 Comedy: May 07, 2014 Issue [#6303] |
  Comedy
This week: Ah, Spring Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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All of a sudden I discovered that I'm allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it.
-Larry David
Unfortunately, I'm allergic to all animals and even some people.
-Wentworth Miller
I think we're getting to the point where everyone's getting fat and everyone's getting allergic, or claims to be allergic to something and people can't walk from their front door to their car without a bottle of water in their hand because they have to hydrate every three and half steps.
-Adam Carolla |
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One of the first things they tell you in Comedy 101 at Haha University is that to get a laugh, you have to relate to your audience.
Well, this one's going to play to a niche audience, at best...
It's spring. And in spring, the leaves and flowers start coming out. And as soon as that happens, everyone around me complains about allergies.
And it's all I can do to not look smug.
See, I don't have allergies. Not a single one. Colds? Sure. Flu? Almost every year. Heart attacks? Yep. But I'm not allergic to ragweed, hay, flowers, trees, pollen, bees, peanuts, cosmetics, medicines, cats, gluten, or any of the other things that people keep kvetching about.
Yeah, I know. Go ahead. Hate me. Comedy 201: If you can't get the audience to relate to you, get 'em to unite in hatred of you. It worked for Andrew Dice Clay.
So a typical conversation with one of my friends goes something like this:
Her: "I love spring, but my allergy medication makes me too tired to enjoy it."
Me: *Looks smug and rolls a pollen joint*
It's fun at restaurants, too:
Friend 1: "I'll have the Thai double peanut special, but hold the peanuts - I'm allergic."
Friend 2: "Lemme get the hangar steak, but no fries on the side. Allergic to potatoes."
Friend 3: "I'd like the hamburger, but with no tomato, I have this terrible allergy to tomato."
Me: "Yeah, gimme the bacon double cheeseburger with extra tomato, a side of fries, and sprinkle some peanuts over the top, please."
Actually, I made all that up because I don't have 3 friends, because they can't take me anywhere. On the other hand, I think I'm beginning to understand why I had a heart attack.
Hospitals hate me, too. But it's easy for me, because when you get admitted to the ER, in an effort to not screw up and amputate the wrong leg, give you the wrong baby, or do brain surgery on your lungs, they ask you - repeatedly - if you're allergic to any medications. I always say "Nope," with a smug look poking through the pain. First the admitting nurse asks. Then the orderlies ask. Then the technicians ask. Then the nurse practitioner asks. Then the first doctor asks. Then the next doctor asks. Then the residents ask. As they wheel you down the hall, the janitor asks. I must have been asked if I'm allergic to any medications fifty-six times in the first five minutes of my last ER visit.
And I couldn't help but wonder what would happen if, like normal people, I had a long list of allergens to contend with, and have to remember them and recite them fifty-six times to everyone who asks.
I suppose they wondered why I was smiling when I clearly was having a heart attack.
I don't know what it is about me that gives me this particular superpower, but I like it. Perhaps it's because I was raised on a farm, and developed an immunity to everything by exposure to it. Maybe it's superior genes. Maybe a combination of both.
I do know that, fortunately for the rest of you, I won't be passing on the superior genes - I don't have children or plan to ever have any.
Turns out I'm allergic to babies. |
Some funnies for your spring enjoyment:
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Last time, in "Not That Serious" , I laughed about my recent heart attack.
Sum1's Home  : Robert,
We share a common thread now, besides a love of writing. Six years ago on St. Patrick's Day night, I had a heart attack. It was minor in nature, very minor, with no damage occurring to my heart that could be seen. But they did put a stent in because of a semi-clogged artery outside my heart. This occurred after I'd work in the restaurant that evening, so it was late. My pain was just a minor pain centered in my chest, didn't move, wasn't radiating, but it wouldn't go away at all, so I knew what it was. Drove myself there, and once in the ER, like you I cracked a couple of jokes. Being so late though, I slept through the whole thing! They woke me at 2am to tell me what they had done, and that the needle was still in my groin, and couldn't be removed. So I had to keep my right leg straight all night long. That was all I remember of my heart attack experience. Happened on a Tuesday night at about 11pm, I was discharged on Thursday morning. Glad to know you are okay, and living with us still! 
Jim
The best thing about having chest pains is, no matter how busy the ER is, they see you right away.
Mummsy  : Yeah . . . but if you die and stop coming to my holiday parties I will be REALLY PISSED.
Oh, I don't think you have to worry about that, provided you never invite any exorcists.
scarlett_o_h: Brilliant Newsletter. I have this sort of conversation with people regularly and they look at me as if I'm from another planet. I relate to all you say and you expressed it all fantastically well and with great humour. Sorry you experienced this and missed celebrating your birthday, but I hope you've made up for it since.
Oh, yeah. I've been through a few cases of wine and several dozen growlers of beer since.
Elle - on hiatus  : I know I'm super late replying to this but I just wanted to let you know I appreciated your quirky sense of humour on this one and agree that sometimes you have to do what you enjoy to make life worth living rather than 'being good' all the time. When I read 'Also, if I could change my lifestyle, I'd have done it years ago. I'm not stupid or ignorant; I'm stubborn and lazy. There's a difference', I laughed out loud and had to show it to my husband. Brilliant. Can I steal it? 
How about I leave it for you in my will?
And that's it for me for this month - see you in June! Until then,
LAUGH ON!!! |
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