 Comedy: June 29, 2016 Issue [#7720] |
  Comedy
This week: Signs Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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I remind myself that not everything is a sign, that some things simply are what they appear to be and should not be analyzed, deconstructed, or forced to bear the burden of metaphor, symbol, omen, or portent.
― Diane Schoemperlen
No well-bred person goes ashore on someone else's island when there's no one home. But if they put up a sign, then you do it anyway, because it's a slap in the face.
― Tove Jansson
What's that supposed to mean? A wolf's head on a stick. Big wolf barbecue tonight? Bring your own wolf?
― Eoin Colfer |
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Some weeks ago, the neighbors at the end of my (very short) cul-de-sac put a nice bureau on their lawn, along with a big sign in bright blue ink: FREE!!!
Multiple exclamation points are important in these things, as is the knowledge that, at last, the bureau is free. But the neighbors made two mistakes. Can you spot them?
Mistake #1: "Very short cul-de-sac." That means that the only people seeing this are people who *live* on the street - and I don't know why the neighbors would expose themselves to that kind of liability; I mean, what if a spider crawled in there and laid a million little spider eggs? - and also the garbage workers, mail carrier, and delivery truck drivers, none of which are likely to be allowed to haul away someone's spider-infested bureau.
Mistake #2: "Free." Some people draw up signs with absolutely no understanding of human nature. If something is free, it's worthless; if it's worthless, we don't want it, even if we're in desperate need of whatever it is, even if we have the means to cart it off. It's a psychological thing.
No, the neighbor would have been better off schlepping the thing to the corner, where slightly more traffic might pass by and see it. But more importantly, the sign should read "ONLY $20!!!"
Now, that would be a well-designed sign. It maintains the all-important triple bangs; it sets a firm price (even better would be $19.99, but that would require the neighbor to walk 250feet with a penny). It's green, not blue, so it's obviously more environmentally sound to recycle this old bureau than to buy a new one from Ikea. And the word "only" proves that yes, you're getting a massive bargain!!!
Most importantly, though, remember that at first the neighbor was perfectly willing to give the thing away for free. Sure, most people are honest, and would take the bureau and leave a nice crisp picture of Andrew Jackson (it's not Harriet Tubman yet) stapled to the grass of whoever's yard it sat in. But some people are massive douchebags; they'll see the dresser, figure the thing must be worth at least $10, and swipe it in the middle of the night, "neighborhood watch" signs notwithstanding.
You get the idea, though, right? If you think something's worthless, so will everyone else. Slap a value on it, though, and some people will want to steal it. Not many, granted, but enough so that instead of a bureau cluttering up your yard, you get no bureau cluttering up your yard. As it is, they probably gave up after a couple of weeks and gave the garbage collector $20 to haul it off to the landfill.
So. Signs are important. They let people know what your expectations are. "No parking." "No trespassing." "Parking is allowed here between 6:44 am and 9:12 am, and also between 8:32 pm and 8:33 pm, except on Tuesdays and Saturdays and the third Friday of each month except for July, September and the last three days of November. Towing enforced all other times."
But those are boring. What you need are signs that people remember, signs they'll actually pay attention to. And of course, that means humor. New York features "Don't even THINK about parking here" signs, which is really very New York if you think about it, and also appeals to visitors from New Jersey, who should go home, thanks. Rural signs abound that read "No trespassing. Survivors will be prosecuted." And of course, there's the no parking sign from a frog-themed brewery in Ohio that warns "violators will be toad."
Some signs create accidental humor situations, such as "SLOW children playing," who presumably grow up to be "SLOW highway workers."
So for your viewing pleasure, I found some links to some humorous signs, and I look forward to seeing any you might have to submit.
A sign that makes fun of signs: http://photos.ellen.warnerbros.com/gallery-images/2014/07/funny-signs_full.jpg
Movable letters are often used: https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8...
Someone thinks Trump's campaign slogan is cheesy: http://static.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/funny-signs-gas-sta...
Won't someone think of the animals? http://lh4.ggpht.com/_gKQKwLZ8XUs/TAeuKqdaYPI/AAAAAAAAC1U/a5rSG-kJj8c/s800/Funny...
Sometimes it's the juxtaposition that matters: http://www.rd.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/16-silly-signs-from-around-the-worl...
And it's important to read the fine print: http://digitalsynopsis.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/funny-creative-bar-signs-5... |
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Last time, in "Bars" , I talked about one of the great comedy settings: the bar.
Quick-Quill  : I have a Hershey's T shirt.. Chocolate and Peanut Butter walk into a bar. The rest is History....
I agree the bar is a great equalizer. Most people TALK in a bar. Most people who go their aren't there to disappear. When using a Bar in your story, its because you want something to HAPPEN. Conflict is usually the goal.
And the best kind of conflict is the classic bar fight. Well-staged, it can get a lot of laughs - in print, or on film.
lezismore-moreislez  : People who don't drink don't have a sense of humour? They don't need it, people who get drunk are great entertainment. There was a part of my life where I realised that alcohol was not doing me any favours so I had to call it quits, or at least cut down to just having the odd drink when the occasion called for it, but I certainly "did not" lose my sense of humour.
Of course, I only made that comment to elicit responses like this. We drunks are your entertainment; you teetotalers are our entertainment.
Jacqueline : Thank you for your bar jokes, they've come to be when I needed a giggle to release tension that has been building up for this past week. My favourite. Was the two people walked into a bar third duck.
From Jacqueline Tasik
So a duck waddles into a bar...
And that's it for me for June! See you next month. Until then...
LAUGH ON!!! |
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