 Comedy: January 08, 2013 Issue [#5452] |
  Comedy
This week: Resolutions Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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It is useless for the sheep to pass resolutions in favor of vegetarianism, while the wolf remains of a different opinion.
-William Ralph Inge
Resolutions are popular because everyone feels they could use a little improvement.
-Marilu Henner
Sudden resolutions, like the sudden rise of mercury in a barometer, indicate little else than the variability of the weather.
-David Hare |
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Resolutions
(revisited)
This month marks the six-year anniversary of me editing the Comedy newsletter (if you count my guest editorship in January of 2007, which why not?) In that time I've joked about stuff ranging from the weather (about the most inoffensive topic you can imagine, unless you turn it into a discussion of climate change) to heart attacks (supposedly the most unfunny things on the planet, except perhaps the FBI) to, of course, ducks.
And last year, I did a thing about New Year's resolutions. But here it is, a year later, and it's like no one listened to me. I said resolutions were horse dooky, but what happened? This year, I got barraged with the same old bits about how to make resolutions, how to keep resolutions, and the tired old jokes about people NOT keeping resolutions. (It can't be that after six years, I'm running out of material. Nah.) Even Cracked had something to say about it, albeit hilariously.
I can only surmise that in spite of New Year's resolutions being useless, everyone is addicted to the process. That is, addicted to the process of saying "I'm going to lose weight this year" and proceeding to gain it, or "Yeah, this is the year I finally quit smoking" before going out in the blowing snow to get a pack of Marlboros because like a moron you've purged the house of the demon weed, and now that it's blizzarding and there's nothing else to do except watch porn on the internet (another thing you said you'd quit), you NEED a smoke.
Just like you needed to say you wouldn't smoke, I dunno, because saying so made you feel good about yourself for five freaking minutes?
Stop it. Seriously, just stop.
This newsletter comes out on January 9. If you're reading it then, ask yourself: How many of my New Year's resolutions have I actually stuck to? Be honest. The answer may surprise you. Oh, I'll grant that since it's not actually February, you might still have some you've kept, if only because you've made sure there's nothing in the house to eat except grass, and a blizzard may not be enough to keep you from your smokes, but it sure is enough to discourage a trip to McDonald's.
Or hell, I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I'm the only one who feels like once you tell me I can't do something, then by Thor's beard, that's the one thing I want to do.
I got prescribed this medicine a while back that had very few restrictions. Supposed to take it before turning in for the night, but that had some flexibility to it. The one thing I wasn't supposed to do while on this medicine was to eat grapefruit.
Now, understand this: I've never particularly liked grapefruit. Maybe a half of one in the morning, sometimes, if it were doused with enough sugar to give a horse diabetes, but grapefruit, and grapefruit juice, are, by themselves, bitter enough to make hops (the bittering agent in beer) go, "Damn! That's bitter!" Bitter enough that it makes my first wife seem pleasant. It's not as hateful to me as, say, eggplant, which I insist isn't actually a food, but grapefruit was never my first choice when someone said, "What kind of fruit do you want?" Or second. Or third. Or, really, even on the list. But if grapefruit was the only thing available, I'd eat it.
But once I started taking that medicine, guess what I craved more than anything else in the world, except maybe pizza?
That's right. Grapefruit. The forbidden fruit - literally. I'd wake up in the morning with the intense feeling of "Hey, I really want a citrus fruit that's bitter as a Johnny Cash song and bigger than an orange." It wasn't because the medicine made me crave grapefruit, though. It was my brain going, "What do you mean, you can't have something?"
And that was grapefruit. Imagine someone trying to tell me I can't have bacon. "You mean if I eat bacon I'll die? Hm. I'd better update my will."
I don't believe in self-denial, and self-denial is what New Year's resolutions are all about. You may be thinking, "but what about the positive ones, like 'exercise three days a week for an hour each day?'" No, those aren't positive, either, because there's only 24 hours in a day and if I spend an hour exercising, that's an hour I'm not playing video games. My brain translates that to "Play less video games," which leads me to sit on my ass and start up Skyrim.
So that's that. No more resolutions for me. That's my resolution, and it's one I think I can keep.
At least until next year. |
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Last time, in "Comedy Newsletter (December 11, 2012)" , I talked about the Mayan Apocalypse (which you missed).
RICH  : Hello,
Week after week, this newsletter is my no.1.
After going through all the other serious directives on 'how to', this is much better.
Not that it means much, this will also be the last series date 12.12.12. Enjoy the season, goats and all (we don't have reindeer).
Hey, we don't have reindeer either. But we have lots of rain. And deer.
Ralph  : Hiya,
You are funny, I love this. Today began
with horrible mass murder in Conn. then around
evening time I read this and I'm reminded that we
carry on. Comedy will see you through hell.
Laugh, cry, poop, pee, insult politicians
Rinse, repeat
RR
Yeah, I could come up with jokes about horrible mass murders, but people tend to get all shooty when I do.
scarlett_o_h: Great Newsletter. I'm glad I'm not the only humbugger on the site. If this is the last comedy newsletter then you did a great job.
Sadly, I don't get out of my responsibilities that easily. I get the feeling it would take more than the end of the world.
And that's it for my first newsletter of 2013. Enjoy the year and remember to always
LAUGH ON!!!
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