 Comedy: February 10, 2016 Issue [#7464] |
  Comedy
This week: Just Another Day Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name perfect for February 14th. But what about Johnny Longdong? Where does he fit?
-Jarod Kintz
If my Valentine you won't be,
I'll hang myself on your Christmas tree.
-Ernest Hemingway
On Valentine's Day, the Spirit Club plastered the school with red streamers and pink balloons and red and pink hearts. It looked like Clifford the Big Red Dog ate a flock of flamingos and then barfed his guts up.
-Carolyn Mackler |
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Sigh.
Here we are again. Another drear February in another gray winter.
I don't know what it is about the particular shade of red they use in V-Day displays, but there's something about it that makes me want to run screaming off a tall cliff. I never minded Yuletide red so much - that's a pure red, a primary red, devoid of abyssal overtones and, thus, controversy.
But Valentine's red? Even when I was partnered up, blissfully or otherwise, something about that particular shade of crimson, like the stain on the side of a wounded polar bear or the crater of a boiling volcano, thrust ants under my skin and gave them a spot of cloying, diabetic sweetness to scramble for.
I'm not ragging on love, here. Love is a great thing, even romantic love. It's second only to comedy in the hierarchy of human achievements, or perhaps a near third after comedy and beer. Beer is, in fact, the only thing I know of that's made me as happy as love, and as miserable the next morning. Comedy ushers in no such hangovers, and that's why I put it in first place.
No, my ire is reserved for that most odious of holidays, that day of forced romancing and eggshell-walking ("what if I don't give them enough chocolate? What if I give them TOO MUCH?"), the first marketing push after the Christmas retail explosion. Valentine's Day.
But I've got nothing against the poor salespeople, who are just trying to make a living. That's why I propose that, instead of making the focus of the day the saccharine expression of love, let's make it about something that no one could possibly have a problem with: Baby Animal Day.
I'll list a few reasons why Valentine's Day is a bad idea and Baby Animal Day is a good one, and illustrate each with a link to pictures of baby animals.
 Valentine's Day commemorates St. Valentine, who may or may not have been a single person, which is fine, but a whole lot of people observe the day who aren't Catholic.
Baby animals: http://tinyurl.com/jzeydtn
People who aren't in romantic relationships get shortchanged on Valentine's Day, but V-Day itself is not a good enough reason to get into a relationship.
Baby animals: http://tinyurl.com/hc29p8c
People who *are* in relationships find themselves at odds with each other, yet still feel pressure to perform on V-Day. Marriage on the rocks? Go out for a candlelit dinner anyway.
Baby animals: http://tinyurl.com/jq3qzcd
V-Day is a transparent attempt by retailers to guilt you into spending all your money before you've even paid off the credit card bills for December.
Baby animals: http://tinyurl.com/z4rph5l
Need to eat out on V-Day because you're traveling, but you're alone? Out of luck you are.
Baby animals: http://tinyurl.com/jos4hm3
Candles, romantic as they may be, have been known to start house fires.
Baby animals: http://tinyurl.com/oolxt4o
So this year, instead of pretending to be more in love than you actually are, hug a baby animal instead. The rewards are immeasurable.
And if you really *are* in love, my condolences - but you don't need a special day to prove it. |
Some decidedly not love stories.
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