  Comedy
This week: Fool Me Once... Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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I guess when I was a kid I wasn't the type of person playing a lot of pranks. I was the type of person upon whom pranks were pulled.
-Scott Aukerman
I was raised in a family where no one had a serious bone in their body and every answer was a riddle, a joke, or a prank.
-James Brolin
At a time when the GOP is playing games with the debt limit, a member of the Supreme Court is refusing to recuse himself from matters he has a financial interest in, and middle class incomes are stagnant, many want to change the subject. I don't. This was a prank, and a silly one. I'm focused on my work.
-Anthony Weiner*
*Note: Not trying to get political here, but if you remember anything at all about Anthony Weiner, it's that he was focused on something, but it wasn't his work. |
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Ah. Another April Fools' Day come and gone, and this year, I made it all the way through April 1 without being tricked, pranked, joked, folded, spindled, or mutilated.
I considered that a win.
So I went to sleep just after midnight (having forced myself to stay awake lest someone sneak in and pour shaving cream into my bed), secure in the knowledge that I'd succeeded in fooling the fools.
Imagine my shock, horror and disgust when I woke up on the morning of April 2. A fine spring day; the sky was a clear blue, a warm breeze wafted through my open window, the birds were tweeting and Donald Trump wasn't. Okay, that's not the shock, horror, or disgust part. I'm getting to that.
Refreshed from a full night's sleep, I put on my silk bathrobe and proceeded to the bathroom for my monthly shower - and promptly discovered that my bedroom door was stuck shut.
Dammit.
Overnight, someone had glued the door to its frame. Ha ha. Very funny.
I retrieved the crowbar from under my bed, and made short work of the glue, the door, and the frame. Satisfied that the prankster hadn't gotten the best of me, I headed for the bathroom, disrobed, stepped into the shower, and turned it on - and got blasted by the kool-aid some practical joker had slipped into the plumbing.
Not just any kool-aid, either. The cherry kind. The kind that doesn't wash out of anything.
As I was trying to wash the unwashable from my hair and skin, I felt a sudden chill - not only had they messed with the shower, but they'd turned off the hot water so I'd end up scrubbing cherry dye from myself under a frigid shower.
Joke's on them. I simply turned off the hot water, and used someone else's towel to dry off. My hair was a bright red, sure, but who doesn't love a guy with red hair, right?
Still in a foul mood from these pranks, I dressed and moseyed into the kitchen with some trepidation concerning what I might find there. Flour over everything? Sugar in the salt shaker? But all seemed in order. Very neat. Very clean.
TOO clean. No one in my household ever cleans anything.
Watching out for tripwires, I cautiously opened the refrigerator door. No snakes jumped out at me, so I relaxed and grabbed my morning beer. Popping the top, I took a long, deep guzzle - and dashed to the sink to spit out the water with which someone had replaced my beer.
"TOO FAR!" I shouted to the household. "April Fools' Day is over! And you don't mess with my BEER!"
I wasn't sure if I heard a chuckle or not.
"Screw this, I'm going out," I said to no one and everyone. After all, I had to replace my beer.
The walk to my car, parked on the street, could have been fraught with many further dangers. Rakes for an unwary foot. Banana peels. Skateboards. Spiders. I picked my way slowly, carefully, watching for any little thing that might be out of place.
Joke was on me, though; I made it to the car without incident, and it started without exploding, making horrendous noises, or belching purple smoke.
But when I got to the grocery store, I finally realized the lengths to which my unknown prankster would go: the entire beer section was gone, replaced by a display of various kinds of Pepsi.
I hate Pepsi.
But wait, I thought. Why would someone do this to me? That's when I realized I wasn't awake at all, but dreaming. This was confirmed as I realized I'd forgotten to put on my pants. My last thought in the dream was, "Not again..."
I woke in a cold sweat. The world outside my window was gray and dismal, though I still felt relief that I'd actually managed to avoid being pranked. I headed for the bathroom...
...and couldn't open the door. |
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Comedy: April 05, 2017 Issue [#8216]
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I thought this was comedy, not PUNishment 
Well done ...
