 Comedy: February 24, 2016 Issue [#7491] |
  Comedy
This week: Groundhog, SuperBowl & Other Oddities Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥmas  
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Hello there folks. Here we are floating through February at lightning speed, although we do have that extra day tagged onto the month to slow us down a bit. Let me tell you, I love leap years, it gives one extra day before another birthday, thus slowing down the aging process. I wish we had leap year, every year. |
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February Teaser:
In January, we were treated to a line-up of five planets, that would last about a month. Here it is February, and the only planet I really want a glimpse of, is Mercury. ( Where, oh where, is Mercury?) I’ve searched night, and near dawn to find this tiny planet, but as much as I want to believe I spotted it at the wee hours, I really can’t be certain. Thus, I am left feeling a little cheated out of it. However, since I did take a good look at anything that shone in the pre-dawn sky, I am pretty certain that I really did see Mercury, I just can’t prove it.
As February rolled in, we found out that Punxsutawney Phill did not see his shadow. Are you already feeling that warmth of an early spring? And, does it really matter if he sees his shadow or not, since whatever happens, the first day of spring is still seven weeks away from the start of February. Yet, since it’s a leap year, wouldn’t that actually add an extra day to the arrival of spring, thus leading the frigidly cold Northerners into a false sense of “springness”?
Super Bowl Surprises:
I may have mentioned this in a previous newsletter, but it bears another go-around in this case. Each Super Bowl Sunday, WL, I and some friends as well as acquaintances in the community, gather together to watch the big game. It is filled with food and beverage, delights. I have become the “main cook” for these events, making hot wings, baby-back ribs and corned beef, while others bring salads, chips and other side-dishes and paper-goods to share.
I know, a great many Americans go all-out for this special game, and we are no different, except we have at our clubhouse, the cursed “death seat.” Nope, not kidding, it has been the one spot that we in the know, refuse to sit. Two previous years in a row, the person who sat themselves down in that particular seat, passed-away. It didn’t happen at the game, but within the weeks following it hit them.
I guess if you saw the film, “The Ring,” you understand the curse, the phone call, and the warning that you only one week to live. I know, scary thought, and this is the Comedy Newsletter, so I’ll move along with this as quickly and painlessly as possible, to prevent possible trauma.
As it happened, after the second person to attend this event, that sat in that spot died, we decided to leave that space blank the following year. It worked! There were no sudden deaths, so we figured we broke the curse. We, that have experienced the bad vibes of the seat, refused to sit there on Super Bowl Sunday, but the room was filling-up a bit, and questions were being asked whether the seat was available. Now, being human, we forewarned our friends of the risk they would take if they decided to avail themselves of that very appealing place, which was in perfect alignment of the TV screen. One of our dear friends, decided to stand while eating, rather than sit in that seat, opting later to grab a metal chair from the auditorium to be able to enjoy the game without standing for hours. He stated he’d rather sit on cold metal than be dead. I couldn’t disagree with him on that keen observation. A couple hours passed, when I finally stood up and told Guy, he could have my seat, because I did not fear the reaper chair. I would take that spot so this older gentleman could have my “safe” spot. As I started toward the seat, another friend jumped to his feet and yelled across the room, “Please, stop her! Throw yourself in front of her if you must, as I’ll never make it across the room in time to prevent this. Do what you must to keep her from sitting in that seat. Sacrifice yourself for the good of us all. If she sits in that seat and dies soon after, we will all starve!”
Yes, folks, my cooking is that good, and appreciated. 
Within seconds, our dear friend and WL’s billiards’ teammate, threw himself onto the seat claiming he didn’t believe in the ridiculous curse, anyway.
We saw this friend during the days following the game. He started to complain about feeling a little off. I looked at his face and noticed some redness and a blister appearing near his eye.
“Mac, have you ever had chicken pox?”
“Yes WebWitch, I had them when I was a kid.”
“Hmmm, I see. Is that rash painful?”
“Oh, yes, I have no idea what caused it--perhaps some allergy, it itches and burns.”
“I don’t think that’s an allergy, Mac. I think you have a case of the shingles.”
“No, no it can’t be that!”
A couple days went by, and we didn’t see Mac around. Another friend came into the pool room where we were practicing and told us that Mac had shingles. He also mentioned that Mac had been the one to sit in the “death seat.”
No worries, Mac is getting better, following his recent struggle with that illness. However, he has vowed never to sit in that seat again, regardless of whether it’s Super Bowl Sunday, or not.
Hey, I figure the curse is weakening. After all, it’s gone from killing to just making one very ill.
Recap of My Progress on My New Smartphone:
I am happy to report that since my last newsletter, I have gone from being able to answer my phone from fifty percent to seventy-five, percent of the time. I know, I know, quick learn -- leaps and bounds! I'm just such a smartie, eh, folks?!!!  And if you believe this, read on ...
And a Cap-Upon, My-Recap:
Since my birthday brought in many calls from family, I had a wonderful opportunity to test out my newly-learned, phone answering skills. However, when Web-Daughter #1, called to send her felicitations to me, I attempted to answer my phone, with clear conviction that I had by then attained sufficient skill-level to do so. Well, it ended up that I was merely moments from having the local police bang-down my door to do a "safety-check" on me. It seems that in my zealous attempt to answer the phone, I managed to click on something that made the caller be placed on hold, followed by another click releasing, it and so on, several times. My poor daughter, when I heard the quivering in her voice as she called out my name, I responded, "Web-Daughter, is that you? Did I really get connected to you after all these glitches?"
"Yes, Web-Mom, it's me, a little worse for the wear, but Happy birthday!" 
She said it sounded like one of those 911 calls of a person just managing to get out a few gasps, yelps and some selected words I cannot repeat, here. She was about to report this phone activity to the police, as she believed I was in dire trouble.
You know, I really hated having to put my daughter through all that scary drama, but, what can I say? That's life when an about to be senior-witch, tries to learn how to use her very first smartphone!
A Future February, Well-aged Witch:
Speaking of birthdays, by the time this newsletter reaches your inbox, I will have managed to make it through another birthday, which was on Sunday the 21st. Thankfully, this year will be longer due to the calendar leap year factor. Of course, I don’t mind waiting an extra day next February, to reach the vine-ripened age of sixty-five.  Cheers, to another year!
It’s a wrap for this edition of the Comedy Newsletter.
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
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Gaby 
 Déjà vu! I've seen this last part somewhere on the newsfeed. Sounds like you're rather enjoying your new phone, WW. Just wait until you have to update it every so often and things change on the screen, or when the apps have to do their update and your phone doesn't have enough storage and you end up with buffering apps which can't load anymore. Ah, the joys of a smartphone. *hugs* ~ Gaby
 Please, Gaby, I'm just trying to answer my phone on a regular basis. Don't tell me about future worrisome issues.  "Buffering apps?!!!  I think I need an aspirin that's buffered.
LostGhost: Seeking & Learning 
Hey, WW. It was a very interesting newsletter. Reminded me of the phone functions I taught my mom(who's now a Facebook pro) and my pop(who only knows how to answer the calls). They also faced the similar problems (still sometimes do) and then they cut the phone and call to ask how to do certain stuff. I call at landline phone to explain which button to press when. Happy year ahead.
I feel for them, believe me! At least your dad can answer the phone with relative ease. May I ask how many months it takes to accomplish this? Just need to know when I'll be able to do the same thing. 
Whata SpoonStealer 
I did the same with my technological 'dinosaur' of a mother. Exact same thing! She'd dropped the damned thing dozens of times over the years, and I swear it was on its last clam shell legs. Got her the iPhone for her birthday. Oh, for the love of god was I so painfully sorry! At first.
It's been a year, and she uses her smartphone more than I use mine. There's no stopping her now: Facebook and all. <--- Which I, the forty something 'kid', hate.
If I can help you at all, just give me a ring lol. I used to do tech support back in the 'old days' when we all used beepers. Once you manage the touchscreen, you'll be able to maneuver your way around much better. Try using a 'stylus' as it will help you and your screen become better acquainted, while keeping your finger from inadvertently choosing every option available but the one you want  Good luck! ~Whata
Well, I hear tell that the IPhone is a little easier to navigate than the Android. My daughter was trying to help me one day and looked-up my phone while talking with me and said something like, and I gently paraphrase here. "OMG, your phone is hecka-hard to maneuver. Throw it out and get an IPhone!" My son, who gifted me the phone, is more patient in tutoring his mom. He says, "But mom, you'll have learned how to use a phone that even your smartphone daughters can't manipulate. Just imagine that! And, Mom, I will help you learn more this spring when you get back up North."
So, I'm sticking with it, Whata! Yes, I'm going to stick to it ... I'm stickin____________________________________________________________
drjim
Ah yes, dear Webbie, ah yes. It is all coming back to me, in floods of data-like transmissions! Who else but WS to bring you the latest, Spock-ian stuff that has bulletproof windows, voice recognition systems, 24-7-365 tracking devices in any kind of weather....even underwater? Does your not-so-slick smart phone have like....a periscope for watching golf tournaments down here in the Sunshine State? Would we be surprised if it did? Let us not kid ourselves here. From the "Set Dude" who brought you such classics as 'Top Gear', the Matrix Series, Hannibal Reload (there's a RELOAD?! Ha! Fooled ya! Don't worry, he hasn't called his local State Senator (yet again) seeking a court injunction to bring back his favorite Dr. Death!) - and other such delicacies for the lateral Pre-Frontal Cortex and other zany places of the mind. Eh well, we might try to "discover" a solid, new, working definition of the term "smart phone". If history bears out correctly, why, over the last two months straight, I believe you actually were heard to spout out new obscene WORDS that I had never heard before...while attempting to get the right click thangy to do-si-do with the upper right hand bar....in order to answer a tele-marketer who so desperately wanted to sell you jewelry made from rocks mined in the Brazilian jungles. Or something like that. That you didn't break that gadget into ohhhh say 3....or 4 pieces yet is remarkable, utterly remarkable. You should be so proud of that fact as well. As for your newly "discovered" language, this too could be stored for future linguistic studies...where else...on your Slick Phone! The Slick Phone will be a collector's item, set atop either your nightstand or side table alongside say your couch by the TV. All the neighbors will come in to comment on such a wonderful invention, while you stroke it back and forth and call it such dear names as "Clarice" - or something like that. Sigh. You get ALL the breaks! LMAO on that one!!! Muhwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa!!!
Not funny, dear man -- not funny at all. I think you are doing a marvelous job learning my new linguistics, as I do recall hearing you repeat back words that are on that list, to my dear Clarice, with threats and other such oddities against inanimate objects, as it were. Yet, one day, ONE DAY, you will be thankful for that neat li'l ol' smartphone. Can anyone say "googlemaps" three times fast?!!! 
LJPC - the tortoise 
Hi WW! I have the same old flip-phone style you do. I've put off getting a "smart" phone because it looks like a lot of trouble. A friend of mine got one and it took her weeks to learn to use it, and she said the battery runs down after just a day. What a pain. Good luck with yours! 
~ Laura
Thanks, Laura! I've got the whole battery-running-down-fas,t thing covered -- I got a portable battery charger for my Clarice!!!  It can charge her fully, three times before it needs charging.  It's a must for a "smartie" on the go!
Sewcrazy Again 🤗
Webwitch, this newsletter you wrote was funny and I totally agree with the phones. I feel I've been in the same place as you when it comes to new phones. I told my husband I don't even want a phone because if you really think about it, everyone I'm ever around at any given time has a phone with them! Right? So why do I need a $150. month bill for something I don't really want or need? And If I'm ever stranded due to a flat tire, run out of gas, or whatever the case, again, I can ask anyone to use their phone... Talk about being 'phoned out' ! Keep um coming!
I totally understand, SewCrazyOne! However, I've gotten so used to my old flip phone, with its ability to bluetooth-tether when I needed to get online with my laptop, during an internet outage, emergency, I just couldn't imagine being unplugged for too long. With my luck? All those people who supposedly have cell phones at their fingertips at all times, won't have them if I needed to use one in an emergency. Nope, all of them would tell me that their phones were in "the shop" for a screen replacement. I'd be outta luck! 
Thanks for your feedback, folks. We editors really appreciate it!
See you next month.
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