 Comedy: December 11, 2012 Issue [#5408] |
  Comedy
This week: Apocalypse Now Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.
-Jay London
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.
-T.S. Eliot
Don't wake me for the end of the world unless it has very good special effects.
-Roger Zelazny |
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Apocalypse Now
The End is Nigh.
Unlike most of the people in the world, I've known about the impending "Mayan Apocalypse" since the early 70s. As a kid, I sat, wide-eyed, watching some TV special about the Mayan calendar, and how it's supposed to turn over on the solstice in 2012. I did some quick math, figured out how old I'd be, and sighed in gratitude. "At least I won't live that long."
Kids.
Anyway, we're all doomed. I know I've been saying that for years, but this time I mean it. Doomed. I just love the sound of that word, like the coming of Cthulhu. Ia! Ia! Doom. Doom. Doom.
More recently, I visited a Mayan calendar site in Belize. Standing stones, weird markings, giant wheel intricately carved as a calendar, the works. I couldn't translate it, of course, to verify the prediction, but it was awfully damn cool. You know, that culture didn't see time as something with a beginning or an end. To them, apparently, it was a wheel, always turning. And if a wheel has a starting and ending point, it's purely arbitrary.
Much has been made of the ancient Mayans never having figured out how to use a wheel. I say they could have - they at least had contact with other cultures who did use the wheel - but I think it was too sacred to them to use for something mundane like going to visit the grandkids.
But I digress. I don't know, but I'm betting something is going to happen on the 21st. In a very real sense, the world ends again every day, every hour, every second. Someone is going to die. Someone is going to be born. People will get drunk, because it's the solstice and it's a Friday and it's really close to Christmas.
Speaking of Christmas, I'd almost like to see the end of the world before having to suffer through another holiday traffic jam. Today I'm driving home from the mechanic and I end up in a long line of reindeer. The cars in front of me, the cars behind me, the SUV beside me, all of them have brown fuzzy antlers stuck in the windows and bright red Rudolph noses on the grill.
Stop it. Seriously. STOP.
Yep, I'll settle for the Apocalypse if it meant never having to go through that again, or to try to find a parking spot in a retail center in December, or being assaulted by sappy holiday music everywhere I go, or dealing with people who are irate, or dealing with people who clearly WANT to be irate but are trying not to for the sake of the "spirit of the season."
But the finishing touch, the thing that makes me absolutely sure that December 21st will, indeed, be the end of the freaking world, the cherry on top of our parfait of doom, the olive in the martini of despair, is this:
12/21/12 is the day Rebecca ("Friday") Black's album comes out.
Doomed. |
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Last time, in "Comedy Newsletter (November 13, 2012)" , I talked about the funny side of depression.
jkincaid  : So this is what I have to read to learn more about WRITING?
"Even the great victory of good over evil in the elections last week can fail to lift one's spirits."
Why don't you guys can the hyperbolic hard left political diatribe and keep it about writing. I don't need to be told I'm evil cause I voted the other way. Thanks.
One of the most important comedy lessons a person can learn is when someone's pulling one's leg. And that the length of a diatribe is generally longer than a rant, which is usually longer than a leg-pulling sentence. 
Mummsy  : Comedy newsletter titled Depression? Must be Waltz. *clicks message* Huh . . . whaddaya know.  I feel like I was just having this very conversation with someone less than a week ago. Minus the DEATH acronym.
PS stop spying on me. You just described my life! Minus the tv ads, of course.
At least you don't have TV ads. That's something, anyway.
A*Monaing*Faith  : Awww, I've always liked the acronym S.A.D. not sure why at the moment...or perhaps I don't feel like investigating why cuz I'm just so happy right now! Anywho....I'm a newb in case you can't tell and I'm curious if you've ever covered the topic "Laughing to keep from crying". I think it's best showcased in serious situations like in the movie Precious, lemme know what you think!
I've been writing Comedy newsletters for over five years now, and I have a terrible memory. So yeah, I've probably covered it once or twice, or one of the other fine editors did. And I'll probably cover it again in the future. And I can't remember if I saw that movie or not, but I'll make a note to look into it.
An apple a day....  : I love and need the comedy newsletter. Thanks for telling it like it is!
That's why I also edit Fantasy... switching between telling it like it is and telling it like we wish it were.
Midnight Dawn : Maybe I need to go check out more of these humorous stories. The links I checked out from your newsletter did bring a smile to my face, and during the dark winter months, I can really use the laughter. Thanks!
You know what makes me feel better when I'm down? Not comedy. Dark, depressing, terrible stories. Because then I start to realize that my life isn't so bad after all. As they said in one episode of Doctor Who, "Sad is happy for deep people."
drjim: Waltz - I waited to requisite time before I responded to this NL. Robert, I don't know what exactly to say if only that I KNOW you honestly DO try to be comic and you honestly DO pull that off and yet, for some reason, the two topics of recent note.... Depression/Growing Old kind of fell short. Its just a thought I had and I think its because those two topics are hot button issues and everyone is going to go off on a tangent, sure enough. Not my usual enjoying your written endeavors, though WW is right on when she says that YOU AND SOAPIE (think Sophie) are doing the toughest NLs off all time....comedy that is... and its extremely hard to pull this thing off month after every godforsaken month. TRUE. So, its not like I am trying to sink your battleship - not even your tugboat. Just saying those two recent NLs just fell short of the mark that I am accustomed to seeing you strike time and time again. Keep the chin up and no ooggling the young girls! (double gulp)
See? This is what happens when you get your readers used to super-mega-awesome. I've clearly set expectations too high. Anything merely mega-awesome or, gods forbid, just awesome, gets you constructive criticism. Sheesh. Teach me to be an overachiever.
And that's it for me for 2012 - and for the world! Muhuhahahahaha. I want to wish everyone a funny and happy Hanukkah, Christmas, Yule, Kwanzaa, Festivus, New Year, etc. etc. - Remember, there's no such thing as too much. Until next year, stay warm and
LAUGH ON!!!
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