 Comedy: June 29, 2011 Issue [#4477] |
  Comedy
This week: Weddings Edited by: Robert Waltz  
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"I had thought - I had been told - that a 'funny' thing is a thing of a goodness. It isn't. Not ever is it funny to the person it happens to. Like that sheriff without his pants. The goodness is in the laughing itself. I grok it is a bravery... and a sharing... against pain and sorrow and defeat."
- Valentine Michael Smith
(Robert Heinlein,
Stranger in a Strange Land) |
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Weddings
So last week, New York's legislature made same-sex marriage legal in that state. Not to get political in a comedy newsletter, but good for them!
Because now gays and lesbians in New York will get to experience that uniquely horrifying ceremony known as a "wedding," and I believe in sharing the misery.
Now, I'm sure the female editors of this newsletter would have a different opinion about it, but as the proud owner of an XY chromosome, and as someone who spent a few years earning beer money by photographing weddings, and as someone who's been through that particular meat grinder twice, you'll have to forgive me if I'm as jaded as a Chinese changing screen.
The first thing you have to know about weddings is: It's the woman's day. The man is expected to assist in wedding preparation, but heaven help the man who actually dares to come up with an idea about the wedding. (I'm not going to make jokes here about how same-sex marriage complicates that situation; I'll leave that to your imagination.)
The second thing you have to know about weddings is: Something will go wrong. Every time. Planning a wedding is probably about as complicated as a moon landing; it requires approximately the same amount of preparation, a similar number of people, and a rocketload of money. NASA was able to shoot dudes to the moon (and wouldn't it have been cool if the astronauts had gotten married while they were there?! It would have been a lot cheaper.) The point is that NASA just barely managed to do this a few times; and every time, something went wrong. Never as spectacularly as Apollo 13, of course, but it never went precisely according to plan. Thus it is with weddings, and chances are, you're not a rocket scientist, so your own plans are going to have that much greater chance of going FUBAR.
The third thing you have to know about weddings is: When something inevitably DOES go wrong, it will be hilarious and it will most likely end up on YouTube or Failblog. Or both.
That's why people bring cameras and video recorders to weddings, you know. Same reason you watch an auto race: you're waiting for that one moment when something goes irretrievably pear-shaped.
Oh, and when something goes wrong? That's the man's fault (he needs to get used to that anyway).
Take my first wedding, for example. Two days before the wedding, my fiance got sick. Really, really, can't move a muscle, can barely breathe sick.
Turned out it was some sort of respiratory infection, and when she told him that she was getting married in two days, the doctor gave her the kind of pill you normally associate with medicating elephants and apatosaurs.
The antibiotics were supposed to knock out whatever was causing the infection, and they sort of did, as evidenced by the fact that she walked down the aisle under her own power rather than being wheeled by her father.
But pills aren't magic, and she walked down said aisle... two and a half hours late.
Which meant we had to pay the officiant, the piano player, the caterer, the musical act, the venue, etc. overtime and hazard pay.
Naturally, this was my fault for not realizing I had to arrange to wake her up earlier.
I'd like to think I've seen it all - wedding dresses that don't fit; the best man losing the ring; bridesmaids falling out of their ugly dresses (which I wouldn't mind seeing more of); the groom having mismatched shoes... but I know I haven't. Something always surprises me.
Fortunately, I have a sense of humor about it. (And hopefully the people getting hitched do, too.) So I look forward to the next wedding I'll attend - in just a couple of weeks - and I'll have my camera.
Because I have a feeling I'm going to need it. |
Some funnies about that dread occasion...
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Last time, in "Comedy Newsletter (June 1, 2011)" , I talked about exercise.
Satuawany  : Oh, dude, you had me falling out of my chair---which is a lot easier than operating any of those machines at the gym.
They're not so hard to operate. Staying ON them is another matter.
Sophurky  : You just got back from Jolly Ole England and you wrote about exercising? Does this mean the UK was not funny? I find that surprising ... 
Ooops sorry, that was rude, I should stay on point here. I agree about the gym. Ours is a 15 minute drive from home (there is a closer one but it doesn't have a pool, and swimming is my thing) so not only do we spend at least an hour (usually more) there, we have to add on the 30 minute drive time. And when I think of all the Reality TV I could be watching in that time, well, it's enough to keep me home on the couch...
The UK was awesome, but I'd done a newsletter on British Comedy just a few months before. Plus, I now have a list of British Comedy Shows I Must Watch. It's... um... research. Yeah, that's it.
Mummsy  : When I saw the title of this newsletter, I knew it had to be from you. I was not disappointed, of course. Though I would be even more not disappointed if someone videotaped you chugging along on the machines and suddenly belting out a Springsteen tune. 
Won't happen. Rules about video in the gym and all that
LJPC - the tortoise  : Hi Robert!
Do I know how far you can get on a video game in 3 hours? Yes, I do. I gave up exercising for lent--I lent someone else the track-suit and my ambition. And good riddance!
Your newsletter was a riot! For someone who doesn't understand the Brits, you sure use 'whilst' a lot. 
-- Laura
I might have to give it up for not-Lent!
scarlett_o_h: I suffered the gym routine you described for three years (in England ) and admit I do miss that feel good factor after the suffering, but nowadays I'm too old to spare all that time, so will remain a flabby and unfit pensioner for the rest of my days.
Thank you for featuring my story in your Newsletter.
I'll say this for gyms in England (judging by the only one I went to): They don't have silly rules about not making the saunas hot, probably because they don't sue everyone at the drop of a sweat.
And that's it for this month! See you in July. Until then, stay cool (or warm if you're Down Under) and
LAUGH ON! |
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