 Comedy: November 15, 2017 Issue [#8601] |
  Comedy
This week: Power! Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
-Abraham Lincoln
Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.
-Edgar Allan Poe
The power of imagination makes us infinite.
-John Muir |
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Some years ago, I got a letter from my power company. I knew it wasn't a bill, so it had to be an ad, but I was bored so I opened it anyway.
The gist of the ad flyer was this: Buy our whole-house generator so you have power in the event of an outage!
I flung the ad away, shocked. Shocked, I tell you. Your job, Power Company, is to make sure I never freaking need a generator! I'm sure as hell not going to PAY you for being incompetent.
To be fair, they're not actually incompetent. I can rely on my power over 99% of the time.
The problem is, the other 1% of the time, I'm left without internet. To me, this is like being without water or air: I simply can't survive long. And battery backups are good for about an hour, while the average outage lasts over three hours. The math just doesn't work. And one time, a hurricane blew through here. I'm pretty far inland, so we don't get those too often, but this one knocked out power for nearly a week. Fortunately, I'd spent most of that week in oddly hurricane-free Myrtle Beach, so all I had to deal with was the rotten food in the fridge, which is business as usual.
Well, when I got that long-ago ad from the power company, I wasn't in a position to afford such a generator. But now, having been narrowly missed by at least two hurricanes this season, I decided: I want infinite power. I need infinite power. As I am not an immortal being with a big chin and an Infinity Gauntlet, the closest I can get is getting a home generator installed.
But not from the power company. Those guys are the problem, not the solution. I went with a private contractor.
So, now, they've hooked my infinite power supply to the city's natural gas lines. Next time the power goes out: Fwoosh! Lights and internet while my stone-age neighbors are blundering about with torches.
Now I just need to figure out how to avoid abusing my newfound power...
On second thought, nahhh. |
Words have power. Here are some:
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Last time, in "Cooking with Comedy" , I talked about trying to eat healthy meals.
River  : Hilarious, and I can identify.
Yeah, I figure almost everyone eats, so at least some readers would relate.
Mummsy  : Carrying a stack of pizzas could be considered exercise . . . especially if you have an obstacle course involving kitties winding around and between your legs while doing so.
That's also a way to set up some comedy gold.
BIG BAD WOLF Feeling Thankful  : Sometimes weightless takes a while - lost 30 pounds over the last two years, at about a pound per month. For instance, having a small pop instead of a large (and not getting the refill), or even a water instead, can help you. Or, if you go to a buffet, start off with something like a Spring Mix salad, which has 3-5 different varieties of lettuce and spinach mixed together with several different colors and shapes, which I find more appealing than just the generic salad mix of iceberg lettuce, and sliced carrots and red cabbage, although I'll include that. Then it's just being smart about what you want.
Yeah, I never drink that kind of soda anymore. It's all Coke Zero for me. Unfortunately, no one makes diet beer. As for buffets, no, me and buffets don't get along.
justsonali: This was an amazing newsletter!
[SUBMITTED ITEM: "Invalid Item" ]
Thanks, and thanks for the submission!
dragonwoman : Have to say I'm with you, Robert! But as a diabetic with gastroparesis I can't eat a stack of pizzas anymore. Restricted to only cooked foods and fighting my overwhelming desire for carb overload, I don't eat much take out, delivery or restaurant food anymore.
Hope you have it under control - I, too, have a thing for carbs. To me, bread is the only true food, and everything else is only there to add flavor. This can be a problem.
That's it for me for November - see you next month! Until then,
LAUGH ON!!! |
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