 Comedy: November 27, 2012 Issue [#5384] |
  Comedy
This week: Things We Found at Mom's House Edited by: SophyBells  
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| Hi, I'm SophyBells ~ your editor for this edition of the Comedy Newsletter. Last month I shared about the scariest Halloween I ever had, when my sister and I began to sort through my mother's home of 54 years. This month I'll share some of the amusing things we found. |
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Things We Found at Mom's House
As I shared last month, my sister and I were faced with the terrifying daunting task of going through my mother's home after her death. We began on Oct. 23 and continued until Nov. 4 when I had to return home to Illinois. Halloween fell in the middle of our work - an apt holiday for the horror of our experience. Now of course that kind of job would be difficult for anyone, but it was made all the more challenging because our mother was a bit of a hoarder, to put it mildly, as was her mother - and all of their piles and boxes of crap the fruits of their hoarding were stored at Mom's house!
We found some treasures, for sure. Boxes and boxes of family history with pictures, letters, old books, and a trunk full of treasured items from our Great Uncle George, a West Point graduate who died serving his country 9 months after he graduated. His parents, and then his sister (my grandmother) saved every thing of his because he was the darling of the family, and because he died so young. Part of his trunk included two beautiful swords, one that looks like Excalibur and one that was for military dress while on horseback (he was in the cavalry). We briefly considered selling them, but quickly decided against that because we might need them to defend ourselves during the upcoming Zombie apocalypse they were more valuable as sentimental heirlooms and need to stay in the family.
But in the midst of the family treasures, history, and old report cards, we also found piles and piles of old LA Times newspapers, stacks of recipes taken from magazines, postcards from every trip we ever took, bags filled with used ribbons, a paper mache' teapot made by one of the grandkids (now broken but she couldn't bear to part with it), my grandfather's bowling trophy, a box of giant 5" floppy disks from way old computers, and a paper bag filled with paper bags. One day we were sorting through a file cabinet that had information about my parents cars, any purchase they ever made, and papers of their taxes and bank accounts going back forever. In there we found one slim file folder. What did it hold? A two-page article entitled, "How to Declutter Your Home and Life." So glad she saved that one ......... must have been in the "read someday file." We laughed until we cried. 
We joked as we went through pile after pile and box after box, one piece at a time so as not to accidentally throw away something valuable, that we might actually come upon something really valuable - my sister had a friend whose now deceased father stored cash in books, and after going through his collection they found thousands of dollars. We hoped for the same or similar reward for our hard work, but only found old bookmarks, cartoons from magazines, and a leather pouch filled with decades-old pipe tobacco. One night, tucked back deep into the furthest recesses of a bedroom closet, we found a locked metal box. When we shook it we could hear heavy metal objects moving around. Convinced we'd found bars of gold (what my mother would have been doing with a locked box full of gold was beside the point) my sister stopped everything she was doing, sat down on the floor, and started trying to break into the box.
We had previously found keys all over the house, and I asked if she'd like me to gather them all up to see if one might work. She said no that would take too long, so for the next 10 20 30 40 minutes, using only a screw driver, a hammer, and some sort of metal file thing, she worked to break the hinges off the back of the box. (We first tried to pick the lock with a paper clip, then remembered we aren't petty thieves and had no idea how to do such a thing.) I just sat in a comfy chair and watched her, drinking a glass of wine and offering helpful suggestions along the way, greatly amused and impressed by her efforts. Let's just say my sister is not the most tool-familiar person in the world, and I wondered whether she'd ever held a hammer before, quite frankly. And I was worried her latest endeavor was going to end up with a trip to the emergency room. But she also has a "never-say-die-stick-to-it-iveness" that borders on being certifiable is quite intimidating impressive.
Her efforts finally paid off when she miraculously was able break the hinges in such a way as to still be able to get the box open. Inside we found dozens of pieces of silver. Not coins, but spoons - lots and lots of spoons - and a few forks. At first we thought we'd found the family silver - but the more we unwrapped it we discovered it was not a complete set in any way, shape or form. At final count there were 33 spoons and 11 forks and a butter knife. Some matched, some not so much. It's silver so it's quite valuable, but certainly not anything resembling a set. We began to wonder if maybe Grandma was a kleptomaniac who stole pieces of silver from people's homes, one at a time?
The best part came five minutes after she opened the box. She was so proud of herself for keeping with it and getting that darn metal box open. Only now the box was ruined so we had to find something different to hold the silver. As she moved from the floor to the couch to look for a box to store the silver in, she picked up an old coin purse that was sitting nearby. She jingled it, opened it, and found several keys. I said, helpfully, "What do you want to bet one of the keys in there opens the box." She said, "No way!" as she tossed me the coin purse.
I took the box and inserted a key. And she was right. Not one of the keys in the coin purse opened the lock on the metal box. Two of them did!
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Here are some responses to my last newsletter "Comedy Newsletter (October 31, 2012)" about my scariest Halloween:
From LJPC - the tortoise
Hi Sophy! I watch one of those hoarder shows all the time! It's amazing in a frightening kind of way.  I think you and your sister need some help, like some grandkids to drag into the mess. I bet you'll find some wonderful things, though. Good luck! 
~ Laura
We decided not to involve the grandkids, as when they showed up all they did was ask "Can I have this?" "Can I have that?" No help at all! Thanks for the well wishes.
       
From readsalot
I am sure they are having a laugh. Maybe it is payback for when you didn't clean your room. You should write a story of your family history. I know if I happened across a old valuable thing then a story would surely come to my mind. (Even if it was the most scariest thing ever!!!) Well happy Halloween I hope you don't die in that mess.
Thanks, and yes, I'm sure they have had many laughs recently! We do want to write about our family history. Once we get sorted through everything and get rid of most of it, we'll take the time to go through the boxes and boxes and boxes of family history stuff - what little we've looked at already is so interesting! But if we stop to do that now, we'll never get done with the other boring parts, lol.
From goldenautumn
Thanks for the newsletter. I hope you all get through all of those boxes.
All the best,
Ann
Thanks!
From k-9cooper
I love your story. It's the same way my Mom was. My Dad is currently the same way. He drives my brother nuts. LOL.
Can't wait to read more.
K-9cooper (aka Bartley)
Hope you enjoyed this latest installment.
From dwarf2012
I can relate. My Dad has the penchant to become a hoarder if my Mom passes away and he is left to his own devices. He hoards computer equipment, books, and junk from China he buys on the internet. So far, he has filled a living room and bedroom. What can you do? Nothing, I think. Good luck with the clean up.
You can beg him to start getting rid of stuff now, for YOUR sake. Or better yet, sneak over and occasionally get rid of things you know are useless and he doesn't need. Trust me - he won't notice and you'll thank me one day!
From Ren the Klutz!
Sophy I laughed so hard (at your expense) but I am sad for your loss. I am glad you are getting something from it to smile about though.
I am just the opposite. I just sold off practically everything I own to go to Europe with my son. I threw more away than some families own. Sadly we came back sooner than expected and I'm back to establishing a household again, but luckily I'm not a hoarder.
Thanks for the Halloween laugh. Keep them coming!
Best wishes,
~Ren
Thanks so much, and on behalf of your children - THANK YOU FOR NOT BEING A HOARDER! They will be ever so grateful one day, a long way in the future.
From Sheep 
Very interesting tale, sorry about your mom and grandmom but the key to understanding family values,is to know what to keep and what not to keep and cherish it all and limit most! Great piece.
Mom was great at knowing what to keep - she made it simple and just kept everything! Now it's up to us to decide what not to keep, a very daunting but interesting task. Just wish we could quit our jobs and devote ourselves entirely to the task for the next few months. Sadly, it doesn't pay well, lol.
That's all for this month -- see you next time! And on behalf of the other regular Comedy Newsletter Editors, the King and Queen of Comedy - Waltz Invictus  and Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥmas  - remember to WRITE AND LAUGH ON! SophyBells |
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