 Comedy: January 15, 2014 Issue [#6097] |
  Comedy
This week: Winter Travel Part Too Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
-Matt Groening
Now is the winter of our discontent.
-William Shakespeare
Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.
-Geraldo Rivera |
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Winter Travel
Part 2
For those of you following along, at the time of my last newsletter, in December, I was getting ready to take a seemingly ill-advised road trip across the US.
Well, somehow, fate smiled upon me and I made it across the middle of the country all the way to California without encountering serious weather.
Of course, we all know what happened next: a massive polar vortex of spinning cold air dipped down into the places where I'd just been, turning them to ice with a temperature of minus something (minus ANYTHING is just wrong). And now, I hear another one's on its way as I write this.
So, basically, this has all been one gigantic trap designed to get me to and keep me in California.
Awww.
See, while the rest of the US has been experiencing massive NOPE, I've been sitting here in the Central Valley enjoying temperatures in the 50s and 60s. (That's Fahrenheit, for you non-US readers and science geeks).
Why, yes, I *am* gloating. But hey, you can get your revenge when, over the next week or so, I attempt to drive back East.
But before I go, I thought I'd share my thoughts and things I've learned so far on this trip:
 There are dry counties in Kentucky. Dry counties are more depressing than Atlantic City, NJ, which at least sells booze.
If you stay off the interstates, you might notice that America is falling apart. Stay on the interstates. Or fly.
Springfield, Missouri has more red light revenue cameras than it has cars.
Dodge City, Kansas is a tourist trap. Get the hell out as fast as you can. Actually, that advice works for the entire state.
There is a town in southern Colorado called Alamosa. It is located at 7500 feet above sea level. There being nothing but a few wisps of frozen atmosphere between it and the vast emptiness of space, temperatures there dip down into the negative teens at night. Stay away from Alamosa if you like to be warm.
Colorado has a lot of microbreweries. All of them are too hipster for words.
Las Vegas has craft breweries that are open 24 hours a day, every day. Why do I not live there, again?
What happens in Vegas does not stay in Vegas, especially if it's a rhinovirus. I believe I gave 90% of central California a cold. So if you live in California and are coughing your lungs up? That was me. You're welcome.
As hipster as the breweries are in Colorado, they're mainstream compared to some of the ones in San Francisco. Compared to San Francisco, of course, everything's mainstream. Except maybe Portland.
See? You learn a lot more driving than you do flying. All you can learn while flying is just how much you're going to allow a stranger to grope you, and how little space you actually need.
So by the time of my next newsletter, my head will be simply bursting with new facts. Or will that be the freezing cold weather I'm going to encounter? One of those. |
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Last time, in "Winter Travel" , I started this bit about winter travel. Because we finally have a  emoticon, I'll be overusing it here.
Smiling Jack  : Robert, I don't know about the brews, but historians say there were some great eating spots in the Donner Pass.
"Donner, party of six. Er... Donner, party of five!"
Sum1's Home  : If you happen to travel across northern Illinois (in the Chicago area), stop by Palatine (a suburb in the NW part of Chicago) and try the beer at Emmett's Ale House. Excellent beer there, and the food isn't bad either. Let me know when you'll be there, and I'll join you!
Jim
I'll tell you when I'll be there: NOT in the winter. See you in the summer!
Mummsy  :  Are you bringing the kitty!?! You're not, are you?  That was just a comic insert.
I wish. Zoe's a good kitty. 
dwarf2012: Good luck with your trip and send us postcards along the way.
Consider this the postcard. I'm cheap.
A*Monaing*Faith  : *sigh* I run into this predicament every year; I'd love to drive from Ohio down to GA for the Winter Holidays but nooooo; not only is it 'too far' it's too 'dangerous' darn my relatives and their good sense *eyeroll* I took the megabus instead! 50 bucks one way no driving involved, win win win
ION: I posted your awesome quotes on FBook w/ the adage: Yes, I am up at 6am, no sleep; but I'll tell ya what I'm not doing, I'm NOT missing that snow blizzard I left back in #Ohio!!!! #lovin the #Atl #weather! #sayhello to the #70s #insomnia
[SUBMITTED ITEM: "Cadaver Dog" [13+]]
# #Hey! #You #got #hashtags #in #my #newsletter! 
And that's it for me for January! Hope everyone has a great year, now that, statistically, you've all failed at all your New Year's resolutions. Great job! Until next month,
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