 Comedy: October 06, 2010 Issue [#4002] |
  Comedy
This week: Surviving Another Football Season Edited by: Sophurky  
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Q. What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A. The Chicago Bears
Hi, I'm Sophurky ~ your editor for this edition of the Comedy Newsletter. This week we'll find the comedy in American Football. |
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Surviving Another Football Season
I can't believe it's already week #4 of the American Football season. I could have sworn we just had the Super Bowl not that long ago. But evidently it's back in full swing because most of my Sunday Night TV shows are airing later than they are supposed to because the games are running over, which is wreaking havoc on my DVR scheduling! I set my DVR up last Sunday for the premier of The Amazing Race and some stupid football game went past the allotted three-hour time slot, which my DVR (and I) did not realize, so I had no idea which team got Phileminated until I watched it online Monday morning. Sophy was not happy. Sophy wants to be in charge of all the networks who air professional football so that if any game runs over it's three hour time slot (which is more than enough time for any game, frankly), said game would be preempted and fans would have to find out who won in the paper the next day (or listen on the radio), and The Amazing Race would start on time. Want to bet football games would speed up if that were to happen?
NOTE: I'm talking about football here, American football. Not soccer, which is not football, because it's, well, soccer. Just want to be clear.
And don't get me wrong -- I appreciate the efforts of the NFL to support and promote breast cancer awareness by going "PINK" this season (http://www.nfl.com/pink). Breast cancer is a serious issue which takes the lives of far too many women every year, and I'm happy to have an organization as huge as the NFL devote so much attention to it. That said, did anyone take the time to consider how PINK would look on the Bears uniform? I accidentally turned them on Sunday night and my eyes were assaulted with dark blue, orange, and HOT PINK. And it's not just the Bears -- the Bengals, Browns (yes, I know, they are brown, but they are orange too), Dolphins, Bengals, Broncos all have orange in their uniforms. Sorry, but PINK and ORANGE should NEVER been anywhere near each other, even for a good cause. So for the month of October anyway, the aforementioned teams need to drop the orange out of their uniforms.
Oh and don't get me started on the referees. I blame them for how long these games last. They are constantly throwing flags here and there, calling endless penalties and delaying the game. I'm convinced they do it just to get camera time -- watch them as they march to the center of the field, put their hands on their hips, and announce over the stadium loudspeaker what horrible infraction was committed by one of the teams. They LOVE it! Besides the fact that I can never understand what they say, they really do slow things down more than is necessary, and even their penalties have become ridiculous. Like taunting! I just found out that's a penalty. If you outrun someone and score a touchdown, you can no longer "yo' mama" anyone from the other team in the end zone. It's a 15 yard penalty if you do. Good grief. It's like they are just making up penalties now. They should let me make up a few new penalties -- they'd make about as much sense as the official ones.
Here are some actual NFL official penalties, all causing a loss of 15 yards to the offending team:
A tackler using his helmet to butt, spear, or ram an opponent -- Um, isn't that the point of the game?
Any player who uses the top of his helmet unnecessarily -- I want to know who gets to decide what is unnecessary?
A punter, placekicker, or holder who simulates being roughed by a defensive player -- Err, simulates being roughed?
Leaping -- You can't leap on the field like a ballerina? You can't leap over another player, seriously?
Leverage -- I have no clue what this means but it doesn't sound that bad to me.
Sophy's New NFL Penalties:
A player shall be kicked out of the game if his hair sticks out of his helmet and goes past the top of his jersey number -- Seriously, what is with their hair lately?!
15 yard penalty against the Patriots any time Tom Brady walks onto the field -- Sue me, I can't stand the guy.
10 yard penalty for thanking "god" for scoring or winning a previous game-- Look, God does not care about football, and would be a much happier deity if Amazing Race started on time.
5 yard penalty against the <insert current team name here> any time Bret Favre walks onto the field - Bret, I like you man, but please, retire once and for all before you break a hip!
Here's hoping we all survive another never-ending football season in America!
Sophurky |
Below you'll find some offerings from other WDC members about football:
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Have an opinion on what you've read here today? Then send the Editor feedback! Find an item that you think would be perfect for showcasing here? Submit it for consideration in the newsletter!
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Now for a few comments about my last newsletter about WDC's 10th Birthday Celebration:
From From billwilcox
It's funny how birthdays can be so...unfunny, but, hey, like you said, your newsletter was a bust. I give it one  , but your used to that, right? I see you in all the bad poetry slams. 
Oh Billy stop, you'll make my head swell with all the praise!
    
From From Jeff 
Thanks for featuring my story in this week's NL, Sophy! Great job, as always. 
Thanks, glad you enjoyed it! 
From From LJPC - the tortoise 
Hi Sophy! Who could have known that Sept 1 could be such a dud? I thought there must be more interesting things than that so I went looking. Here's a link to a list! It contains fascinating information about things that happened on Sept 1st or about the month, like did you know that September is 'California Wild Rice Month'? And Lily Tomlin was born on Sept 1st!
http://www.answers.com/topic/september-1
Have fun looking - thanks for the funny newsletter. -- Laura
Thanks so much for the link -- historically it was a bit of a dud, but that didn't keep me from finding the funny!
From BIG BAD WOLF is Howling 
Always something funny going on when I read this newsletter.
Of course, I enjoy my comedy as well.
"Take Your Son to Work"
"True Grit Scene Spoof"
"Triple Danger"
Thanks for writing in, and for sharing some of your comedy with us.
From Winchester Jones 
Great great newsletter! Very funny! 5.0 funny. And that is pretty darn funny!
Why thank you -- I begin comments with a 1.0 and end with a 5.0!
That's all for this month -- see you next time! And on behalf of the other regular Comedy Newsletter Editors, Robert Waltz  and Ẃeβ࿚ẂỉԎḈĥ  remember to WRITE AND LAUGH ON! Sophurky |
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