 Comedy: March 09, 2016 Issue [#7522] |
  Comedy
This week: Refugees Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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My first 'Daily Show' piece was pretending I had this terrible immigrant journey, so I went to talk to an immigration lawyer who would help out people, and I ran into him in Penn Station about three months after I'd gotten the green card. I said, 'I got my green card yesterday.' And he hugged me because he understood that level of relief.
-John Oliver
If you want to stop illegal immigration, you have to make it so that - so that the people that hire the illegal immigrants will not be in a position to hire them.
=Jesse Ventura
All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian.
-Pat Paulsen |
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Countries Prepare for Influx of Refugees
Nations all over the world are bracing for a wave of refugees from the war-torn United States. "No matter what the outcome in November," said Canadian Assistant Foreign Minister Doug McKenzie, "We fully expect half of the population of that nation to be so dissatisfied with the result that they leave, eh? And we can always use unskilled laborers in Yukon."
While neighboring Canada would be the destination of choice for many American refugees, those who aren't hockey fans may wish to consider other options. A source in the Mexican Foreign Ministry who asked to remain anonymous, when asked about his country's policy regarding disenfranchised US citizens, laughed in this reporter's face.
Other countries, however, say they will welcome Americans with open arms. Russian Assistant Foreign Minister Ivan Ivanov waved his tumbler of vodka in an expansive gesture as he said, "Former citizens of the United States are welcome in Russia. We have freedom here. Come to warm, sunny Russia. Visit beautiful beaches. Perhaps ride on rocket into space? You cannot do that in America." Ivanov chuckled humorlessly. "At least, not anymore." However, opposition leader Boris Trumpov said, "Nyet. Stay out. Russia is for Russians. We will close border crossing at Big Diomede Island. What? No border crossing at Big Diomede island? Well, then, we will create border crossing and then close it."
Sources in England, after first offering to resume rulership over their former colonies and a nice cup of tea, indicated that while London is fairly crowded already, American refugees would be welcome in Yorkshire, provided they learn to speak the language and learn the fine art of sheep shearing. But other sources indicated that they weren't accepting residency visas at this time, citing the risk of an increase in gun violence from zero to something other than zero.
Roughly 150 million Americans are prepared to exit the country, according to contacts at the State Department who spoke on the condition of anonymity. "But we're not sure which 150 million will be leaving," one commented. "So really, all of us are preparing to leave, though only half of us will need to."
Former US enemy Japan noted that there might be housing available at two of its recently rebuilt cities, but "They would have to learn Japanese," sources in that country confirmed. "And we do not mean the simplified version that we teach children and the Chinese. Also, we highly recommend bringing lead-lined clothing." When pressed on the reasons why, the sources smiled politely and said, "We will take your question under advisement and we will be in touch."
Failed Canadian businessman Don "Trumper" MacDonald, however, warned against attempting any mass exodus to Canada. "We will build a wall along the border," he asserted, referring to the longest international border on the planet at 5,525 miles or, in Canadian, 8900 kilometres. "Yes, through the Great Lakes as well." When asked how he expected the country to pay for it, he said, "It's simple, eh? We'll get the Americans to pay for it. It will be cheap, anyway; we can use my immigrant laborers." |
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Last time, in "Just Another Day" , I ranted (again) about a certain mid-February holiday.
mel  : Why not make a app of writing.com? It would nice to have in my phone.
You kids these days and your newfangled gadgets. Why, back in MY day, we accessed writing.com on a LAPTOP, and we LIKED it. (Seriously, though, try posting your suggestion at "Suggestion Box" )
Mummsy  : Baby animals . . .  The tadpoles were cute. The maggots not so much. I don't know what the hell the third one was, but I stopped clicking the links after that. 
Aww, then you missed the polar bear cubs.
Kanish ~ we got this! : To me, it is the expectations people have from their partners on this specific days is what eats me. I can bear the Red, though. We all have our pain-points 
Yes, we'd all be happier if our expectations were low.
Well, that's it for me for March. See you next month - until then,
LAUGH ON!
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