 Comedy: August 12, 2015 Issue [#7146] |
  Comedy
This week: Did I Read That Right? Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥmas  
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Sometimes, humor is as close as your morning newspaper ... |
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Hello, folks! Welcome to another edition of the Comedy Newsletter.
The other night, I was watching a movie, on television. When the show ended, a black screen came up with this message: “This film has been modified as follows from its original version: it has been formatted to fit your screen, to run in the time allotted, and edited for content.”
Wait a minute. Did I just read those words? I rewind the video a little and pause on the message.
Yup, that’s what is said, all right. Once I let that sink in, I had a few questions to ask.
My first question is, how the heck do these film-making, engineers, or handlers that bring a show from the theater to your TV set, know how big your set actually is?
I mean, how can they format something to fit “my screen?” Do they have some chip installed in TV sets that measure, and then send a report on the size of the television set, back to the engineer who’s responsible for the conversion of the film, from big screen to little screen? What if I ran to another room and quickly turned on a different TV, on the same channel, would the information reach them in time to do their formatting?
And, if I’m paying for a premium channel to watch this movie, who are they to edit the content of the show? Who decides what content I should get to see? I’m an adult. I should be able to choose for myself.
Also, that whole, "time allotted" thing. What if I pause the show, so I can go grab a snack? Will they know how much time to add on the end, so I don't miss anything? Quite baffling, indeed!
After pondering that for a while, I thought about messages in general. We as consumers are hit with hundreds of messages each day, not to mention warning labels, headlines, sale signs, quotes, and that’s just scratching the surface.
So, folks, I’ve searched the Web and found some interesting, silly, senseless and odd messages out there. Let’s take a peek ...
A Couple Random Quotes I have to agree with:
“I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!” Oh, yeah! Love that team spirit, especially when I’m in Massachusetts. 
“Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.” Can’t argue with that. Often wondered the same thing.
**********
Signs, signs, everywhere a sign ...
“In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan." 
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work." 
In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed." 
**********
News Headlines: Why editing is so important.
“Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy” I have to say, that really took guts. 
“Kids Make Nutritious Snacks” Oh, No! Please, try an apple, save a child!
“Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge” I wouldn’t even know where to begin with this. A real “Die Hard,” I guess.
“Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge” I suppose Duct Tape wasn’t good enough!
“Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors” Wow, they sent the tall guns to this lawsuit!
**********
Some famous quotes:
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He has van Gogh’s ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
Got to love it, folks!
So, if you find the meat of your humor, is missing a funny bone -- check out some whacky quotes, Ads and headlines, and find your comedy zone.
Now go write something funny! Or, at least have a good laugh. 
That's all she wrote for this edition of the Comedy Newsletter.
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
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Elfin Dragon-finally published 
Note to self. Deer in swimming pool...no water in pool.  I've seen this happen before with other animals. Here in Arizona it's usually dogs, cats, coyotes, bears, mountain lions. The usual.
Coyotes, lions and bears -- OH MY! Post sign: "Arizona, it's no Kansas. Check your swimming pool!"
We also have bears, coyotes, bob cats and there was a mountain lion sighting recently, in MA. I just don't want them living in my attic.Thank you for the feedback, Elfin Dragon!
Cheri Annemos 
Love your stories WW. And, no, I don't wish to one up you on the shenanigans you get into. Later.
Thank you Cheri! I appreciate the feedback. My life is a shenanigans magnet, I guess. I wonder if there's support group for people like me? 
Mrs. Nixie Clause 
Hey, WW. Why are you, or how are you always so funny?
On a downer side note, raccoons can carry rabies, so beware! They look so cute, but not so much at night when they're hanging around the dumpster, eying you.
Thanks for featuring my story!
You're welcome Nix! Funny? Moi?!!
LJPC - the tortoise 
Hi WW! Ah, the joys of living in the sticks, where the upstairs neighbors are a family of raccoons and deer go skinny dipping in swimming pools to beat the heat. Glad I live in an apartment, though a rendition of "Coon-Bye-Yeah!" would be enjoyable! Great NL!
~ Laura
I know, right? Maybe I should consider becoming a beach bum in a nice spot, like Belize, so those raccoons can't find me again, ever! Do raccoons like the ocean? 
drjim
What an insightful, delightful newsletter WW! It is so uncanny how wildlife experts continue to be outwitted by creatures known for their ability to pick locks, open latches, push in window panes, crawl over sills, rob your house blind and ....naturally....break a very valuable memento that matters very little to them! Ha. Raccoons, if they HAD gotten into the home's interior, would have destroyed your pantry in ways that you could never DREAM. Oh yah. OH YAH. But thankfully, we know it wasn't these 4-footed geniuses who otherwise enjoy your spacious attic with aplomb, bouncing off of beams and boards and maybe, just maybe, your wunderkind kiddie stroller for good measure! What a riot. You shall see, dear WW, the battle now has been joined. They know we know that they are there. They know that we tried to capture them. What they don't know can't hurt them, yes?
Read response above ... Belize, beach, waves ... No surfing raccoons! I think that's the solution.
Via Email:
From "Comedy Newsletter (October 8, 2014)"
Lady H
Dear Web-Witch
I do realise I am replying to a newsletter you wrote many months ago - for nearly a year now I've been so busy with university work that I've let my writing.com inbox fill up with poor neglected newsletters and it is only just now that I've gotten around to reading them!
I love it when it's your turn to write the comedy newsletter, your antics always have me laughing out loud! And they're always so relatable - the reason I chose to reply to this particular one is that reading about you giving the machine 'manual shock therapy' as you so delicately put it It reminds me of a time when my family were all sitting around our very out-dated TV watching a film and the sound fizzled out into tiny squeaky voices barely audible - very used to this happening and finally having enough with the damned thing I marched over and gave it one good whack - as if by magic the sound fully restored and never blinked out again! It's the only experience I have of manual shock therapy actually working...
Your writing style is infectious please never stop writing such wonderful newsletters!
Your fan,
Holly
 Thank you so much for your feedback, Holly. I do appreciate it. I agree, sometimes these electronic monsters need a good whack to get them up an going. We need to remind them we are boss -- they are our machines. I also yell words I cannot repeat, here, at those cursed devices.
Thank you for your feedback, folks! See you next month.
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