 Comedy: November 05, 2014 Issue [#6640] |
  Comedy
This week: Of Hurricanes and Holidays Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ  
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When I think about the upcoming holidays and dragging out of the closet my Martha Stewart, pre-lit Christmas tree in the very near future, I can’t help but think of family gatherings and the warmth and joy of three generations sharing one home, many years ago. Yes, folks, we are taking a trip in Web~Witch’s time machine!
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Hello folks, I am reporting from my Southern Command Center, in sunny South Florida. Of course it’s the start of the holiday season, and I’m still adjusting to Thanksgiving with air conditioning and a Christmas without snow. But I think I can handle it.
However, I digress. Let's get into that time machine ...The year was, well a long time ago; we were living in the Houston, Texas area, not far from the Johnson Space Center, and were on alert for a hurricane. It was worrisome because our home wasn’t too far from Galveston, which is on the Gulf of Mexico. "Houston, we have a problem!" 
We had constant weather warnings for about a week, about the storm’s approach and the possibility of it striking Galveston. Well, you know the story folks, where ever WW goes, trouble follows. “Alicia” hit the Gulf and rode over West Galveston, doing her damage and causing flooding near our area and all kinds of mischief. Of course we lost power and didn’t know what the heck was going on in that late hour of the evening.
My brother reached us by phone, which was miraculously still connected; but then what would you expect from the phone company, they never say die as long as there are billable minutes. He tasked me if I lived near Clear Lake. I told him it’s about five miles away. He said, well I’m watching on TV and I can see boats going down the highway over the lake. I also heard the weather report stating that two tornadoes spun from the hurricane and were tossing cars over and knocking down trees.
Okay, so now, not only do I have to worry about the hurricane and the flooding, I have to take cover from two tornadoes, there are no basements in Texas, at least the part I lived in due to the lack of elevation and the water table, stuff that I didn’t think much about at the time.
Conflicted, I’m thinking, do I open the windows so the house doesn’t explode from the tornadoes or do I keep them taped because of the hurricane? Then all types of bazaar behavior spun from that night.
My mother was staying with us at the time and started getting all panicky over the thought of tornadoes, so she grabbed her large tote bag, which was filled with her most precious possessions, much of that being her recipes, and stood in the doorway of her bedroom.
“Ma, what are you doing in the doorway? You are confusing an earthquake with a tornado. I don’t think the strong winds are discouraged one bit by that door frame.” 
The children were all huddled together near the fireplace, the thing that would probably remain standing should one or both of those events try to tear our house apart and my mother was fine in that spot also, so long as her rocking chair was placed there.
The next morning, we assessed the damage. There was a small tree which fell against the house, but didn’t damage the roof or siding. The street was flooded, the neighborhood looked like a hurricane hit it! We had no power, it was August and we were sweltering in the heat and humidity. We opened all of the doors to get some air inside the tomb-like home.
After a while, I heard the National Guard helicopter hovering over the neighborhood and went outside to get a better look. I waved, they waved back and kept moving. I don’t know what I expected them to do for us up in the air, but it felt good that they were around.
When I returned inside the house, I noticed the cuckoo clock on the wall near the door had a much larger, darker looking bird perched on top of it than it originally had the night before. I looked closer and saw it was a real bird, a starling to be exact. Surprised by my approach, the startled starling streaked across the room toward the bay window trying desperately to get outside.
The moment the bird started flying around the house, the kids ran behind closed doors, my husband at the time was in another room and my mother took the classic bird-in-house, defensive position. Following a loud “eek” she ran to the kitchen and found a large stock pot, and ran to her room with it. She grabbed her tote bag again, and put on her fast-action sneakers. Then, yes this really happened, she placed the pot over her head and -- you got it, stood in the bedroom doorway.
“Ma, what are you doing?”
“ There’s a bird flying in the house, I don’t want it to get in my hair!”
“It’s not a bat, Ma, and I’m not so sure those stories are true.”
“It doesn’t matter, birds flying indoors are bad luck!”
“Bad luck? The bird in the house is bad luck? Have you looked outside? We have no electricity, a tree on our house, creeping flood waters, and you think a bird getting inside the house is bad luck?”
Well, for the sanity of my entire family who were now all huddled next to my mother, except my husband who was behind door number three, I became the official bird catcher that day. I grabbed a bath towel and approached the frightened flying, fickled finger of fate with feathers, from the strategic position it stood on the seat of the bay window, and threw it over him where he was then apprehended, still shocked and awed, but removed safely to the outdoors.
So folks, as the holidays approach and extended family gathers, be prepared. It may not be the season for a hurricane, but if you’ve got my luck, expect a sudden blizzard. Be afraid; be very afraid! 
Have a happy and joyous Thanksgiving, blizzard or not!
That’s all she wrote for this edition of the Comedy Newsletter.
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
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billwilcox
WebissWitchis,
Ah, the electronic age, which comes right after the industrial debacle. It's amusing to watch people walking or driving around with their heads hanging down, chin in chest, looking at their cell phones. What was once a convenience, has turned into a necessity. It's amusing, really. So amusing....
Tell me about it, Bill. I've got things all put together, finally! Well with only a few casualties of electronics.
Quick-Quill 
WW we are in the same boat. My borrowed laptop died. I knew it needed to be on the charger but I was writing feverishly and suddenly BLACK screen. I popped it on the charger and left. Now when I turn it on I get the logo and then a black screen. I've been told to take out the battery and put it back in. I'll let you know how that works. I got an email from my editor that her computer cpu died and I have to wait for new edits. I did get the new cover and I'm ecstatic. It's amazing. I wish you good luck on getting your computer up and running. Who would have thought we would be so dependent on a box.
Computers -- they are a curse and a blessing. When all goes right we are content. When they start falling apart on us, out comes those words that can't be mentioned here, at a profoundly rapid rate and in a pitch of voice only heard on the Exorcist!
An apple a day.... 
This is one of those comedy newsletters where I laugh out the side of my mouth. Yes, been there, done that, but nowhere near as humorously as you have done! Great story. I needed that  .
I say get even with those failed wireless routers -- have some fun. It relieves pressure to watch one of those things with antennas flying through the backyard and crashing unceremoniously! I guess I haven't gotten over it. I still get a kick out of thinking about it!
drjim
Well sheesh, Webbie, I'll be durn!! Not only did you get your MLB slider right back in proper delivery stance (can't wait 'til I see you do this in billiards in a few days!!), but for the grace of God, how can it be possible that I was not mentioned this time as a partner in grime what with all the chords involved here?! (NO! Weblock, NOOO NOOOO! NOT THAT ONE....YESSS....THIS ONE!!! Give that a YANK and...NO! TOO HARD!!! HERE, let me se - OH THAT IS PERFECT, WEBLOCK!! Okay, now...let us try this once more.....OHHH DAMN IT!!! (slams foot on floor for emphasis) - LETS TRY giving this the 'ol heave HO outside, cords and all!!" You disappear, looking strangely as if a marvelous apparition must have visited you outside... wait...WAIT! Was it Our Lady Of Perpetual Litigation?? Yes, see? They DO show up right about the time something REEEAAAAALLLY sneaky was about to happen, but since I know the Kiddie Pool is like 11 years old and the ol Above Ground Jurassic Park Pool was imploded before a tsunami might strike the home from a short distance away. One develops a sharp eye for all the crummy things, but when you REAPPEARED, you brought your poor, poor baby back, and mahvelous, mahvelous, and will be this totally forgotten saga in many peoples' memory banks about you actually bringing your computer back to Life once more! Its ALIVE! Its ALIVE!! Despite all the naysayers otherwise, boy did that ever reveal to us all what a solid, working computer can do for us! Nothing like learning where ALL THOSE WIRES GO......WebWitch.... nothing like knowing where all those wires go..... LMAO!!
I think you've said it all, Doc! 
BIG BAD WOLF Feeling Thankful 
It could be worse - at least aliens didn't abscond with it.
At least that would have been amusing! 
Submitted Item:
"StarCraft Scene Spoof"
Thank you for your feedback, folks. We editors really appreciate it!
See you next month ,
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