 Comedy: May 06, 2015 Issue [#6970] |
  Comedy
This week: Health Food Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
-Kevin James
Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
-Doug Larson
You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six.
-Yogi Berra
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Every time I hear the word "organic" in connection with food, I cringe.
You see, my father had a bachelor's in chemistry. He taught me about molecules and such from a very early age. I learned the hydrocarbon alkane series before I learned how to count: methane, ethane, propane, butane, etc. So I had a very clear idea in my head what "organic" meant: Any molecule containing carbon.
So you might be able to imagine my facepalm when I found out that "organic" was being used for "food created without pesticides and herbicides and whatnot." That in itself wouldn't bother me - I'm a big boy, and I know that words can have different meanings in different contexts - except that, somehow, it also managed to become a synonym for "healthy."
And I don't think it's a good idea to confuse "organic" (a group of chemicals that include, say, gasoline) and "healthy."
Another thing that bugs me is "natural." As in "contains all-natural ingredients!" Sigh. Look. Hemlock is all-natural. Poison ivy is all-natural. Tobacco is all-natural. "But I don't want food with chemicals in it!" I hear. Well, tough - everything's got chemicals in it.
Ever been to a Subway? Yeah, I know, Subway, fast food, blah, blah, whatever. I get hungry, I sometimes go to Subway. Get over it. Used to be the local Subways had Fritos. I like Fritos. I'm probably not supposed to eat that many sodium ions, but whatever; it's not like I'm going to eat freaking kale chips instead. Anyway, they don't have Fritos anymore. I haven't asked why, but considering that they're still selling potato chips and Doritos, I figure either a) lack of interest or b) the Fritos weren't "healthy" enough for their image.
Want to have some fun? Go to the grocery store and read the ingredients on the back of a bag of Doritos. Go ahead. It won't hurt you to read them. Have fun pronouncing some of them. Meanwhile, Fritos? Corn. Corn oil. Salt.
That's all.
Fritos might as well market itself as all-natural.
But hey, just because something's unpronounceable doesn't mean it's good or bad, right?
Well, yeah. For example, I'm sure by now you've heard of the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide. . If not, I urge you to educate yourself right away. It's important.
Look, most "studies" about food are undertaken by someone with a bias. It's inevitable. Why fund something if you don't have a stake in the outcome? So corn growers might tout the dangers of wheat (which, as I've explained before, is how the whole "gluten-free" crap got started), dairy farmers might fund studies to find healthy molecules in cheese, and banana-selling corporations will find some way to discredit papayas. Too many farmers planted kale this year? Convince people it's super-good for you.
The number of times eggs have gone from angelic to demonic and back again in my lifetime is... well, incredible.
The amount of misinformation, disinformation, and outright lies out there is enough to make anyone neurotic. Is it any wonder that we have such strange and individualistic dietary requirements here in the U.S.? And meanwhile, the one technique that might actually keep us from slipping into a Malthusian catastrophe - the development of genetically modified foods for higher yields and healthier nutrition - people freak the hell out about.
I've strayed a bit. The original idea for this editorial came when reading the back of a hot sauce bottle from a "health food" store. I don't have it anymore, but the ingredients list went something like: "purified deionized distilled spring water, organic habanero peppers, organic carrots, organic mustard seed, organic sea salt-"
*record scratch*
Go ahead. Use "organic" to mean how something's produced.
But get your trendy catchwords OUT of my halide ions. |
Some food funnies for you
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Last time, in "Easter Than You" , I made Easter references.
River  : I loved the joke about Jesus and Moses.
What was the rest of the editorial, chopped liver?
Mummsy  : Wait . . . you were in NEW YORK for Passover?! *grumbles* I was right over the freaking bridge. Also, Bob and Monkey tried to find parking in NYC on Wednesday. They were defeated. And in conclusion . . . gefilte fish, not being a part of the actual service, is optional. Just sayin'. Trust me. After *mumblety mumble years* of seders, I have managed to never allow a bite to pass my lips. 
It's not like I had time to do anything but sneak out for a beer.
Quick-Quill  : I loved the joke!!! As a gentile who loves the Sader and all that it means to Christianity, I found it odd the jewish community attends EASTER Sunday service. Its predominently a Christian observance. It is about the Messiah's resurrection. Billy Crystal's monolgoue about his family always has my sides aching. My husband, kids and I love to tell stories about the funny things that have happened to our family. I find when I'm writing I want to insert some of that humor into my stories. I just read Nelson Melville's Night Fall. His character is constantly cracking jokes and one liner's. It was about the only thing in the book I liked.
To clarify, the Jewish community doesn't attend Easter service, unless they happen to be roped into it by a Christian relative as I almost was. That might have made me cross.
And that's it for me for now - see you next time, if the bacon doesn't kill me first. Until then,
LAUGH ON!!!
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