 Comedy: January 01, 2013 Issue [#5439] |
  Comedy
This week: "Kiss Him Goodbye" Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥmas  
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There's a list of precautions given to future surgical patients. You can't take aspirin or other anti-inflammatory drugs within ten days of the surgery and no vitamin E. You need to take vitamin C. But, the worst rule of them all is; no eating or drinking twelve hours before surgery. So, not only are you scared spitless in those final hours, you're also very hungry! |
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The morning of the surgery:
"Doctor, how much blood will we need?"
"I think a couple units will be a good amount, nurse."
"Don't worry, Web~Witch, the surgery will be over before you know it. You will be a new person. We are going to give you some medication that will place you into a twilight sleep. The Anesthesiologist is going to administer it, right now. Just stay still for one mo..."
Twilight? Did she say twilight? I am going to sleep in twilight and will awaken a new person--yes that's what I heard. Oh, no! They can't trick me. I've heard about Twilight. It's about vampires. They must be vampires who are going to drink my blood and turn me into one of them! I know every coven isn't like the Cullen clan. They're probably members of that sadistic vampire, James' clan. Is that what the new me is going to be?
Imagine, pretending to be doctors and nurses to get their victims. How clever is that? I've got to keep my wits about me and find a way to escape this table.
Here's my chance. The evil coven are huddling in the corner of the room. They're probably drawing straws over who will be the first to start sucking my blood. It's a good thing they have music piped into the operating room. Although, it seems to be on a loop. The same song playing, over and over. There were a lot of na, na, na-na's and kiss him goodbyes in the tune. Oh, no, Web-Lock! They want me to kiss him goodbye, as in I'll never see him again. I wonder what they've done with him?
With all the quiet effort I could gather, I slipped off the table and grabbed for a long, walking stick leaning against a cabinet. Looking back, I noticed they were still deep in huddle conversation and had not even noticed my moving toward the door, with the aid of that carved stick, which looked like a snake, with its serpentine body. Sure, it probably belongs to the chief sucker of the coven.
Yes! The doorknob is within my reach. I slipped out quietly and located the exit sign to my freedom!
Outside the parking lot, I found myself holding out a thumb, to catch a ride with some charitable soul.
A moment later, a long-haul truck driver pulled over for me. I hopped with the aid of the snake-like stick and boosted myself into the cab. I'm sure getting good at climbing into even higher vehicles than a U-Haul, with my bum hips. 
"Thanks for stopping for me. I'm a little foggy from medication, but, I think my name is Ilean. We've got to get out of here quickly! Could you please take me to the nearest I Hop?"
The truck driver looked at me strangely, which made my heart skip a beat because he reminded me of one of those characters in The Walking Dead! However, he wasn't walking, so I suppose he's okay.
"Hey, little lady, the name's Gonzo. I guess you're hungry, too, Miss, eh? I don't mean to get personal, but did you notice that you have a tourniquet around your thigh and a long, nasty looking cut below it?"
"You don't understand. I just escaped the hospital's surgery room. I'm lucky I still have one good leg to bounce around on.They aren't doctors, they are some kind of coven of vampires and I was about to be their next victim! However, now that you mention it, I do feel a little weak from not eating and could use a plate of pancakes right about this moment."
"Well if you don't mind me making a different suggestion for a place to eat, I think we should go to Doc's Diner. It's a trucker's favorite and they serve breakfast all day."
Doc's? Hey, I call Web-Lock "Doc," sometimes. Where is he? Is he still in the hospital waiting room thinking all's going well with me? Or, is he one of them, now? 
I finally responded to my new friend, Gonzo. "Sure, any place you think is a good eatery is fine with me." 
We pulled into this long, dark driveway to a small, trailer-type building with the words Doc's Diner flashing in red lights. I guess this driver is well known because a tall guy with a chef's hat and jacket walked toward the truck. As he got closer, he looked a little familiar. Wow! Could it be the famous Chef Ramsay?!! 
Suddenly, the chef turned his direction toward my side of the cab and opened the door saying, "Give me your hand, Web~Witch."
Web~Witch, he called me Web~Witch! That's my name, not Ilean. Where ever did I come up with a name like that?
I looked into the chef's eyes and saw it wasn't Gordon Ramsay, it was Web-Lock!  He said, "Web~Witch, tap your feet together three times and repeat after me, there's no place like home."
"There's no place like home, there's no place like home, there's n..."
"Web~Witch, the surgery is over and you are in the recovery room. All went well, I'm so proud of you!"
"It's over? I've got a new hip and I'm not a vampire?"
"Vampire?!! WW, where on earth did you come up with an idea like that? You were fine when I said goodbye and gave you a little kiss in the pre-op room. What possessed you to think you'd become a vampire?" 
"Possessed? Did you just say possessed?!! Interesting word choice, WL, very interesting indeed." 
It's a wrap for this edition of the Comedy Newsletter.
Happy New Year, folks!
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
Ta,
Web~Witch
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PuppyTales 
"I put my left hip in, they took my right hip out..." - I lol'd. Excellent newsletter and you made a great point through demonstration: An excellent place to find humor is to throw your own fears out there and cheerfully mock them.
Laughter is indeed, good medicine. Thank you for your feedback.  I'm happy you enjoyed the Newsletter.
Ralph
Hiya,
The surfing line is funny. Comedy
will see you through hell. You'll be ok,
just think positive.
RR
Oh my, I have 100 words?! Now for my
lecture on football playing with hip transplant
patients. No, not titanium, actual hip transplants provided by experts suh as myself here in my garage. Why get metal implants when you could have the hips of... Greta Garbo? That is an expensive one, perhaps you'd be more suited to the hips of,... Nami Lu the famous Holla dancer? I wish you well and comedy is risky.
Thanks, RR! I did survive the surgery, but that's another story! Yes, comedy is risky business. 
Happy Spring
It's a pleasure to read every issue of your newsletter! When I need a laugh, this is where I come. What better medicine, huh?
Thanks Janice! You're right, there's no better medicine. It's hard to be down or grumpy when you're forced to laugh out loud. And, laughter is contagious!
LJPC - the tortoise
Hi WW!
Wishing you a quick operation, an awesome new bionic hip, and fun hanging-ten on some rad big waves, dude!
Thanks for the funny NL -- as always, you made my day brighter and happier.
~ Laura
Thank you, Laura. I think that doctor was fibbing about the surfing part. I stand by the water and tell my bionic hip to catch the wave, but all it does is turn me around and run the other way! Hmmmm, wait 'til I see that doctor on my next visit. He'll probably tell me that I actually need two bionic hips to actually achieve surfing status. Ka Ching!!! $$$
Voodoo Shampoo
good luck with surgery!
Thank you, Voodoo! I'm relieved it's over! Now if my right hip would learn to play well with my left hip, maybe it can hang around a little longer.
drjim
Well well well, WW!! It looks like your new bionic hip is truly in place and just raring to go surfing! Sebastian at this time of year has some real decent 'swells', whaddaya say? Hmmn? I so marvel at your tough stuff approach to life, whether it involves your overall plan to be the next Bionic Woman (hence the reason we don't take showers together any longer - see your earlier NL about this very thing!), or simply reading that wonderful 2012 WDC Anthology. Keep writing dear WW!
Thanks, Doc! And...TMI!
Happy New Year to all of you, Folks! May this year be a brighter, more prosperous year; filled with love and joy and may your muse come alive like never before.
See you at the end of the month.
WW
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