 Comedy: December 21, 2005 Issue [#775] |
  Comedy
This week: Edited by: Mavis Moog  
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2. A Word from our Sponsor
3. Letter from the Editor
4. Editor's Picks
5. A Word from Writing.Com
6. Ask & Answer
7. Removal instructions
| Let's bring a little joy and humour to the world. Surely everyone loves to laugh. Here you'll find plenty to laugh at. |
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Do you have a bio block like this? I don't want you to take offence, but have you thought about what "Bio" means? It's short for biography.
Those sweet people who write bio-blocks like this, can't know how spitting mad they make me. I don't go into shops which have nothing in the window but enigmatic notices which leave me guessing what sort of shop it is. I might find myself in all sorts of unsavoury places if I did.
The Bio-block is our chance to set out our stall. A little information about your life, ambitions, home and bank account number speaks volumes and will do far more to attract readers. No, I'm joking about the bank account numbers, but many a true word spoken in jest. Do writers worry that if they give away too much information about themselves, they will be open to having their identity stolen? Fear no more - many of these darling little bio-blocks front portfolios crammed pack full with personal details. If the information is safe there, why not put a little bit in the shop window?
This mini-rant is by way of introduction to my subject. There are some Bio-blocks on this site which may commit the crime of not being very informative, but they make me howl with laughter. I often read a portfolio because a witty bio-block has drawn me in. Describing your portfolio as a cosy reading room with cookies and hot chocolate on offer is not funny, it is hackneyed and coy.
One of my favourite bio-blocks was written by andrew it simply said:
Look into my
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
You love everything you read here
and
you want to give me all your gift points.
This week I came across another bio-block which tickled my funny bone. It was this one by NegaScout
"I'm a little purple alien with flunny bunny ears and a lizard's tail. In my spare time I enjoy planning the downfall of the desert weasel and miming "Jeopardy" answers at my television screen. I recently led the first successful expedition to the West Pole, and I'm most famous for inventing disposable razor blades in 1958. I look forward to writing a few stories, but please go easy on me as I'm new to your planet, and haven't figured out how to keep my underwear from riding up."
Although this doesn't give us much true information about the author (I hope), it made me laugh and I went on to read and review one of the stories I found there.
So remember, comedy doesn't have to be saved for your stories and poems, use it to decorate your portfolio window.
Let's hear it for funny Bio blocks.
Jokes
Here in Britain, we have a tradition of pulling Christmas crackers at the dinner table. They make an explosive noise as you pull them and contain paper hats, novelty gifts and jokes. The jokes are always the corniest nonsense imaginable, but somehow we all laugh at them. I will give you a selecton of the best cracker jokes next month.
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A Christmas Cracker
Please submit jokes for this section. I will only include ones that make me laugh though, so make them good.
I'll pay 1,000 gps for every joke used.
Q: Why do penguins walk softly?
A: Because they can't walk hardly.
My favourite for this month is:
A mathematician a logician and a statistician were travelling from London to Glasgow on a train. As they crossed the Scottish border they saw a cow standing parallel to the tracks.
The statistician said, "Ah, I see Scottish cows are brown."
The logician said, "Oh no, you make an assumption. We can only say that at least one Scottish cow is brown."
The mathematician said, "You are both wrong. We can only say that at least one Scottish cow is brown - on one side." 
Joke Counting Contest Winner
The winner of last month's joke count contest was doglady , who correctly counted 4, not including the non-e joke. Her name was drawn at random from the hundreds of correct answers. Congratulations 1,000 Gps are on their way to you.
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Here's two items on a similar theme:
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A story with strong characterisation and hilarious wild-life:
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Here's a link for the blog of a very funny man, in more ways than one  .
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This photograph made me laugh:
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Here's one for all of you youngsters, and us oldies with good memories  :
  Merry Christmas Everyone.
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Have an opinion on what you've read here today? Then send the Editor feedback! Find an item that you think would be perfect for showcasing here? Submit it for consideration in the newsletter!
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Nada wrote:
"Mavis,
Sorry I just now got around to opening my comedy newsletter! Congratulations on becoming an editor for it, I could not think of another person I would want doing it. I eagerly await the next one.
Will get right to reading those you have suggested, thanks"
JonBBell wrote:
"Mavis,
This has been a hoot. Thank you for the opportunity. I feel compelled to copy you on one response to "Golfetery." I know that you will appreciate the humor. Here it is:
In your review for "Golfetery" you said:
pretty good. this was a joke right? your not actually thinking on combining a golf course and a cemetrey together, are you? lol. that's how real this joke sounds. it actually sounds like you're considering doing just that.
keep on writing!
In response to your review, JonBBell sends:
You know, I am dead serious about this. Combining cemeteries and golf courses makes so much sense. Einstein discovered that energy and mass are one in the same. So are cemeteries and golf courses. That's my contribution to society."
I love it when comedy is so close to good sense - MM
magdalena_b wrote:
"Hahahaha! Two parrots are sitting on a perch and one says to the other, "Can you smell fish?" Love it! I love jokes and humour that make you think.
I don't mind the occasional silly or obvious joke, but I find it sad that so many stories, television programs etc, think they have to slap you in the face with a joke to make sure you get it. It's kind of insulting that they think their readers/viewers are so stupid. I show my respect for their judgement by switching off." - Yeah but there has to be something for the people who aren't as clever as us to laugh at. - MM
Beyond the Cloud9  wrote:
"I still haven't gotten the parrot joke. How long does it usually take? Actually, I didn't get the non-e one either. Um, could someone help me out here? Don't worry - I'm notorious for having to have stuff explained to me. Impressive first newsletter! Keep up the good work!"
Well, the parrots were sitting on a perch, which is a type of fish isn't it? The non-e joke was all about getting the wrong idea from a message on a funeral sash, which must have got caught there - somehow  . Now don't you go getting worried about it. I think it's lovely being honest, and I'm sure it took me ages to get it too. Not that I'm being patronising or anything . - MM
jdlbrooke wrote:
"Well, in regards to the two parrots, It is patiently obvious that they were both perching on a perch!" -
Yes, but we have to patient sometimes, don't we Brooke ? - MM
schipperke wrote:
"Great newsletter Mavis. I think another topic could be the nature of English humor vs American or Japanese humor?"
Are you trying to tell me something Schip?  I remember a great little story told to me by a friend who lived in Japan for a while. The Japanese, understandably, get a bit confused about Western traditions. My friend said that, at this time of year, it was not unusual to see window displays of Santa crucified on a cross . I think that is hilarious, on so many levels.
If anyone has anything to say about the nature of different nations' humour please send me your comment. - MM
Meggi101 wrote:
"I heard this one on the radio and it took me a while to get it.
There is a grasshoper that talks, and he decides to get a drink. So he goes into a bar, and says to the bartender,"Give me a pint". well of course the bartender was surprised, so he says,"Wow you can talk? Hey, did you know we have a drink named after you?"
The grasshopper replies,"Really? You have a drink called Steve?" - I take it there is a brand of beer called Grasshopper in your neck of the woods. We have a similar joke about a white horse who asks for a whiskey. - MM
emmyloo wrote:
"Congratulations on your first comedy newsletter, Mavis! It was very informative. Keep up the good work  ." - Thank you - MM
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