 Comedy: January 04, 2012 Issue [#4799] |
  Comedy
This week: Granny Witchy, needs a new hip! Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥmas  
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I just found out I'm going to be a grandmother, again.  It was lovely news to receive at Christmastime and another wonderful event to look forward to in the new year. And then my mind wandered to other news I have received in the past few months ...
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Happy New Year, folks! Boy, I tell, you, as we get older, we get more in-tune with the natural progression of life. Oh, I'm not talking about fossil old, no! I mean, that point into middle age, where you begin to feel the creaks and moans of bones and crunching and pulling of a lifetime of wear and tear. It has a common, generic name, known as arthritis! And, you don't have to be elderly to get it. Remember all those sports we played as youths? Well, now, we are paying for playing!
Recently, I visited a doctor who told me that it was time for hip-replacement surgery. "Ah, hello, are you talking to me? I'm not a 70-year-old woman, here, aren't I a bit young for a hip-replacement?"
"Yes, but the point is, you are in terrible pain and the quality of life will be greatly reduced. Believe me when I tell you, you'll be begging me to do the operation."
"Oh! I didn't think about things like, life and quality. But, I certainly won't be begging you to remove a part that's been with me since birth!"
Secretly, I do resent being slowed down from doing those things I enjoy most. Golfing, comes to mind as one thing I will miss, terribly.
When I told my mother about it, she said: "WW, you really should think about getting a cane!. You'll be able to walk without falling all over yourself or Web-Lock. You know, he has back problems, he can't be expected to carry you all over the place."
"Excuse me, Web~Mom? You were how old when YOU decided that a cane could be helpful to you? You thought you could get away without one by clinging to grocery store carts. Did you really think that hanging over that cart like you were giving it CPR, made you look younger than you would look, using a cane?  And now you think that I, at a much younger age, should use a cane?" I swear, folks, my brothers, aunt and I, all tried to convince her that she needed a cane, fifteen years ago. She told us she would never use a cane because she was too young for it. 
"Actually, I think a walker would be better!"
"A walker?!!! You told me you would never get one of those!"
"Well, they hadn't come out with my, specific, handy-dandy, lightweight, easily foldable, walker. I think that's the one you should get. I mean, hip problems are terrible. In fact, I can send you the booklet with all the information on my walker. I found it in one of those catalogs I keep getting in the mail. I waited until now, because I didn't see one I liked, before. I watched out my window at all those old ladies, pushing this ugly, black steel, walker with bright tennis balls on the feet."
"Old ladies, Web~Mom? Some of them are younger than you! At least they allowed themselves freedom of movement without having to hold on to the sofa, table, stove, bureau and door, to get from one room to the next. You limited your walking by being too vain. And now, you want me to get a walker? This just ain't right!"
"Hey, you're the one who needs a new hip. My bone density tests show that my hips are strong. I've fallen a few times and haven't broken them yet. Now Anita, she's so skinny she just fell once and broke several bones."
With that expert advice, I did the only thing a Web~Witch, could do, I ran away from home. Yes, I headed South to relieve the harshness of winter and the pain resulting from it. I just couldn't imagine the next conversation with my mother. She'd probably start sending me colorful brochures on assisted living places, or even suggest I skip all the middle-men and go directly to a nursing home. 
Folks, I had spent so much time wondering how I would get through the holidays so far away from family. Now, I realize it was time well-wasted! I am in the sun; more mobile than ever. And, oh, Dr. hip-replacement, I think I'll enjoy a few more months of fun in the sun, before I consider your torment.
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
Ta,
Web~Witch
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Winnie Kay 
You always manage to create visual images for your readers, WW. Your latest newsletter presents quite a picture in my mind-a palm tree decked with Christmas-tree shaped air-fresheners and, perhaps, gold coconuts and red peppers. You and WL are sipping Pina Coladas as you listen to Jimmy Buffett's rendition of "Rockin Around the Christmas Palm.". But wait!! Where is WebMom? Did you forget her in the snow?
Visual images--for sure. But when we're talking about Web~Mon, those images can turn into nightmares! She is too feisty to want to leave her domain for even a couple months. We asked, she declined. "Too far from Market Basket, and, there are too many old people there, waiting to die!"
Lauriemariepea 
Hi, WW--
Entertaining newsletter as always. I'm a big sucker for puppy-dog eyes in a charity fund-raising letter, too; typically, they're actually puppy dog eyes (which is doubly effective!) Thanks for highlighting my goofy Christmas Eve story. 
"Twas my pleasure! Happy you enjoyed it.
Annette 
I agree that the fear to wish somebody a Merry Christmas is a silly notion. Growing up in a non-religious home, I never knew Christmas (we called it Weihnachten in my home) had anything to do with Jesus. It was a neighbor who told me when I was in third grade. I hope all people have fun celebrating whatever they like in any way they like. Just a note to Ramadan. It's a festival that has a ten month break and comes back in the eleventh month, detaching it from the Julian calendar we use. This year, Ramadan was in summer.
Why can't we pick a calendar and stick to it? I mean, all that ten-month break, stuff and Julian calender use, sounds too much like the need to do math--and WW doesn't do math. 
Thanks for your feedback, Giselle, and the cool story about your childhood celebration of Weihnachten.
billwilcox
A smashing good Holiday newsletter WW, but remember that in Florida the Christmas Trees are decorated with old bottles of Geritol.
Why, thank you, Bill. Geritol grows on trees? I'll have to get some during picking-time. I want to make sure it's really fresh!
Blink
I'm a Southern Hemispherian. We swelter through Christmas Day in 35+degreeC heat - I don't even know what that converts to in Fahrenheit. My mother is Hungarian and believes we have 'pretend' Christmas with 'pretend' snow, and 'pretend trees'. We do. Only in recent decades have we revolted against cooking Northern Hemisphere roasted everything, plum puddings and Brandy Custards inside in our overheated climates. Australians have taken a bit of everything, added it to our own unique flavours and turned Christmas luncheons into luxurious and over-indulgent Seafood Extravaganzas outside, on a Bar-be-que, complete with flies and sunscreen. Then we all pass out around the pool or at the beach and don't eat or cook anything again until New Year's Day. I think you're going to love your climate change. Christmas is Christmas no matter what the weather does. Merry 'all things to all people' to you!
I loved your sharing of Christmas in the Southern Hemisphere! How cool--I mean, how hot is that?!!! It made me hungry, too, for shrimp. I had a marvelous Christmas, swimming under the warm and beautiful blue, sun-lit sky. 
Thank you so much for your feedback. I appreciate it.
drjim
It seemed like we didn't have Autumn this year; South Carolina & Georgia - bless their hearts - gave us splashes of Fall color leftovers in many places. Virginia/North Carolina provided miles of stately pines along the highway..."Smoothest road on the planet", I thought. This time of year - ChrisKwanHannaMas - requires a solid shot of cheer otherwise. Thusly, I played the likes of B.T.O., Foreigner, Aerosmith and Led Zepp... which caught the acute attention of every State Trooper we passed along the way. We have sought decent beef restaurants and I took the reminder of telling myself that you needed "...steak steak steak..." to which you, KC-style, added 'steaking my BOOT-ay, steaking my BOOT-ay". I-95 and a country boy sure can survive! And on to Brooks 'n Dunn to reward my driving with their rendition of "Hard Workin' Man". So folks, the countdown to NukkahSwanChris is filled with solid riffs, power chords that have firmly planted our Christmas spirit and imagination to the fullest!
Imagine, 1500+ miles and we only have one power cord missing, WL!!! It certainly was a beautiful drive south. Also, with you doing the driving, I got to lay back, feet on dashboard, playing air guitar for Aerosmith, drums for Zeppelin, and even the piano solo on "Free Bird." 
Nixie🦊 
I hope you started collecting your pine fresheners. They're hot items down south. Of course, everything is hot, mostly the weather. Welcome to 80+ degree Christmas Days.
I can't complain, Nixie! I'm lovin' it. WL is teaching me how to fish. Can you picture a future Comedy Newsletter in the making? Hmmmmmm?
spidey
I personally don't understand the thought that you "can't" say Merry Christmas anymore. Have you really had dirty looks for saying it? Because I've worked in retail for the past few years and I've gotten lectured (and in some cases yelled at) for saying, "Happy Holidays." I've had people argue that I'm wrong for saying it, that it's "Merry Christmas" or nothing.
Maybe I'm just in the dark, but I've never heard of anyone getting mad at someone for saying Merry Christmas.
Happy Holidays! And Merry Christmas! And RamaHanuKwanzMasSolstice!
Actually, Spidey, I was pleasantly surprised and amazed at how different Christmas is in the South. People are happy to wish you a Merry Christmas at the check-out lane. Some retails places up North can be so PC they insist on the "Happy Holidays," greetings, only, even after you wish them a "Merry Christmas, first".
I thoroughly enjoyed the holidays of warm comfort and joy!
Thank you for your feedback, Spidey. I appreciate it.
mike238 
You do have a great heart for Christmas trees. I love Christmas trees!! The newsletter is about Christmas tress and ornaments. I love it 100%. So twice as awesome.
Thanks, Mike! It's always a pleasure hearing from you. 
LJPC - the tortoise
Hi WW!
FOUR Christmas trees in one house? I can't imagine it, but my family always dragged out the boxed fake-tree, so it's hard for me to imagine real trees to begin with.
As for being in the south, chili peppers on a palm sounds great, and I hear you can wish people in the check-out line a Merry Christmas as long as you say it this way: "Y'all have a Merry Christmas, now, ya hear?"
~ Laura
Thank you, Laura. I'll keep that in mind!
It's a great way to sign-off for this month, too!
Y'all have a Happy New Year. And don't forget to come-back, now---Ya hear?
Thank you for your feedback, folks. We editors really appreciate it!
See you next month.
WW
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