 Comedy: August 28, 2013 Issue [#5854] |
  Comedy
This week: Gambling Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
-Mitch Hedberg
Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.
-Wilson Mizner
Part of it went on gambling, and part of it went on women. The rest I spent foolishly.
-George Raft |
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Gambling
Well, to twist an old saw about Wall Street: How do you make a small fortune in Las Vegas? Start with a big fortune.
One of my favorite things to do in Vegas is play blackjack. Now, for the uninitiated, blackjack works like this: You sit down at a table with up to five other people and a dealer, and you all place your bets (well, not the dealer). The dealer then deals out a few cards and takes the bets away. Then you place more bets, and the dealer takes them, too. Eventually, you have nothing left to bet with, but hey, at least you've had free drinks.
So why play? Well, for one thing, you get to meet interesting people. Just this trip, I met several English people; two from Ireland (not, thank gods, at the same time as the English); someone from Brazil; a bunch of Canadians; an Ethiopian; a few Chinese tourists; a couple from India; a Filipina dealer; some people from different obscure islands in the southern hemisphere (though not Australia), and one guy from Detroit whose accent was so thick I could barely understand him.
Also it's a ripe breeding ground for jokes. Like one exchange I participated in. This lady from Arizona wasn't clear on the strategy, but she was trying. So she asked the dealer if she should hit (get another card) or not.
The dealer said, "As Britney Spears sang it, 'Hit me baby one more time.'"
I said, "I thought that was Tina Turner."
Yes, comedy gold. As part of my comic karmic penance for trying to make a joke about domestic violence, I proceeded to lose even more quickly.
I've heard stories, though. Stories of people actually winning (at least temporarily) at blackjack. I've heard rumors about one guy at the high-stakes table over in Atlantic City, a guy who routinely laid down $500K bets, and pretty much broke even - until one day, he sat down and placed his half-million dollar bet and got dealt a pair of 8s. (Note: this story may be apocryphal. I'm too lazy to research it.)
If you have a pair of anything in blackjack, you can split them. That means you put up your original wager again and each one is then treated as a whole new hand. So this guy was looking at a couple of 8s, which is a hand you always split, because otherwise you have 16 points, which is the worst possible thing to have besides a table-mate who thinks Tina Turner's situation was joke fodder. Also, the dealer was showing a 6, which is the worst possible thing for the dealer to be showing - for the house. For the player, it's usually a good sign, because the dealer, more often than not, then goes on to exceed the 21-point limit (bust), which means the player wins, for once.
So okay, the guy has a million bucks riding on this split. And what do you know - the dealer slaps another 8 on top of each of the split 8s. (For those of you who know how to play blackjack: I know I'm telling this a bit out of order. Call it comedic license.)
Now Our Hero has two million dollars riding on four hands.
But then, magic happens. Two of the 8s gather deuces; the other two get 3s. That brings his total to 10 on two hands and 11 on the other two.
The other thing you can do in blackjack is, if you have two cards, you can double your bet, after which you get exactly one more card - no more, no less. And doubling 10s and 11s against a dealer 6 is generally considered good strategy, because you've got a good chance of a high-value hand and no chance of busting (going over 21 points) because the most you can get is a 10 out of one draw. Aaaand there go the math-phobes. See you later, math-phobes!
This guy was nothing if not a good strategist, so next thing you know, he doubles his bets and he's got four million dollars sitting, waiting for the dealer to take it away, though he's got fairly high chances of actually winning.
Now, before I go on, let me tell you what happens to me when I split 8s against a dealer 6 and then double. It never fails. Oh, it starts off fine. I'll maybe get a 2 like the guy I'm talking about, so I'll double on 10 points and get a 10, giving me 20 - a very strong hand. Or I'll pull a 5 or 6, which kind of sucks, but still, the dealer has a great chance of busting if the show card's a 6. Then the dealer flips a face card - worth 10, giving her 16. A good sign! Way better than 50% odds of the dealer pulling a bust card from the shoe, which in that case would be anything 6 or over. But for me, without fail, the next card out of the shoe is a 5. Since 6 + 10 + 5 = 21 > (whatever I have), I end up losing. Of course, I've never tried it with HALF A MILLION FREAKING DOLLARS, let alone four million. Nor will I ever.
Reportedly, this guy's dealer ended up with 16, then pulled a bust card, and dude walked away four million dollars richer. Or, after taxes: $1.98 and a complimentary cocktail.
Moral of this story (believe it or not) is: don't gamble, kids. The reason we know about this guy is because he's an outlier.
Now if you'll excuse me, the blackjack table's calling. |
Because this issue's about gambling, I thought I'd draw from the deck and pick a few at random for you:
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Last time, in "Comedy Newsletter (July 31, 2013)" , I talked about cats and dogs.
dragonwoman  : to me cats and dogs are the epitome of hilarity and thats one of the main reasons we love em.
That, and all the cleaning up poop, dealing with ruined furniture, and exorbitant vet bills. How adorable!
Marci Missing Everyone  : Overall, I'm a cat person as well, but I'm allergic. So, we have settled with a couple little dogs, who I love dearly. I've a attached a fun piece for you to read. You don't have to include it next time. I have another fun piece from my chi-doodle's perspective in my port as well. Love my doggies!!! [Submitted item: "Invalid Item" ]
Chi-doodle? How does a chihuahua and a poodle- wait, nevermind, I don't want to know. But that does remind me of the biggest missed opportunity of dog naming ever. Most people know that a labrador/poodle mix is called a labradoodle. As portmanteaus go, it's easily one of the silliest. The missed opportunity, of course, was not naming them poobradors.
Mummsy  : *Just bought an SUV* 
What, you didn't want to haul the kids around in a pickup truck?
LJPC - the tortoise : I loved your NL, Robert! It was very funny and so well-written. I'm a cat person, too. I hope Kali is catching the red dot in kitty heaven. 
~ Laura
Thanks! She was a good kitty.
A*Monaing*Faith : I can't get enough of this weeks newsletter! first one I read in it's entirety in quite some time (sssh! don't tell)
I just recently acquired my 1st kitty evar! Wasn't planning on it but she was a stray a friend found and since I was the only one without pets at the time, I volunteered to bottle feed the little squirt. Still consider myself a 'dog' person comparatively but who am I kidding, I'm just an animal person. If it's cute, cuddly, and doesn't try to maim me, we'll probably get along just fine. 
[I dedicate this post to my lil Monkey Monkae "Kae Kae" ]
Oops - secret's out!
And that's it for me for this month! If I don't gamble away my kidneys, I'll see you in September. Until then,
LAUGH ON!!! |
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