 Spiritual: April 17, 2013 Issue [#5619] |
  Spiritual
This week: You CAN Teach an Old Dog New Tricks Edited by: Shannon  
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Welcome to the Spiritual Newsletter. I am Shannon and I'm your editor this week. |
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The other day I was sitting on the couch reading a book while my 21-year-old son watched something on TV. Suddenly he jumped up, grabbed a pen and paper, and started writing something down. I soon realized he was writing down the number from the Bosley Medical Hair Restoration commercial.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"I've heard this stuff really works. I'm gonna call to see how much it is."
"Kyle, your hair looks fine. So it's receding a little. It's barely noticeable."
"Mom, do you have any idea how hard it is to get a date when you're going bald?"
"You're hardly going bald, Kyle. Besides, if a girl won't go out with you because of your hair, she's the wrong girl."
Take a look around. Everyone's trying so hard to fit in--to be accepted and liked. We're chameleons, ever-changing to acclimate to our surroundings, becoming whoever "they" want us to be. Why? Why do we betray ourselves like this? Why do we care about what a bunch of strangers think?
A while ago I read Dr. Brené Brown's The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Brown is a licensed master social worker, but what she really does is research, and more than a decade of study went into The Gifts of Imperfection. Her books are written in an easy-to-read conversational style; they're eye-opening and enlightening. She says, "What's the greater risk? Letting go of what people think or letting go of how I feel, what I believe, and who I am?"
I'm the mom who had a "serious talk" with her 24-year-old daughter for dying her hair black because her boyfriend doesn't like blondes. I'm the mom who asked, "According to whom?" when her 26-year-old, five-feet-eight-inch tall, 135-pound daughter started a juicing diet because she was "too fat". I'm the mom who said, "If a girl won't go out with you because of your hair, she's the wrong girl" to my 21-year-old son who thinks he's going bald ... but I don't practice what I preach. I'm guilty of worrying about what others might think of me when it comes to public speaking (I get physically ill), taking scuba lessons (I'd look like ten pounds of taters in a five-pound sack), singing aloud (uh ... no), how I dress (I'm too old to wear that), and whether or not (definitely NOT) I dance at celebratory events.
"When we value being cool and in control over granting ourselves the freedom to unleash the passionate, goofy, heartfelt, and soulful expressions of who we are, we betray ourselves."
~Dr. Brené Brown, Ph.D., L.M.S.W.
All my adult life I've tried to instill a sense of "I am enough" and worthiness in my children because it wasn't instilled in me. "Are you gaining weight, Shannon?" is the reception I got when I'd visit my parents after a two-year hiatus. I remember showing my mom a pencil sketch I'd drawn only to have her say, "Did you see that dragon Shane [my brother] drew? He's quite an artist." My mom was cold and distant, critical and judgmental. I grew up feeling ... inadequate, and because of that I wanted my children to know--to really believe they are perfect just the way they are, that they don't have to change for anyone or anything, but Brené says "You can't give your children what you don't have," and that hit me upside the head like a ton of TNT. I'm a hypocrite, I thought. I talk a good talk, but I don't walk a good walk. It was a bitter pill to swallow, but I swallowed it whole, nonetheless, and I started making changes.
Of course I won't be able to reverse a lifetime of cowardice and fear overnight, but I am taking baby steps. I will dance a slow dance with my husband when we attend parties (but I sit out the fast songs). I sing aloud even when there are other people within earshot, and the new outfit I ordered--the one I've wanted for a long time but thought I was too old to wear--should arrive Thursday.
Being true to myself and who I am is a conscious decision I'll have to make every day for the rest of my life, but from now on I choose to not get caught up in the cycle of fear and inadequacy (not thin/attractive/funny/young/smart enough, etc.). I have a pretty great husband and some darn amazing kids who will be there to help me, just like I'll be there to help them.
Thank you for reading.
P.S. I also threw away the generic bottle of "hair regrowth" formula that I found hidden in my bathroom. Kyle's solution to his minimally receding hairline was to get a mohawk. 
"Trying to co-opt or win someone over is always a mistake, because it means trading in your authenticity for approval. You stop believing in your worthiness and start hustling for it."
~ Brené Brown, Ph.D., L.M.S.W.
P.P.S. Just in case you haven't already seen it--and even if you have (I've seen it at least 10 times, and it makes me cry every time), PLEASE take a few minutes to watch Shane Koyczan's To This Day . It is a powerful message you won't soon forget. WARNING: The live version above contains one swear word, may be offensive to some viewers, and is intended for people 18+. If you are easily offended, please watch this G-Rated version. |
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The following is in response to: "Spiritual Newsletter (March 20, 2013)" :
Iva Lilly Durham  says, "I enjoyed this letter so much. It took years before I could really listen to others because I was so needy myself. It is difficult to listen to others if you are being abused yourself, but it is worth the effort to learn to do so. :)" Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. 
Lunarmirror  says, "Very thoughtful newsletter. I don't think that the 17 year old boy is that upset because it might be that he does not like her the same way. However, this newsletter has a theme present also in the movie Fight Club where people wait for their turn to speak instead of trying to listen to others." Maybe not. It's been a while since I watched Fight Club. I just remember liking it and thinking it was really weird at the same time. Thank you for reading!
xiomara says, "i really liked this. it meant a lot to me because I know someone who doesn't listen and they just feel as if as soon as someone starts to talk they need to defend themselves. im not excusing myself from this though. I do it too." I do it too. We all do. I just hope being aware of the fact that I do it will help me not do it. LOL Thank you for reading and responding! 
A*Monaing*Faith  says, "Thanks so much for including my story in your newsletter!" You are most welcome! It was my pleasure. 
Zeke says, "I learned this lesson when I was in the business world. Attending meetings where wide differences of opinion were held taught me that listening was very valuable." So true! Thank you. 
ChrisDaltro-Chasing Moonbeams says, "Dear Shannon, thank you so very much for featuring my story "A Spirit to Be" in your amazing WDC Newsletter - Spiritual." As always, the pleasure was mine, Christina. 
Mia - craving colour says, "HI Shannon, As I read your column, I thought about reviewing. Active listening can also be a part of the review process. When we make an effort to grasp what the writer wants to convey, and reflect this in the review, it's a way of letting the writer know we are paying attention." I couldn't agree more! Excellent point. I think it all comes down to caring: do I care enough to listen to this person and really hear what he's saying? We all want to feel valued and know we're heard, especially we writers, 'cause Lord knows we got lots to say. 
supersuley007 says, "I want to know what love is you know the proper love where it is two(2) way not just (1) one as it usually is I mean why do we love or fall in love with someone we cant have?? is it because our subconscious mind is telling." Whew, what a question!  I'm no expert, and I'm certainly not qualified to describe what love is. I like Licensed Master Social Worker Dr. Brenė Brown's definition: "We cultivate love when we allow our most powerful and vulnerable selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection. Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them--we can only love others as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the witholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed, and rare." ~ from page 26 of her book The Gifts of Imperfection 
Seamus Leo says, "I once heard Buddhist lama give a discussion of Buddhist teachings on controlling silence through stillness. Holding your tongue through everything is the strongest disipline you can manage through any confronting issue. The issue is becoming still through vibration. Every external bombardment of activity projected in your general direction is to be taken like a stone parting water in the river. Just let it happen and say and do nothing. It shall disapate. Great discussion." I love that! I'm writing it down in my collection of favorite quotes as we speak. Thank you! 
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