 Comedy: March 12, 2014 Issue [#6202] |
  Comedy
This week: Save It Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
-David Letterman
I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.
-Victor Borge
For sleep, one needs endless depths of blackness to sink into; daylight is too shallow, it will not cover one.
-Anne Morrow Lindbergh |
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Okay, let's get this out of the way: It's not Daylight Savings Time. It's Daylight Saving Time. (If you're one of the people who actually read the quotes above, yes, Letterman was wrong. The horror...)
When you read this, most of us here in the One Important Country have already adjusted our clocks to "Spring Forward," which seems to be the only way people can remember which way to adjust clocks twice a year. This is a quaint ritual which is theoretically used to give us an extra hour of daylight.
What most people don't realize is that a) daylight is overrated and b) that extra hour has to come from somewhere, and it's not unicorn tears or captured starlight; it's the morning.
That's right - you've been lied to all your life. We don't actually get an extra hour. We pay for it with an hour from the absolute worst time of day.
Now, here, I could, were I so inclined, launch into a technical description of time zones and how they interact with the rise and fall of the sun at various latitudes at different times of the year. I could, but I want you to keep reading, because this is important.
The main purpose of Daylight Saving Time is to keep the population placid.
Where I live, in the middle of the East Coast of the One Important Country, the sun sets around 5 pm in the vicinity of the winter solstice. I have no idea what time the accursed daystar rises during that time, because I rarely stay up that late, but since it's the winter solstice, it's a good bet that it's around 7 or 7:30 am. That's Eastern Standard Time, of course; Daylight Saving Time isn't in effect in December.
Now, you might note that this roughly corresponds with the standard working hours established at the height of the industrial revolution, meant to keep everyone moving along like clockwork: wake up, get dressed, go to work, spend eight hours at work, go home, argue with your spouse, go to sleep, lather, rinse, repeat ad infinitum ad nauseam ad mortuum.
Which makes no sense when you think about it, because once you're at work, unless you're in the minority of professions that require venturing out into the harsh glare of the daylight, the position of the accursed daystar matters not one little bit. But what it does is give morning commuters a few brief rays of solar radiation before they scurry into their dimly lit cubicle farms. Just enough to remind them that it's daylight. Just enough to keep them from the crushing maw of despair.
But then, just as things are starting to look brighter for the morning commuters, suddenly, three short months later, Daylight Saving Time shows up and resets the morning clock.
Oh, sure, they now have an extra hour of daytime in the afternoon, an hour in which they can, perhaps, mow the lawn, or argue with the spouse outdoors instead of inside. But it's still dark in the morning.
And it's that extra hour that I keep hearing being touted as the reason to continue DST.
But then there's the confusion that happens every year when the clocks change. Of course, my computer and dumbphone both automatically switch. But not the clock on the stove, microwave, or wall. Not the one in the car and not the one on my wrist. Hell, there's one clock in my kitchen that's a pain in the tuchis to get to, so a month after DST starts I'm still looking at it and mentally adding an hour to what it says. Which is fine, until I realize that my housemate changed it a week ago and I'm actually an hour ahead of everyone else. Or behind. Whichever. So you see how it could be confusing, especially for lazy people like me.
And then there was the time I drove to Iowa. Which is not as bad as it sounds. Nice drive. And Iowa isn't nearly as boring as you think it is. But it is on Central Time, so I had to adjust the clocks going west and back again going east. Which, really, isn't so bad - I've driven all the way across the country three times, and I don't have a problem adjusting to the various time zones. The problem was that on the weekend I spent in Iowa, DST ended. So I adjusted the clock once crossing the Indiana/Illinois border, again when the clocks changed, and then a third time driving back into Indiana (which, by the way, is just as boring as you think it is).
My brain just couldn't keep up with all the time switches - I'd make a terrible TARDIS traveler - and shut down for a month.
So okay, fine, you want the extra afternoon hour of daylight in the summer. You want to make sure that Fourth of July fireworks can't go off until 10 pm because until about 9:45 there's still some lingering traces of sunlight. Okay. I don't care. So why not make DST year-round? Sure, it would put the solar orb at the meridian close to 1 pm instead of noon, but since everyone's inside at that time anyway, who cares anymore?
I'll tell you why not: because then, morning commuters in December would never see even the faintest glimmer of sunlight until they leave work that afternoon. And then they might start to realize what a raw deal they have in life, waking up before the crack of dawn, shuffling off through traffic in pitch blackness, and slaving away until 5 pm, leaving the office just in time to watch the red sun sink beneath the ice-covered trees.
And then there'd finally be a revolution.
And we can't have that. |
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Last time, in "Another V-Day Rant" , I ranted about Singles Awareness Day.
Mummsy  : Nothing funnier than a rousing case of the pukes! PS - the drought is coming along just fine, thank you very much. We did have some rain last week. 
That's great, Earthquake Girl.
Creeper Of The Realm  :  Talk about ranting! Let me wish you happy Birthday on the public page.  Valentine's day is a bit overrated, to say the least. If it's only special on one day, then it might as well not be special at all. You're still special.  As for being single, there's nothing wrong with that. Some of my best trips were when I was single. Luckily (and I don't mean to rub it in), I found someone who shares the love of travel and adventure with me so that's one compromise less in life. Hope you feel better.
Oh, just rub it in, why don't you.
THANKFUL SONALI Library Class!  : Correction. Anyone can adopt a  cat. It's the puppies  who are for two.
Being single and happy myself, I know what you mean. But don't worry, Valentine's Day is but once a year, let's give them their mush.
The only thing I'll "mush" is a freaking Husky.
Audrey  : Hi,
That was a great newsletter. Being a woman, I feel that there's nothing wrong with a man celebrating being single. Any man who can celebrate that is no loser in my book. After what I went thru today, I'm glad I read this. This made realize that being single is the coolest thing to be. To me, Valentine's Day has always been just another day on the calendar...nothing more.
Every day is just another day on the calendar. Except for Pi Day. Pi Day is important.
And that's it for me for March. Maybe I'll see you next month... until then,
LAUGH ON!!!
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