NL this week, Shannon! Gratitude is an important posture that, religious or not, I think a lot of us could do a lot better with. We live in a culture that constantly tries to convince us that we don't have enough; that we should want more, buy more, be envious of those with more. It's important to take a step back sometimes and re-orient ourselves. I think most of us, if we really examine our lives, can find plenty of blessings to be grateful for.
Absolutely agree, Jeff. Thank you, my friend. 
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