 Comedy: June 14, 2017 Issue [#8333] |
  Comedy
This week: Restore Ruby! Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥmas  
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We last left off with the heart-wrenching plans for Ruby’s final resting place. To say it was an emotional time doesn’t even come close to describing the sadness I felt about letting my beloved SUV end up in the scrap yard. |
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Excerpt from my last Comedy Newsletter:
Later that night, I tossed and turned, my sleep flitting in and out. Then, the horror of it all came to me in a dream. I was in Ruby’s back seat, because, I was her “captain” and I would not let her go down, alone. I realized I was in the junk yard, and the “crusher” was working its way down onto Ruby. I heard the metal cracking under the weight and the roof of the car coming closer to me, now lying on the floor of the car. At the point the windows blew out, I realized I needed to save my own life. After all, it was too late for Ruby, and Web-Lock would never forgive me for leaving him behind over some leather and steel. I crawled out of the window just as the “crusher” was coming down for the final kill-shot.
I woke up in a sweat, folks. Perhaps it was because of the near death escape, or because it was 88 degrees and my air conditioner was set too high with the sun beating on the tin can, but sweating, nevertheless.
I ran to the phone, dialed the mechanic and yelled-out, “Stop the Pressers! I have a plan!”
The mechanic was all ears, awaiting my response about the removal of Ruby from her life support.
“What have you decided to do, WebWitch?”
“I want my Ruby back -- Ruby back. Do you understand? I want my Ruby back. I want you to do whatever it takes to get her up and running and her bottom to keep from falling out. Is that possible? I mean, I don’t need or want a pretty car, I just want a safe one.”
“I understand dear. I can do that if that’s what you want. It will take time, so I must keep Ruby for a few weeks, until I can find the right junkyarrr--ahhh, I mean right parts distributor to get me the most complete front and rear suspension parts and turbo for the engine. You understand that it is much more economical if I can get as many whole parts from one place, rather than piecemeal orders of parts? Which reminds me ... If I knew about Ruby a week ago, I had an exact model of her here. The guy blew the engine, but the rest of the car was in prime health. It had no rust at all, because it was always in Florida -- no salt, no rust. He didn’t want it fixed, so I sold it for scrap. Maybe I can call and see if it’s been crushed, yet.”
“Wow, so you think if we can get it back, we can take all the parts we need for Ruby?”
“No, I was thinking we’d drop Ruby’s engine in that car and you’d have an almost new Ruby. Let me call and see if it’s still available.”
 Crickets chirping here for added impact
“Hello, yes, Bill, were you able to get the other Volvo back from the junker?”
“No, sorry, dear, the junkman decided to keep it for himself. He dropped an engine in her and she is working fine. But don’t worry, we’ll find a reputable scrap yard and get the parts we need. Keep in touch with me a couple times per week because my office manager is away and I am lost with all this paperwork and computer stuff. I will get right on the phone and check with my go-to, junk---uhmmm, I mean parts expert.”
I called at least once each week for over a month to check on the progress of Ruby’s would-be prosthetics, but only the rear end could be salvaged. Yup, it seems that when a car reaches the junk yard, the rear end and other viable parts are pulled from the car and the rest of it is crushed.
Finally, one rainy Monday afternoon, I receive a phone call.
“WW, it seems that the parts that were promised to be viable, and delivered to me last Friday, were unacceptable. So much for so-called reputable dealers of parts.”
“So, what’s that mean? Ruby can’t be fixed?”
“No, not at all. In fact I was on the phone five hours with Ruby.”
“Ruby talks on the phone?”
“Very funny dear. No I mean trying to find a parts place with the front end we need for Ruby. I think we may have found it. My son went to Georgia today to take a look at the needed parts and he will have them hoist the junked Volvo up so he can look underneath and send me pictures on the cell phone to be sure it’s salvageable. This Volvo is in good shape, low mileage, transmission blew, but we are only concerned with the underbelly of this car. I should know more by tomorrow. If the parts are good, my son will tow it back to Florida to his shop, and I’ll rent a U-Haul and pull it back to our town.”
Five hours on the phone, son’s travel expenses, towing from Georgia, then to son’s garage in Northern Florida, then towed again to South Florida ... Ka-chinggggggg!!!
“Ohhh, Okay, I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Talk to you, soon. ”
No car, no car, have no car. Monsoon season has started. It’s been raining everyday for a week, with no end in sight. Why Ruby? Why can’t we find the right donor car for you? It’s been weeks, and even though you are on the car-parts donors’ list, we’ve had no luck putting you back together, again.
Again, my night became restless, drifting in and out of sleep, I fell into a dream. There was sunlight, dazzling, just beyond my reach, though. The more I walked down that road toward it, the further the sunlight got. I turned around and there was a wall of rain catching up to me. I ran faster, toward the beautiful rainbow ahead of me. Then it donned on me, I’ve seen this scene somewhere, somewhere before -- somewhere ... Over the rainbow! Yes, then I knew what I had to do! I looked down at my feet, while standing on the yellow brick road, clapped my Ruby shoes together, and said ... There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home ...
Well, folks, Ruby has not been taken off life support, yet. We continue to search and wait for the SUV match, that has managed to keep its underbelly in tact, and hopefully by the time my next Comedy Newsletter is due, Ruby, WL and I, will be back in the Northern Command Center, safe and secure.
Stay tuned ... I know, it’s riveting, isn’t it? 
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
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The story of Ruby continues, as many concerned readers commented on last month's Comedy Newsletter, "Comedy Newsletter (May 17, 2017)" . At Newsletter deadline, this is a continuing saga. Thank you for all your questions and good wishes:
the Wordy Jay 
LOL!  What a tease you are -- making us wait till the next newsletter for Ruby's story! *shakes fists indignantly*
Elfycia Lee ☮ 
What? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo! No cliff-hanger endings. Surely you can place Ruby in your garden and let her be part of your garden? You can sit in and it is a good place to read. Oh myyyyyyyyyy..... Noooooooooo.......  You can't do this to me. You can't. When is your next issue coming out? 
 Wait, there's more ...
ladeecaid
I have to wait a whole month? Exactly what date with your next newsletter come out? I need to put this on my calendar, so I can find out what happens to Ruby. This is as bad as waiting for The Walking Dead to come back.
6/14 ... now and to be continued on 7/28. 
Whata SpoonStealer 
So that's who Ruby is! Too funny Webby. Can't wait to hear the plan 
Yup!
LJPC - the tortoise
Hi WW! Oh, poor Ruby. I lived in Indiana & then Mass. for many years and my cars didn't go kaput from snow after 12 yrs. In fact, the cars I bought were usually over 10 yrs old to begin with! My cars always went kaput from their engines blowing up. (I blew the engine in my mom's car too. Oops.) I hope your "Save Ruby" plan works!
~ Laura
  
Quick-Quill 
I await Ruby's story with baited breath. Carry on.
papadoc1
I must say, Webbie, the very IDEA of you going down with the ship was disconcerting enough....but then again, I DID think that perhaps you SO LOVE Ruby's Italian Leather seats that you just wanted to give it a "Test Dream Sequence"?
Altogether, I must say - Ruby has been a FINE, FINE Hoss all these years....and I would surely HATE to miss out on her ride. We all would. So....I cannot wait for your next installment, to find out what you have in mind for the family vehicle!!!
 ...
Thank you for your feedback, folks. We editors really appreciate it!
See you next month.
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