 Comedy: April 27, 2011 Issue [#4331] |
  Comedy
This week: She Sees Dead People Edited by: Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥmas  
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Folks, I recently found out on Facebook, that one of my daughters wants to go to mortuary school.  Hey, I believe this to be an honorable profession and of course, somebody's got to do it, right?
Curious as to how WW handled this? Read on... |
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Hello, folks! Welcome to another edition of the Comedy Newsletter. Well, fasten your seat belts, this is going to be an adventure in dark comedy. No offense to all of you undertakers out there. You are the epitome of grace and strength in helping people at the most difficult time of their lives, dealing with death.
Several years ago, my daughter graduated from massage therapy school. She was thrilled at the whole concept of that profession. She couldn't wait to help people. So what happened? Did she get tired of working on live people? I mean, either way she is going to work on stiff joints!
I had a conversation with her about her life choices--or should I say death choices?  She asked what I thought about having a daughter who's a mortician.
I thought about it for a moment because I really loved that show, "Six Feet Under," and then responded.
"Well, Web-Daughter, I have been mulling around in my mind some of the career choices you have reached for over the years. I was really proud of the massage therapy certificate you attained. I was thrilled at your determination in helping your ailing clients to feel better. I just have to wonder, how will you make your future clients feel better? There's a moot point if ever there was one."
She wasn't amused with my quick-witted answers, but I was on a roll! 
"I would like to sell coffins. That's profitable and I think I would be good at it."
"Not anymore. People have wised-up to that rip-off. They are buying their coffins from places like Costco. Why pay three times as much when you can get an upgraded one at much less the cost of a cheaper, overpriced coffin from the local funeral parlor?"
Folks, I did try to be a little supportive, telling her that at least it's not a "dead end" job, or is it? I'm confused about that one.  However, where there's a will, there's a way!
Another thing that bothers me; I'm going to have to rethink the words I use when she tells me she's coming out for a visit. I can no longer respond to her, "I'm dying to see you!"
"Web-Daughter,Two weeks ago you were thinking about IT training. I told you that you'd probably be bored to death! Now, you're thinking death will keep you from getting bored. I'm mortified about this!"
"Mom, is there anything more positive you can say to me about this career choice?"
"Sure, WD! Remember when you managed one of those movie rental, chain stores? You used to love certain quotes from movies and always made a game out of it with people. You would throw a quote out there and they would have to guess the movie. Now, you can actually live the movie quote, 'I see dead people!'"
"Seriously, Mom, there will always be work in this profession!"
"That's true, WD, but have you ever tried to collect money from a dead person?" 
You know something, folks, I think this would be the perfect job for my daughter. After all, one person's livelihood is another person's ...
I end this newsletter with a little mortician humor.
This widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral
and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically
said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd
brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the
mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the
lightning bolt hit him.
She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought
especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a
minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly
take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.
The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" Seeing the logic to this argument, a
very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right
back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.
After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on
the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been
able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said,
"Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room
and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch
heads!"  
That's all she wrote for this edition of the Comedy Newsletter.
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
Ta,
Web~Witch
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LJPC - the tortoise 
Hi WW!
I'm not sure which was funnier - your hilarious story about fixing the shower and sharing with us the origin of your nickname "Kryptonite Hips", or Dr.J's hysterical response to last month's vacation-golf fiasco and his Jesus/Moses/old coot joke. It doesn't matter which was funnier - they both had me rolling on the floor. Always a pleasure!
-- Laura
Yup Laura, life at our house is a barrel of laughs-- or should I say a tub-full!
Thanks for the feedback, it's always appreciated! 
drjim
It says - Don't Be Shy when writing in this little box - and I won't! Deal is, everyone knows that your left hipbone 'booted' me for a 66 yard field goal during the closing minutes of the Bathtub Bowl! Damn girl, you go! I can still hear the announcer, John Maddon-esque, saying, "It is UP...and it issssssssssssssss GOOD!" Darn straight I'm leery of taking a shower with you - at all times - and never do I take my eyes off that left hip! Now the only thing needed are chiropractic adjustments to prevent me from walking bowlegged...
Okay, Doc,TMI!!!
billwilcox
I've always found it troublesome that I pay taxes and then at the end of the year I have to pay them again. I've gotta get me one of those printing presses the government has. Need money? Just make it!
That would be a sweet deal, Bill. Dream on!
Handel Handle
Nice to know that you're all money-ed up in America, here in the UK we get 1p off petrol and everything else skyrockets! Honestly, I'm not sure who's worse; George Osborne or Alistair Darling! As soon as someone finds a party actually capable of running the country the papers must be informed immediately.
!!!
Thank you for your feedback!
Unfortunately, the break on our Federal taxes was the April Fools' joke in that Newsletter. There was no way that was going to happen. The rest of the Newsletter--true!  I am known as Kryptonite Hips in my home.
BIG BAD WOLF is Merry 
Life is full of craziness.
I have no doubt about that! Thanks for your comment and submission, below.
"Dead Rising Interview"
Comment via email:
pbindert opines:
"Delightful!"
Thanks, goodcheer! I'm happy you enjoyed it!
Thank you for your feedback, folks. We editors really appreciate it. 
See you next month!
WW
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